Confidence · Spirit · truth

Just a Prince

Yesterday I was on the train heading uptown to SoHo… My stop, “Prince Street.”

Right before the train came to a stop, a new thought jumped on board… “If Satan is just a prince of this world, then why are we letting him reign over it?”

Immediately my mind started to ponder the reality.

You see I believe when we accept Jesus Christ we are invited into the Kingdom of God to cultivate life… Funny thing, the life around us (or the world) is ruled by an insecure, yet very crafty prince of darkness. But then God asks us to take on our royalty and to reign over this prince.

Because I believe God’s view of us is higher than the view He has of Satan. It’s kind of like the monarchy in England. Harry and William are both princes. Both respect their grandmother. They do not try to overthrow her. And they also realize William will be given the power and authority to reign over the people after his grandmother and father pass away. And then Harry knows and understands, and hopefully respects his brother’s anointing and given authority too. He would never overstep it or overthrow it.

So then my question is, “Why do we allow Satan (who is just a prince) to overstep our God-given power, anointing and authority? Why do we casually sit back and allow him to reign over our lives and decide what rules and reigns in the world? Why have believers in Christ become insecure, pathetic losers who just sit in a corner and cry, when we could just take back what’s rightfully ours?”

As a body of people who are supposed to represent Christ… I believe we are lame. I believe we are trying too hard to be relevant and hip with the culture of Satan when God says, “UMMM, Hello! I called you to stand out and be different and actually make a freaking impact because you have been given the power and authority.”

You see I believe our power, authority and anointing through Christ should actually set us apart. Not the way we dress or the things we have or the messages we preach… But the glory of God we walk in through the Spirit in every moment.

So if you half-way see what I am saying… Then please, wake up and take back your God-given power and authority back right now.

Mind · soul

Stone Wall of Defense 

Ignore it… Ignore it happened and allow the world to go on around you… That’s how I’ve been handling the death of my father lately…

Because I’m so consumed in my own world… And it’s so simple to ignore that someone is gone when you are 2,000 miles away from home…

And I thought ignoring it all was ok… Really I did… Because then I don’t have to focus on the pain… And that’s fine for me…

But what happens when the pain I am ignoring causes someone else to feel pain?…

It’s not good… Not good at all…

Moms been here since Saturday…. And I’ve been excited about her coming… But not as excited as I should’ve been… Because I’ve been practicing ignoring things that pertain to dad…

So it shouldn’t surprise me at all that in theists of ignoring… Well I’ve been really mean, emotionless, and all together a bitch…

It’s easier to be stone when you don’t know how to handle what you’re feeling…. It’s easier to just brush off the fact that mom is hurting so deep…

Those things are easy to do when I don’t know what to do… And I feel like I’m supposed to have it together… Like I’m supposed to have some kind of answer… A solution to this entire thing…

But I don’t….

I don’t know what to say when I see mom all alone… When she cries and says that she feels lost and alone… I just don’t know what to do with that at all…

And I want dad back… Here… With us so badly… Because then… Well then things would be like they were before and mom wouldn’t feel so lost… So abandoned… So without… And confused…

And I hate that in the midst of her feeling so low… So out of sorts… Well that I made her feel worse… That I’m being mean… A cold person towards anything and everything right now….

And while I should be open…. Open and alive to all of this… Well… I’m not… I’m closed off and feel out of sorts…

And I think my pain is directed towards the fact that I don’t know what happens next… I don’t know for my own life… And now I’m faced to think about the fact that my secure little family is no longer concrete anymore because we lost someone so intricate… The one who helped hold us together…

And I’m not a hugger… Someone that is affectionate… So I don’t understand why it’s hard for mom when I don’t hug her back… I don’t get how that hurts her….

And I don’t want to be mean at all… My meanness isn’t intentional…. It’s just the defense mechanism I’m using right now… To protect me from reality…

But I guess I should stop using it all together… Because in the midst of using it… Well I’m hurting someone that’s in more pain than me… And that’s not cool at all….

So I guess it’s better to be open to this reality… And to continue to remember that I’m human and that I hurt and bleed too…

Mind · soul · Spirit

It’s Not Concrete Anymore

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Can I do this day without as much drama as I did yesterday? Can I take the stress I felt from yesterday and decrease it? God how can I truly move onto the next phase of my life if I’m staying so low? That’s what I’m doing right now…. I am staying low because I am lowly in my words, thoughts and actions… but I need to rise above drama and stress… because that’s not the way to live…

It’s not very becoming to be this way…. to continue to stir up a mess and leave myself wound up for no reason at all…. I don’t miss dad like Bridge does right now…. Is something wrong with me?… two weeks ago I cried myself to sleep 3 nights in a row… now I feel empty about the entire life-altering situation…. how do I move forward? do I move forward? or does grief come to me?

I don’t feel worried or stressed for mom either and I don’t really know why… it’s kind of like I just feel like it’s all going to work out… I have to have this kind of attitude about my own life…. so I mineswell have it with mom and bridget’s too… I guess in this strange way we are all using faith like never before… in extremely different ways… ways that are personal and central to us… but none the less very important to each one of us…

And I don’t know where any of this will take us… I don’t know how living in Cali will become a relationship and a family…. I don’t know how Bridge’s living in Cali will become her career and I don’t know how mom’s living in shreveport, moving through the mess and mud will become her new life… it’s all a mystery now… before life seemed simple… it was for sure that dad and mom would alaways be in shreveport with their house and the business….

Now… now all of that has changed… and it’s not concrete anymore…. Nothing in my life is concrete anymore…. I guess it would be wise of me to allow myself to become concrete…. To really know and understand me… For who I am and what I want…. Because if i know me…. if i am continuously familiar with who I am… Well then I will stay true to me…. I won’t really fidget when life begins to change again… I’ll just go with the flow of things and live my life in peace…

That’s what I need God…. to live my life in peace….