Dethronement

I see a throne… It’s high and mighty… But I’m struggling with it’s dethronement. Why? Well because I like the kingdom of lies my imagination has cultivated inside of my head.

Actually, I’ve become so good at creating and buying false images that I sometimes get confused over what’s real and what’s false.

You see when I begin to feel really insecure, afraid or alone, I find myself desperately wanting to block those feelings. So, I use my imagination as a tool to place myself somewhere that makes me feel more comfortable than the present moment does. It’s like a place of refuge and security for me when life seems insecure and unknown. I find it comforting to create an untrue scenario that settles any shame, pain, fear or anxiety I feel. I create, and my reality seems to fade a way for a moment.

There’s a huge let down to telling myself lies though… Nothing I’ve told myself is real, but then I’ve created the story so many times that I begin to believe it’s real. And so my soul is trapped in a web of deception and manipulation.

So how do I get out? How do I become free from the mess I’ve created? Well, its taken time, but the Holy Spirit has revealed so much truth to me. He’s shown me that it’s really unhealthy to use our imaginations to create false worlds. He’s also shown me that I exalt my imagination higher than anything else in my life. But, I don’t see how much I worship and praise my imagination because I don’t see it’s true harm. My lies have blocked me from the truth.

However, the amount of disappointment I keep encountering in my life has kind of become a sign that’s helped me look deeper. It’s kind of caused me to start questioning God about a lot of things that I think and believe. I almost feel like I’m standing in front of a brick wall, but I can’t see the wall because I’ve painted a picture on top of it instead. And the picture is just too beautiful to be false. But then when I try to enter the image, I keep running into a wall of disappointment. I keep feeling hurt, let down and deceived. And so I now know that the wall cannot fall until I admit it’s a wall, not a fanatical image.

But, I do believe, on the other side of this wall is a path that will continue to lead me into the purposes and promises God’s intended for my life. And so, I’ve asked Holy Spirit to continue to help me remove the false images and the wall, one lie at a time. 🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive

Imaginary Life…

As God has continued to truly leave me somewhat stumped on where He’s leading me, I’ve had to make a conscious effort to remain confident… Constantly feeling fear and insecurity about where He’s led me, but then hearing His voice firmly and repeatedly say, “Be confident in ALL of my ways Amanda. ALL of them.”

And so I pick myself up and choose to grasp confidence over fear… Because in this moment He’s working me through something that has truly destroyed me for years… My imagination: my ability to make up stories in my head to escape my current reality…

I’ve done this for years to escape the stress I’ve felt when my parents wouldn’t stop arguing… Or when I felt so insecure because I hated the body I was in… Or when I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing… Basically anytime I’ve felt fear or insecurity, I’ve used my imagination to conjure up a story to make me feel seemingly better…

The downfall? It’s a story… It’s fantasy… It’s fiction… It’s not real… Meaning I’ve left myself filled with disappointment after disappointment… I’ve created a way to get rid of the stress I can’t handle, and in reverse I’ve caused more stress on my soul and mind…

So God has been working me through it all… And it’s really been a huge mountain to climb at this time… When finances are the lowest they’ve ever been, the house won’t seem to sell and the reality of life is at an all time high… Stress, fear and insecurity seem to be the most obvious route for me… Creating illusions to “make it” through this seems to be the easiest, most mind-relieving way to go…

But with God, well I am pulled to learn a new way… A new route… A better way to navigate through life…

And I’m learning that life… Life is what I lack security in… I lack the confidence to admit to myself that this is my reality… I lack the confidence to be confident in the good and the bad… It’s always easy to embrace and love the good… But the bad, who wants that?…

For me, I’d rather ignore the stress of it all and just create a better story in my mind… I’d rather change the story up some and convince myself of a bunch of lies… I’d rather be weak and cope with what I don’t understand than be confident that bad things have happened and I have to navigate through them…

But that’s when God showed me something… He showed me that deeper than being confident in life (the good and evil) is to be confident in eternal life…

Not Heaven or life after death…

But the truth that I have eternal life living in me… And that eternal life is always aiming to take the ugly parts of life and make them beautiful…

I guess you could say He wants me to be confident in the truth that Jesus is alive in me at all times… That Heaven lives in me at all times, and so a solution is in me at all times… Even when I can’t find it, He’s aiming to create a better life for me…

And so that’s how I feel right now… I see this colossal imaginary mountain I’ve created for 25 years and I feel utterly disappointed… And I’m up against another mountain called the reality of life… And they both seem so big, so scary, so much bigger than me… And I want to run and hide and be confident in the fact that I can create to escape them all… But then God says, “No. No just be confident in all my ways. Be confident in eternal life. Be confident in the truth that I am taking all of this disappointment, pain, hurt, confusion, frustration and stress… I am taking it and making it beautiful. I am making you whole. I am making a better way because that, that is what eternal life through my Son does in your life.”