“But the disappointment God… It’s SO heavy. I don’t want to feel it anymore. I don’t want to carry it anymore. Plus… Paired with the anger… The anger that’s still consuming 10% of my heart… Well the anger really makes the disappointment feel all consuming at times.”
This is me. This is me working through more brokenness with God. And… Well… You’d think, at this point, my healing would be complete in this area. But… it’s just SO deep. All of it. The brokenness touches every layer of my essence… From my human spirit, to my soul and then impacts my body in ways that it shouldn’t.
And I’ve forgiven. I’ve forgiven and chosen to move past a lot of the pain and heartache. But sometimes… Gosh sometimes I feel like the disappointment will never go away. And then I can’t seem to quite understand “why?” Why did it have to play out like this?
Actually… I’m not stupid. I understand “why,” but then I’d rather live in the deception of the past. The deception and manipulation was just so fanatical and illusive… Almost like I was living in a dream I’d never wake up from and have to take responsibility for.
But… Then… Well, I woke up from that dream several years ago and was forced to enter a world of truth and disappointment. And, some days (though they are few and far between) I still feel like I’m still waking up to an undiscovered layer of truth and disappointment.
So… what am I to do with layers upon layers of continued disappointment? Well that’s what I’ve been asking God.
And… Do you know what He keeps showing me?
Of course, it’s been way too simple for me to process at once. But everyday I hear Him say, “My love for you woke you up from the fanatical, illusive dream. My love for you drove out the lies, deception and manipulation you both created. My love protected you. It empowered you. It’s given you the ability to constantly move forward, one whole and complete step at a time. And maybe you still feel angry and disappointed. I don’t blame you. The deception was deep; however, keep focusing on My love. Keep your eyes anchored to My heart. For inside of it you will discover the healing your heart is seeking.” 🌱 #cultivatelife
If so, then you’ll understand the constant, alienating feeling of being “wronged.”
But, what happens when the bitterness you’re experiencing is aimed at God?
You see… I’ve been asking myself this question for two weeks now because He’s called me to a higher level of obedience and trust in Him.
However, my selfish ways want things that oppose His ways. The selfish pieces of my heart keep reminding me of how unjust and unfair I believe He’s being towards me.
And… In all honesty, I’m blinded. Blinded by my self. Blinded by my will. Blinded by my desires and ways.
But… I’m also tired. I’m tired of being hostile with my best friend. I don’t like feeling like He’s wronged me when, deep down, my heart knows He’s truly good.
Actually… His goodness is the very reason I keep giving Him my will and selfish ways and desires. His goodness is what keeps leading pieces of my selfish heart to a place of repentance and peace.
And so… Well that’s why I am sharing this. To remind you, wherever you are, to stay focused on Him at all times. And to choose His will over every other thing that’s presented before you. Because He… He is ALWAYS good! 🌱 #cultivatelife
“What’s in your heart Amanda?” I hear God say again.
Actually… I’ve heard Him say this to me repeatedly over the past 7 months.
And… It’s become a continuous reminder to keep my insides as empty as possible while focusing on the things of Him and nothing else.
It’s a phrase… It’s a phrase that jerks my attention… It jerks my heart’s attention to stay focused on things on high that are not of this world, time and space. To remain vigilant in protecting what enters and exits my being as a whole. To stay balanced on the inside with the constant, consistent goal of cultivating life from the inside out with Him.
I don’t want to write. Honest to God, I don’t want to at all. It’s become somewhat of a challenge to keep moving forward in this area.
But I must… I must mustard up what’s inside of me to get this done because it’s what Holy Spirit is asking.
Which makes me wonder… Where is my heart right now in the midst of everything? What’s it saying? What’s it doing? How alive and thriving is it? Am I passing constant judgment based around what I see others doing or not doing? Am I talking about people behind their back because it’s in “private,” so they’ll never truly know? Am I praying for those in real, true need? Am I using my God-given dominion and authority to speak to darkness and death and command them to be still and come no further?
What’s going on in there?
And the answer is simple. I am doing all of the above. I am alive. I am thriving. I am passing judgment. I am talking about people behind their back. I am praying for those in real, true need. I am using my God-given dominion and authority to speak to darkness and death.
So… A lot is happening in my heart.
And maybe that’s too honest for you. Hey… Maybe that’s too honest for me. But, well… It’s the truth. And I live by the truth because it sets me free.
Which is why… Deep down, past all of the dark and light inside of me, I want to encourage you to pursue truth. Truth that sets you free from any pride, fear, bitterness, deception or manipulation that have control over your heart. And, in the midst of that, I hope the freedom leads you straight to the heart of God. Because His heart… His heart has the love to heal and restore our newly freed hearts 🌱 #cultivatelife
“And then God got quiet… And He stayed quiet… And I didn’t know what the silence was for or what would happen next.”
He’s quiet. Yeah… We’re definitely having conversations about the world and my world. But… For the most part He’s super still. He doesn’t have much to say other than, “Mirror me. Cultivate an environment of peace Amanda. Let My peace rest deep down inside of you.”
And I believe He’s looking deep into my heart more than anything right now. I believe He’s searching for the darkness that’s rooted deep down in there… He’s looking for the negativity, the gossip, the judgment, the ugliness that’s hiding in my soul.
His peace actually feels like a flashlight… One that’s probing around, demanding all darkness to filter to the surface so that it can be drawn out quickly.
And I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced THIS before… This intrusive, peaceful, deep cleaning of my soul. Usually He drags out the truth or the love to straighten me out… But this time, this time He going with the peace.
And it’s different. I don’t hate it. It’s actually a lot easier to embrace than truth and love because it’s so constant, still and eternally captivating.
And I don’t know if I’m making 100% sense. But I did want to share what’s happening inside of me right now. Because I hope you feel His peace too. I hope, in the midst of the chaos, confusion and calamity… I hope that His peace grabs a hold of your heart, filters through the nonsense and then gives you a sense of confidence to stand tall with a pure and faithful heart.
We’re all speaking. With all of our facts, opinions and restless, chaotic tips and thoughts… The majority of us have something to say. Even if we don’t share about it on a public platform, we’re all talking.
So my question… My question is this…
Who is listening? Who hears Holy Spirit’s voice? And when I say this, I don’t mean the second-hand account spoken from what someone else heard from Him. I mean… Who’s truly seeking Him, listening to Him and following His ways? Who’s choosing to take the risk and live from a place of faith over constant anxiety, restlessness and fear?
And if we are listening… What is He saying to each individual heart? How is He (not the government, religion or any other crumbling system in place) about to lead us as a nation and a royal priesthood founded and designed to belong to His Kingdom alone? 🌱⚔️ #cultivatelife
I had a dream about a month ago… I was standing in my living room and from the kitchen a dark figure was standing at my counter throwing knives, swords and other sharp objects at me. In the moment I didn’t know what to do…. So I reached my hand out and surprising caught each one of them by the handle on the other end.
I had a vision this morning… I saw glass and shards of metal coming at my heart… Trying to really penetrate and tear apart this whole and complete substance God’s placed inside of me.
When the vision began, I immediately thought of the dream… So I asked Holy Spirit about both of them. He said, “Amanda, the dream was a foretelling of you handling the shards and metal in the vision. For too many years you’ve allowed manipulation, deception, fear, lies and toxic behavior to tear you down and penetrate your heart. But that’s over now. Now it’s time to stand firm and confidently and courageously catch every sharp tool darkness throws your way. It’s time to be the fortress, in this area of your life, I’ve created you to be.”
And with that… Well I just felt peace. Peace that showed me this chapter is coming to an end because I will no longer be stunned with pain, rejection, fear and confusion of the past.
And I don’t know why I’m sharing this… This is kind of deep and very personal to me on several levels of life. However, I do want you to know, we weren’t created to live in darkness, pain, fear and rejection. Yeah…. Sure we can become so familiar with the darkness that it seems like we should lie down and embrace it as home. But I believe what’s stronger than the darkness that incases us is the light that comes out of us when Jesus truly steps into our story, heals our pain and restores us to full capacity.
And I don’t know about you…. But who wouldn’t want that? 🌱 #cultivatelife
To struggle inwardly and not know or understand it’s true purpose leaves one feeling emotionally exhausted and completely overwhelmed.
And I know there’s a purpose to the struggle I’ve been experiencing for the past few weeks. But… Honestly… Honestly, I can’t begin to tell you what it is. And God seems to be so mysteriously greedy with the details of it all. “Just keep moving forward and trusting me. Be holy as I am holy.” He says.
Holiness… All of this for holiness God?! Really now?!?!
And I get it… Holiness sounds SUPER religious and outdated. So, for just a brief moment, let’s think about it like this…. When I choose to let God empty me of more darkness, it brings more light right? And with that light, I have more space for Holy Spirit right? Okay, so if there’s more Holy Spirit in me because darkness has been let out, then I am holy as He is holy. Right?
Seems simple. Feels… Well the process is a damn struggle on the inside.
But ya know… If darkness never comes out to fight, then how will it ever be conquered by light? And… How can what’s inside of me ever be transformed into true holiness if I’m not willing to surrender and just allow the light to incase the challenge that I feel? 🌱🧐 #cultivatelife #justlive
That’s what Father God seems to be searching for right now.
Since November started, I have had pivotal moments where I can sense Father God weighing my heart.
It all started with Him checking for idol worship. He gave me a task to do and I waited 24+ hours to follow through. Somehow the idol’s voice still seemed to carry a little bit of weight in my heart. But… Well… I pushed through and followed what Holy Spirit asked.
And, you know… I really don’t have to share any of this with you. What happens in my heart and yours is very personal. Especially what’s between us and God.
However, I believe we’ve all entered a time where God is beginning to weigh all of our hearts. I believe He’s searching for a remnant of people who have allowed Him to be at the very center of his or her life. A group that is separate unto Him… One that doesn’t allow self, religion, entertainment, fame or fortune to dictate his/her moves. A group that says, “I will do your will regardless of what he/she does, says or thinks… I will follow you regardless of what money says I can or cannot do.”
And so I hope, I really truly hope when He comes to weigh your heart, He finds a spotless one… One full of the real, true Jesus, Holy Spirit and Father God… And not the false, counterfeit “lights” that seem to be multiplying as they deceive and manipulate the masses.
A heart that’s patiently waiting to be used for the real, true Kingdom of God. ♥️🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive
How do I know it’s fixed? I know it’s fixed because I moved forward in life. I spoke to the fear that was trying to convince me to not move forward. I told it to sit down and shut up. I told it that it no longer has power in my life. I told it that I am a whole and complete person without the idols and lies of my past. I told it that I don’t need nor welcome it’s company anymore.
And then I did something… I stepped out again. I stepped out and stepped forward into a completely unknown and unfamiliar arena of life.
You see over the past several months I’ve been allowing God to heal my heart of some deep and delicate pain. Pain that I wasn’t really aware was there. I thought it was gone. I thought I’d dealt with my past.
But you know… Allowing God to work with me and help me process the past has really opened me up to my present and my future. I’ve never felt so capable of thriving like I do in this moment.
And I’m sure there will be moments when my past fears try to break in and lurk around in the depth of my heart. But then I’m even more certain that my healthy heart has the ability to really gain strength now. Strength that will tell my past to stay… Well in the past. 🌱 #cultivatelife