Spirit · truth

Are You Empty?

Over the years I’ve talked very openly about following the Holy Spirit, and how important it is to be led by Him regardless of what I’m feeling.

Now… Truthfully, following Him is a challenge. And just when I think I’ve got the hang of it, He takes a turn down a path I never saw coming.

And well, I guess I say it’s a challenge because allowing Him to lead my life opposes my human will. You see there’s a constant battle on the inside of me, one that requires me to choose His will for my life over my own.

Before this year began I would’ve told you I was very good at following the will of God because I thought that I had completely given all I had to Him. However, I’ve learned that as long as I’m full of myself and the ways of the world around me, I’m not completely sold out to the follow and the journey He has for me.

You see to completely follow the will of God for our lives means we have to become empty on the inside. Someone very wise once said, “If you have a glass filled with water, emptying the water doesn’t empty the glass. The glass actually becomes full of air. It’s only emptied of the unneeded.”

I find this statement very true. Because, I constantly find my life full of trash. I fill myself with too much social media, gossip and judgement the Spirit has clearly asked me to not be a part of. Instead, He’s asked that I stay empty. That I only fill myself with the things of Him. Because, in doing so, the follow is much easier. Life is much simpler. And my head and heart are a lot clearer to hear His voice and follow His plan for my life.

And I get it… It’s a challenge to live a lifestyle that promotes peace and the purposes of God; however, if we aren’t willing to empty ourselves to follow Him (even if it’s the smallest bit), are we truly cultivating a life?

Mind · soul

Purposeless…

IMG_3442Lately I’ve come to realize something about myself… I’ve never felt like I had a purpose… Ever…

Growing up I feel like my purpose was handed to me… Through my grandmother… Or church… Or school… Or activities… In a lot of ways I feel like I was always told who to be and why I should be that way…

And of course choosing to separate myself from so much of my past has helped me come a long way…

But over the past month… And really over the last few days… I’ve realized that feeling like I lack purpose has caused an emotional war inside of me…

I can see now why it’s been so easy to attach myself to what someone else is doing with their purpose in life… I can see why I take another’s idea and run with it… Because in so many ways I’ve been searching and searching for my own purpose…

Honestly, I believe it’s something deep down in me… Something that I’ve hidden from myself… That I don’t know what I want or what I am doing… So it’s easier to ride someone else’s coat tails…

But then comes the interesting part… When I start to examine my life… And then I realize that there’s nothing really there for me… Well there is, but I don’t know what it is because I’ve always been told… And so I become afraid and go on this entire emotional binge… Which leads to me feeling that void with food…

And in the last 10 years… Well, I’ve learned to manage the area of food in my life… Sometimes I’ve been super controlling… And other’s times I haven’t cared… Lots of times I’ve just totally consumed so much sugar it’s a miracle I’m not diabetic…

And in the midst of it all… Well the feeling of not knowing my purpose has been so strong… So pressing on me and my spirit… Because I know deep down I have a purpose… But it’s just been so twisted and miscommunicated… And so abused…

Now I’m not discrediting my story… The things, people, environments, choices and situations that have gotten me to this moment… Because those all of those things and people have shaped me and I’ve learned to draw the good out and leave as much of the bad as I can…

So… I guess… In this moment… It’s good for me to recognize that I still don’t know what my purpose in life is… But I see and understand that a lot of the reason I’ve struggled with managing my emotions is because I have always felt purposeless…  Just confused and wandering…

But now… Now I have a clear mind and perspective on who I am how to continue to move forward in discovering more of myself… And you know what?… I’m ok with that…