Mom-Mom…

img121Not knowing yesterday morning what was in store, I ended my journal entry with the statement that He is “always good”… Fitting for someone who used that line as an honest pillar in her life…

Right now… Now is the time I could easily say, “I don’t know what I’ll do without her”… But that’s not true at all…

Because many, if not most, will miss Delores Winder… The prayer warrior… The one who could heal with the power of God… The one who helped change people’s lives… The one with a powerful, powerful story and testament of true, authentic healing… The one with so much wisdom and love…

But, well… I’ll just miss Mom-Mom… The woman who was my grandmother… The woman no one saw but her family and close, close friends… The one who taught me how to bake, write letters to people and always took the time each year to take my sister and I on vacation with our grandfather… “One day all you’ll have left are these memories of us together,” she would constantly say…

I’m going to miss Mom-Mom like crazy… She was one of the only people that drove me absolutely insane at times, but I still loved her like no one else…

We were so much a like… Bossy, controlling, know-it alls… We both needed to have the “right” answer all the time… Haha!…

She would say, I pushed her buttons a lot… Because if she didn’t have the answer, and I knew deep down there was another way or a better way, well we would argue about it… And I would go on a quest to find it… At first this was a struggle… Me wanting more truth than I’d been given, her telling me that was it… Me believing there was more, discovering the more and then giving it to her…

After a while, well she finally just wanted to know what I’d learned… So we could talk about it together…

So to say I will miss the wisdom God gave her, the way she prayed and the things she taught would be untrue… Because Mom-Mom spent her time pouring every ounce of what she had into mine and my sister’s very beings… She knew that one day she would be gone and we would need it all… To teach others… To love others… To help direct people towards the Holy Spirit and His inner healing…

And so I believe that’s what makes this year so significant for me yet again…

Since entering the nursing home in January, I’ve really had no contact with her… And as pieces of my identity, security and confidence have been shaken from me, well the best choice I’ve found is to just follow God’s lead… Even when I can’t see… And though it’s truly been a shaky year, I believe she would be happy to know that her death hasn’t shaken me at all…

Yes, yes I am very, very sad… But I’m not broken or broken-hearted… More than anything, I feel firmer than ever…

And so I guess, well… I just want to tell her thank you… From the bottom of my very heart, thank you for loving me the way no one has ever loved me before… Thank you for believing in me and what God has given me to do in life… Thank you for teaching me how good God actually is… Thank you for the ups and downs in our relationship, they truly shaped me… Thank you for being my best friend…

And more than anything, thank you for showing me that life cannot be lived to it’s fullest without being healthy and whole from the inside out… That our spirit, soul and body have to be in alignment with Him… And that inner healing, well to me is just another way to say, “it’s time to cultivate life”…

Uninvited… 

Carrying around the love of God on the inside seems simple…

You go about your day enjoying the goodness of God… The awe of who He is and what it means to be His child…

But over the last three days or so I’ve learned something…

Something about the personality of the Father… And how sensitive He is…

I didn’t get invited to a birthday party… A party for someone I love so much… And honesty…. Well it hurt…

So in the midst of the hurt… In the midst of the thoughts that said, “But I love them and so much of my life… Of me went into that environment”…Well I found myself with a new perspective…

That perspective is this…

I assume… Since God is everywhere… That He is going to just automatically show up when He wants…

And because He talks to me throughout the day… Well I never realized He needed an invitation…

But that changed yesterday… For the first time I realized… The feelings I was having… We’re also feelings God has been having towards me…

I felt sad… Disappointed… And altogether let down… Because I wasn’t invited into an environment I poured my heart and my life into…

And I believe this is how God feels… He pours His thoughts, wisdom, love and grace into me constantly… And I speak to Him… I ask for His casual opinion… But then I hold Him back from being invited into the celebration of my day… Into the awe and thrill of the moment I may be having…

It’s like He’s worked so hard to help me become me… To place so much of Himself inside of me… And to give me the best life possible…

And then I choose to uninvite Him… I choose to go about the day… And if it’s blissful and amazing, well then I’ll thank Him… And if it’s treacherous and challenging, well I complain or ask Him “what’s the deal”…

But I don’t ever just flat out say, “Hey, God we’ve been doing life together… We’ve been on this amazing journey… You’ve taught me some amazing things… And you continue to show me what I good Father you are… Would you actually like to be invited into all of the moments I have each day?.. Like officially invited?…”

I never do that…

And honestly… The feeling of being uninvited to celebrate someone you love… Well it sucks… It hurts…

But then I guess it’s one more reason I’m encouraged to invite Him a long…

To invite Him as I just continue to live…

Seasonal Grief…

IMG_1214I’m in a place right now… A place that is full of grief… Yet full of excitement…

Looking back, I’m grateful for the death of my dad and the grief I’ve felt and sometimes continue to feel…

Because within it I’ve learned something valuable… And it’s that we go through stages of grief in life a lot…

No it’s not always as intensifying loosing a loved one… But it is grief…

To me… To me it can be best described as the feelings we get when a season is coming to an end…

Like when summer is almost over… Fall can be felt in the air… And we want to start dressing a little warmer… But then summer reminds us how amazing it is… It reminds us of all the moments we’ve spent in the heat, by the pool just laughing…

And we realize that no summer will ever be like the one before… Because we will grow and change… And a new adventure will be waiting within the next one…

And that’s what I feel right now… This seasonal grief…

It says, “move onto the next season with excitement, but hang onto these last few moments of value”…

Because to me these last few moments… The ones that I might’ve hated before… Well now they are valuable to be… And it hurts my heart to see them go…

It hurts my heart to move forward… But then again… That’s life… And that’s part of the journey… The ups and the downs… The roller coaster… The climb of the mountain…

It’s what makes things so unbearably exciting, yet so real and heartbreaking…

And I know this time will pass… And I will be consumed by the new excitements and the growth of it all…

But right now… Right now this seasonal grief is what I feel… And I believe it’s healthy to just live with it…

Hurting… But Hopeful

IMG_3502I’m hurting… There’s not an easier or better work for what I feel but pain… I just miss my dad…

And it hasn’t hit me this hard in several months… Sure I have my moments when I tear up… But for the past few days I’ve just been sad…

And maybe it’s because the reality of “one year” will be here in less than a month… Actually that’s probably true…

But death is still so strange to me… Everything about it… How we are here one moment and can be gone the next…

Before this experience… This real… Raw… Life altering experience… Well I never really thought of death at all… I never thought about my family members dying… I never thought about the pain that comes when you loose someone so close… Because why think about it?… I’m young… I’m immortal right now… Right?…

And then something like this happens and your whole life feels like it’s been turned upside down… Like someone pulled the carpet from under your feet… Mom said she felt like someone punched her in the stomach the day they knew for certain it was Stage 4 cancer… 6 months-one year….

And with a year coming to an end… Well I can’t help but be flooded with memories of how it all played out… And how so quickly my dad went from here… Present and alive… To completely and ultimately dying… To dead… No life… No breathe… Nothing… Just a sick body in a hospital bed…

But I miss him so much… I miss the time he spent with me and how much he cared to call everyday… Just to talk for a sec… And I miss him going on about mom and how she can be so funny at times… Or how about his new houses… His hopes and dreams for my sister and I…

And dad… It just doesn’t seem fair… But life’s not fair at all… When the cards are stacked right… And in this case you were ripe for cancer… Well that’s when my world shook…

And dad it’s true what they say… What I’ve heard and seen quoted… That loosing you wasn’t the hard part… It’s learning to live without you… It’s going about every single day adapting to this new normal or being fatherless…. It’s the emotions that are guaranteed to be experienced… And it’s living with the fact that I just want you back…

But I still have great hope… Though I don’t know hope… I am hopeful… Hopeful that life will continue to get better… That it will continue to have it’s ups and downs… But that it will turn out beautiful if I just step back and allow it to evolve…

And of course I’m so grateful for God… That he’s taken me in and fathered me since I’ve lost mine… I’m just so hopeful and so grateful for the blessings that will and do continue to come out of this tragic mess…

It’s Not Concrete Anymore

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Can I do this day without as much drama as I did yesterday? Can I take the stress I felt from yesterday and decrease it? God how can I truly move onto the next phase of my life if I’m staying so low? That’s what I’m doing right now…. I am staying low because I am lowly in my words, thoughts and actions… but I need to rise above drama and stress… because that’s not the way to live…

It’s not very becoming to be this way…. to continue to stir up a mess and leave myself wound up for no reason at all…. I don’t miss dad like Bridge does right now…. Is something wrong with me?… two weeks ago I cried myself to sleep 3 nights in a row… now I feel empty about the entire life-altering situation…. how do I move forward? do I move forward? or does grief come to me?

I don’t feel worried or stressed for mom either and I don’t really know why… it’s kind of like I just feel like it’s all going to work out… I have to have this kind of attitude about my own life…. so I mineswell have it with mom and bridget’s too… I guess in this strange way we are all using faith like never before… in extremely different ways… ways that are personal and central to us… but none the less very important to each one of us…

And I don’t know where any of this will take us… I don’t know how living in Cali will become a relationship and a family…. I don’t know how Bridge’s living in Cali will become her career and I don’t know how mom’s living in shreveport, moving through the mess and mud will become her new life… it’s all a mystery now… before life seemed simple… it was for sure that dad and mom would alaways be in shreveport with their house and the business….

Now… now all of that has changed… and it’s not concrete anymore…. Nothing in my life is concrete anymore…. I guess it would be wise of me to allow myself to become concrete…. To really know and understand me… For who I am and what I want…. Because if i know me…. if i am continuously familiar with who I am… Well then I will stay true to me…. I won’t really fidget when life begins to change again… I’ll just go with the flow of things and live my life in peace…

That’s what I need God…. to live my life in peace….

Hurting for Mom…

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You know those unexpected moments when you don’t think tears aren’t going to hit you out of know where?… I just simply open a photo book to find a picture for a crafting project and… boom… I’m caught in a moment…. a moment reminding me of moments in the past… moments when dad was here…

And then I start thinking about how hard our family worked to come together as one… as a team… that we didn’t always function in a peaceful, loving and understanding way… and those thoughts… those reminders that it took time for us to become a close family… well they hurt….

They hurt because my world has been turned upside down… there aren’t four of us anymore…. there are three of us…. three Winder Women remain… and it’s painful to think about…

It also hurts me when I hear my mom say thing like “there’s no one here to take up for me. To have my side and my back anymore”….

I feel like I shouldn’t be hearing those words… At least not now… Not this early in life… Not this early in her life…

And I’m irritated that no one is there for her… that no one has her back completely… that she’s facing a crazy scenario in Shreveport over finishing a house… that pisses me off… I just want to get on a plane and fix it all… to help her finish… to rectify and make things right again…

But that’s not my job…. it’s not my job or my place to fly across the country and make sure this get finished…. it’s not my job to take care of mom….

It’s my job as her daughter and friend to support her and encourage her and ask that she does have some kind of supernatural help in all of this…. because she needs it…

And honestly, I’m ok with that…. but I’m not very good at being ok with people…. with people who say they’re going to be there… and then they aren’t…

Several people that have been in my place told me that once it’s all over, the funeral, the shock of it all… well people go back to their lives… they keep living while we continue to live in our new reality…. people basically forget because they get back to their own world’s… their own lives….

And while I understand this to be true… it still hurts…

It’s interesting to see those that really care…. the people in life that I never thought would be there for me, mom or Bridge… but they are….

And then there are those that I have to try my hardest not to get offended and bitter with…. those that I thought would be there for mom…. she’s so alone…. she’s so sad… and she’s facing so much…. it would be nice to have some support and a circle around her…

But there’s really not anyone there… and I guess in a way… well it’s ok because she keeps saying she’s ready to branch out… to make new friends… to try new things…

This isn’t tearing her apart like it could…. like it does for so many….

And in the midst of it all… well I begin to respect and admire my mom in ways I never thought I would… I begin to truly see how amazing she is…

Honestly, if I was in her position…. well… I don’t know how I would act and react… I don’t know what I would do… it would be painful and I might fall apart… I might not have the strength she has…

But I just want her to be ok… to be taken care of… to be loved and to be happy and free from all of this… I hope we can look back at this… this life situation and crisis as a good thing….

Mom keeps saying hindsight is 20/20… and I hope that’s true… because I just want the best for everyone in my life… I want my mom to enjoy her life… even though it’s without dad… I just don’t want her to hurt anymore…. or be taken advantage of anymore… I want her to be protected and someone to watch out for her… even if it’s just God…. He’s enough to have her back in all situations….