The Leak Factor

I watched honey run down the side of my breakfast this morning and I immediately thought of a phrase I’ve coined… “The Leak Factor.”

I guess it’s been at least 6 years now since I’ve been using it… And no I didn’t create it, an old friend did.

You see he once said, “Amanda, you have to stay aware of what’s leaking out of you and onto others. Because what’s inside of you will eventually come out. And you want that stuff to be good! You want it to lift people up, not tear them down.”

Now honestly, in the moment I was kind of irritated because I knew he was pointing at the pride, jealousy and insecurity that was “leaking” out of me onto others.

But today… Today I’m really fond of the leak factor. I almost always think of it before I open my mouth or share anything in a social media setting… Because, well, I believe there’s enough hate, brokenness, bitterness, wickedness and insecurity leaking out of people into this world.

And so… I constantly challenge myself to cultivate a heart that’s full of peace, joy and, most importantly, the love found in the heart of Father God.

And I don’t know where you are today? I don’t know what you’re leaking onto others… Hopefully it’s good… Hopefully it’s lovely… Hopefully it promotes life! However, I do challenge you to ask yourself, “What’s leaking out of me and onto others?” 🧐🌱 #cultivatelife

Why?

Sometimes I don’t understand why God cares so much… Is it that we mutually care? That I come to the table too? That it’s a 50/50 deal where we are both all hands on deck in this thing called life?

I mean, it just doesn’t make sense to me why He’s led me down this road of authenticity, security and identity. It’s like a bread-crumb trail without any real knowledge of what the destination is.

Why do you care so much God? Why are you so into me?

He’s just a very strange dude. But you know? I really do love Him so much. He is SO good, even when life is bad… Even when it’s sucked and been extremely painful to walk through… He’s been good.

And I just want people to know, if you’re willing to go all the way with Him… Then He’s willing to go all the way with you. He’s just the most incredible person I know. ♥️

God Needs An Army

My heart cries for a clear foundation of freedom and wholeness for people. My passion and purpose propel me to move forward as I follow the Holy Spirit’s lead every moment of every day. And while I might not be the best at following through with every detail, I’m learning that the follow is the way of life for us as believers.

You see the battle between good and evil is at an all time high in this world. The war over our minds and souls is being pressed like never before. And I believe it’s time for us to rise up and cut out the bullshit. We don’t have time to be lazy believers in Christ anymore. We don’t have time to be people who are poor in spirit. God needs and army that marches to the beat of one word, and that word is Jesus.

Because I believe as a society we don’t really realize what life will be like if we don’t cut out the crap and pursue Him with our whole hearts.

So please, please hear the cry of my heart and soul that is so pressed towards freedom and wholeness through Jesus Christ. He is the ONLY way to the Father and eternal life. All the other ways are a smoke and mirror show, created by the enemy of our souls. And I say this again, with every pure intention in my heart, do not be deceived… Press into the Holy Spirit… Pursue freedom and wholeness at all cost… And never stop cultivating a healthy lifestyle through the Kingdom of God.

Potential in the Good…

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“Love is not boastful”…
Love is not prideful… That’s what that means to me…
And it means it in the most obvious and clear way possible… It’s important that I learn this and learn it well right now… Because I need to clearly love without saying a word…
And for some reason that is a bit of a challenge for me… Because it takes me back to a thought of who God is to me right now… In this moment… In this chapter in my life… And I am reminded that he is simply found in the hearts of people… specifically children…
Now that doesn’t mean I don’t talk to him anymore because I do… But something hit me last night in a clear way… I actually haven’t had something hit me this clear in a while…
And it went a long with the comment I made to a 12-year-old… She was carrying on about an adult she doesn’t like… And describing her plans to foil the woman’s life because she dislikes her…
In the midst of it all… Well I stopped her and said, “Just be kind. Be kind and find the good in her. That’s your mission for the week. Everyone has good in them, so find the good in her”…
And that conversation led me to a thought… Hours later I realized… Right now… At this moment in my life… Well I find God when I see some type of goodness in people… Because it encourages me… It gives me hope… It allows me to see that there is potential there to work with… It helps me understand that not all is lost… That one day that person can become an incredibly loving, good, positive light for the world around them…
And I think in this moment it’s good that I saw that… Because I feel a little challenged… I feel very hopeful… But I feel challegened and kind of question whether or not I can do what God has asked me to do… But in the midst of it I want to follow the advice I gave the 12-year-old… Find the goodness… Find it and focus on it and allow it to lead me to the next part of my mission…
And for some reason.. Well I feel like focusing on the good in a person… Looking towards their strength… Well I feel like that’s what God is to me in a way right now… That I can find him within anyone around me if I am just willing to look hard enough…
And for now… Well for now that’s good enough…

Good Enough??

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I’m having a moment where I don’t know where to go or what to do…. ok, maybe that’s not true…. but I feel insecure…. insecure because I’m comparing myself to others…. looking at the world around me and feeling like I am doing something wrong…. like I should be doing more…

And I don’t know how to move to the next phase of my life…. I mean of course living will get me there…. but honestly…. and I can continue to jump around this topic….

But I feel so lame…. lame and insecure because I’ve never been in a relationship and I don’t know when that will ever happen for me…. I want a marriage and a family one day…. But how do I even begin to get that when I don’t know how?

I’m actually ashamed with this area of my life…. I feel like it’s my biggest disappointment and let down… I feel like I’ve let myself down and those around me… I feel like I’m incapable of doing something that’s so natural and so common to others…. I feel embarrassed and I feel like I’m constantly missing out…

I can’t ever relate to my friends she they talk about relationships… I can’t relate to the 14 year I nanny… I can’t relate to TV shows and movies about love, relationships and the rest….

This part of life has always been a closed book…. nonexistent…. and I hate when people I know make comments about me dating because I don’t like to talk about it…. It makes me feel uncomfortable and ashamed…. really, really ashamed…. like I’m a mistake…

And now I live 1,700 miles from everything I know…. All of my friends and family are so far away…. And I’ve learned that L.A. is great for living when you’re young… but I would never want to raise a family here… and I don’t think I want to be away from my family when I have a family either…

Then there’s the whole “you’ll figure it out”… just keep moving forward is what I have to tell myself, but deep down I still feel like moving forward with where I am isn’t enough… like I should be doing more… involved in something that puts me around more people than work people…. so I can meet guys and start dating… but then where do I even start?

With the death of my dad, I’ve learned and realized that my faith is way more important to me than I ever realized…. There was a time I said I wouldn’t marry anyone in the church because of religion, but now I mind myself thinking over all of that again…. I find myself realizing that I talk about what I believe more than I realized….

Plus…. it’s my foundation and my center…. almost like my heart beat…. so I find myself in this weird place… knowing what I want, but feeling like gaining it will be the most challenging thing I’ve ever encountered…

Just the thought of all of it intimidates me so much….

And if you’re wondering how I got in this situation…. well… it’s due to years of extreme insecurities about my body and myself…. it’s due to my religion, fairytale mindset and major excuses…. I’ve been babied my entire life, so a lot of people made excuses for me…. I made them for myself… I got myself into this situation… and now I have no idea how I’ll ever get out…

And the whole thing causes me to question whether or not I’m even worth being around… if a guy is even ever going to want to date me or marry me… I just feel so flawed…. so insignificant and so small….

At the end of the day… everything could be going great…. work could be better than ever… and I could have everything in the world…. but I would still feel like I was lacking in this area…. I would still feel like a mistake because I can’t do one thing that’s so normal…. so easy….

I don’t even have guy friends…. it’s always just been me… alone with my thoughts… my dreams and my goals… I’ve never truly had someone to share them with… or at least not the way I want or should….

Of course I’ve played games with the chemistry of my body… thinking if I was pretty enough…. small enough… tone enough…. that well… that would be enough… that I would finally be enough… and I’ve learned that it didn’t do anything for me…. yeah, I can get in serious shape… I can eat healthy and workout all day long, but it never gets me anywhere relationship wise…

And in the midst of trying to become physically enough, well…. I lost me… I lost who I truly am… I buried her deep down inside… and now I’m working overtime to pull her back out… to bring my compassion back to the surface…

So maybe this time… hopefully this time…. I can truly be me… healthy in every aspect of life… without having myself, the true part of my heart and the reasons people love me, buried deep within….

And maybe…. maybe one day I’ll figure it all out and be well…. good enough… good enough for me and good enough for whomever I spend the rest of my life with…. that would be so nice….