Spirit

Continuing to Become Self…

Some moments in life ask more than I thought they would…

It’s almost like everything is moving a long at this amazing pace… I’m over here living in the moment of life…

And then… Well… Well God asks me to do something… And of course I say, “yes”… I reply with an, “yeah, I can do that”…

But little do I know the curve ball that actually comes win acceptance… Because now I find myself in a place of insecurity… A place where I’m once again being asked to allow something to help define me…

Becoming self is such a process… And honestly… Well I believe very few are themselves… Because I continue to learn that being self requires sacrifice… It means putting to the side what you think is right… And then going with what feels right… What feels effortless…

And for me… Well I feel insecure with the unknown… The unknown that will lead me to the next place in my life…

But deep down I feel like this is the best choice for me to make… And with the choice comes more for me to juggle… And while I don’t mind juggling… I am afraid that I’ll get caught up in the juggling and miss out on something…

And deep down I know that’s just my lack of confidence in myself… My lack of not believing in me…

So… In this moment.. Like the other moments of insecurity and non belief… Well I’m just choosing to move forward and do what I’ve been asked to do…

heart · Mind · soul · Spirit

Life Giver…

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A few weeks ago someone spoke the words “life giver” to me…

And since then… Well they’ve just made sense…

Because when I think about life… All that it is… All that it can become… All that is possible… All that I believe for and that I have worked for and that I believe for in others… Well I continue to want to give those thoughts away….

Essentially I want to improve the quality of life around me… To make it more alive…

And I think… Actually I believe… That as I continue to discover the woman that I want to be… Well I believe it is best for me to begin with the fact that I am a life giver…

In a way… It’s something I’m passionate about…

I never thought I would say I was passionate about anything…

For a good while I’m questioned and even thought and believed I have no passion… That only some do… And that others… Like myself… Well we don’t… That we can live without them…

But as I continue to live signals continue to confirm and point me to the fact that I love to give life…

Now don’t get me wrong… You can find me equally destroying and stealing life too… Over of gossip, jealously and bitterness…

But for the most part I just want to give… I want to give to so much around me…

And I think with time I will learn that continuing to strength this one quality about myself… Well I think I will learn that it can and it is a foundation for my life… For the woman I want to become…

Because from that phrase “life giver”… Well you can find forgiveness, grace, kindness, goodness, love and the faith I believe I need for the woman I am going to become…

And I’m sure throughout the journey I will find other qualities… More truths that fit into and compliment this phrase…

But for now… It stands on it’s own…

And I cannot wait to discover, accept, embrace and become the true meaning of this life giving phrase….

Mind · soul

Just for Me…

IMG_3059Aside from maybe one other person… I am generally the hardest on myself… But that isn’t how it is for everyone?…

I give myself such a hard time… Basically I’ve become a good bully towards myself… Even when I’m having a good day and in such a good mood… Well deep down I am still bullying me… And I suppose I’ve always been this way… And I know I’ve gotten progressively meaner towards myself with time… So when it comes to one area of my life… Well I pick on myself more…

I feel like I am terrible at making friends… Actually… I’m not terrible… I’ve just never really had to do it before… I’ve always been surrounded by a ground of people to choose from… Making it generally easy on me…

But being so far from home and everything else… Well I’ve found it feels next to impossible… Plus… I am learning so much about me… And as I do that it causes me to wonder what types of people I want in my life… And then I feel overwhelmed all together and I find myself wanting to just stay in a small little bubble of comfort… I mean that’s a good way to live life… Right?…

So since I’ve moved here I’ve bullied me… And then I’ve taken my inner bullying to the streets and bullied my sister… Which is stupid and childish and insecure… But I’ve done it… And she’s put up with it… And I go in a circle determining who I am becoming… Why I am becoming her… And determining if people I meet are the type of people I want in my life…

But in the midst of trying… Trying to find friends… And at times feeling like I’d exhausted my resources… In the midst of all the bullying… Well I realized I made a friend… I wasn’t even trying… It just happened… And so maybe that’s how friendship is supposed to work… Maybe it’s supposed to be an organic thing… One that happens as you are just doing life and going with the flow…

And more than anything… It’s so nice to know that I did it on my own… There are so very few things I’ve done in life on my own… But the more I live my life from afar.. The more that I am separated from all that I know… All that raised me… Well the more I find myself… And the more I find myself doing things on my own… On my own and just for me… And it is such a good feeling….

A feeling of genuine accomplishment and one of real confidence and security… Followed by peace…

And I can’t promise myself that I won’t stop bullying me… But at least I’ve discovered that I can do something that I thought I couldn’t…

develop · Mind · refine · soul

What’s Wrong with Boring?…

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I have a confession to make… And it’s the truth about me… I am boring… And I think I’ve been boring most of my life… And then I have to ask myself… What makes someone boring?… And what’s wrong with being boring?…
Because I have been told too many times that boring people are the ones who don’t enjoy going out… The party era of their life is over… So now they are just dull… And I did those things in college and they aren’t fun to me anymore… So now that makes me boring?…
And I do find myself in bed by 10 pm most nights… And I do enjoy getting a good amount of sleep… So that makes me boring?….
And the more I live… Well the less I want to gossip and create drama… Because it is such a killer of both parties… And it’s just bad character… And I also feel bad for tearing people down for no reason… Especially people I know nothing about… So does that make me boring too?… The fact that I don’t want to hurt people?…
But then when I consider the word boring… The fact that it means uninteresting…. Well then I realize that’s not me at all… Because my life has been full of interesting things… And if someone really knew me based off of my story… Where I came from… What I’ve done… Well to me i’m not uninteresting at all….
So it’s a little strange to me that we label people with the word boring and claim them to be uninteresting because they don’t party, go to bed early and disregard gossip….
I’ve also never been in love… Or a serious relationship of any kind and i’m 26… So does that make me boring too?…
I guess so… But at the same time… If we knew each other based on our adventures up until this point… Well… Would we be so quick to label and judge and decide who is and isn’t….
And I’m expressing all of these things because if being boring is what life has decided to label me… Well it’s ok… Because I enjoy being who I am and doing what I do…
And… At the end of the day… Well I’m just me… And it’s taken so long for me to just be me…