Over the years my relationship with God has changed… It’s evolved so very much…
When I was a kid… Well he was the one all the adults around me talked about… The one I’d hear it was important to have a relationship with… And my grandmother taught me so much about the Spirit of God and how he was the one I should cultivate a very personal and intimate relationship with…
As I grew up… Well God became more of something instead of a someone… I learned more and more about him through people than for myself… At school, in church, at Bible Studies… It was my responsibility to have a relationship I knew… But everyone kept telling me what theirs was like so I watched as listen… Never truly trying to cultivate a relationship with him… Because I thought I knew… I thought I had all the answers…
Then when I turned 17 I began to hear the voice of God for the first time… And I realized how prideful I was in thinking I had so many answers… That I knew the personality of God, when all I truly knew was based on other experiences….
So I started cultivating my own relationship with him… Unfortunately I will still listening to those around me too much… It was still more about what I thought I knew versus what was real…
So not until I turned 21 did I truly begin to cultivate a relationship with him… And for the next 4-5 years I would stay on this amazing journey… Learning about God in ways of never thought about him before… And he’d speak to me and tell me things in the realist way I knew…
And I enjoyed that relationship so much… I learned for myself that I strongly disliked the church for what it had taught me about God… And that I strongly disliked the school I grew up in for the same reasons… And then I found myself strongly disliking my grandmother and her ministry too…
Of course I’ve had to come full-circle with all of it… Realizing that I was gaining something of my own… Not something that was someone else’s… Not something that was borrowed and then passed out and expected to be believed by everyone… But a relationship that truly belonged to me…
And then came the time that I realized that I wanted to study Jewish teachings and learn more principles about the way God designed the earth… And those things were and still are cool and so real to me…
And as I did that my relationship with him changed even more because I grew more annoyed by what I was being told versus what I knew God was directly saying to me…
In a way I can compare my relationship with God like the one I experience at work… I feel like God’s a celebrity… He’s printed about in the tabloids and everyone thinks they know him and who he is and what he stands for and does… But those that truly know him… The ones that talk to him on a daily basis like I do with my boss… Well they know for a fact that God is who they experience on a moment by moment basis…
So now… Now I’ve come this far… And being out here in Cali… Well I’m disconnected from the religion I was raised in… Meaning… I’m alone… And nothing is really familiar… So I’ve tried to connect myself to what I knew… To jump into a church… Something familiar…
And you know what I’ve learned… Well I’ve learned that my relationship with God is changing… It’s still not what I hear the preacher preach about… And honestly I still find myself annoyed with church as a whole…
I don’t read my Bible… I haven’t read my Bible in years… I don’t find anything really intriguing and interesting… Maybe it’s because of the years it was crammed down my throat through a Christian upbringing, Christian school and the Bible college…
It’s just not for me…
But you know where I do find God?… Where I feel like our relationship is at its realist?… Where I am at my realist right now?…
It’s in my drive to work… Or my drive anywhere for that matter… Of course I can always talk to him… But my relationship with him has changed because I’ve changed… I’ve changed through what I see… And what I see on a daily basis is so spectacular… The mountains… The hills… The trees… The sunsets… The 24/7 greenery…. The colors of a flower blooming year round…
God stopped becoming what’s in a book and what other people were telling me… He stopped becoming what he told me he was and what I assumed he’d always be… He became something more when he showed me the simplicity of his creation… When he opened an opportunity for me to move to Cali and stand in awe of his creation… Well that’s when it got real…
And even more than that… It became so much more real when I got this job and became a kind of mother to three kids… Because I’ve learned so many principles from them… And I stand in awe of the way love can overpower anger, hate and jealousy in a child and home… As long as I stay patient and willing…
So too me… Right now… Within my relationship with God… Well, I thought it was real before… But as I continue to live… Well I realized it’s so much more… And it’s truly alive now… More than ever before…
Because it’s no longer him talking to me while I sit behind a computer and piece information together… It’s no longer laying in bed at night and talking to him… It’s no longer the long walks to class I used to have in college… And it’s definitely not what everyone else is saying…
Because for the first time it’s a realness through what I see… And through what I experience through helping children learn and grow… It’s so real… It’s so much God that God isn’t even mentioned within it… I just know he’s there and I thank him for it…
And if being in awe is what this relationship is right now… If it’s what’s keeping me full on a constant basis… Well then I’m ok with that… Because I honestly don’t want to read another scripture or hear another message… I’m ok with just where I am…
And the best part is… It’s mine… It’s my relationship… Based on where I am in life… Standing in awe constantly… And I’m so ok with that…
Sometimes I don’t understand why God cares so much… Is it that we mutually care? That I come to the table too? That it’s a 50/50 deal where we are both all hands on deck in this thing called life?
