I see a throne… It’s high and mighty… But I’m struggling with it’s dethronement. Why? Well because I like the kingdom of lies my imagination has cultivated inside of my head.
Actually, I’ve become so good at creating and buying false images that I sometimes get confused over what’s real and what’s false.
You see when I begin to feel really insecure, afraid or alone, I find myself desperately wanting to block those feelings. So, I use my imagination as a tool to place myself somewhere that makes me feel more comfortable than the present moment does. It’s like a place of refuge and security for me when life seems insecure and unknown. I find it comforting to create an untrue scenario that settles any shame, pain, fear or anxiety I feel. I create, and my reality seems to fade a way for a moment.
There’s a huge let down to telling myself lies though… Nothing I’ve told myself is real, but then I’ve created the story so many times that I begin to believe it’s real. And so my soul is trapped in a web of deception and manipulation.
So how do I get out? How do I become free from the mess I’ve created? Well, its taken time, but the Holy Spirit has revealed so much truth to me. He’s shown me that it’s really unhealthy to use our imaginations to create false worlds. He’s also shown me that I exalt my imagination higher than anything else in my life. But, I don’t see how much I worship and praise my imagination because I don’t see it’s true harm. My lies have blocked me from the truth.
However, the amount of disappointment I keep encountering in my life has kind of become a sign that’s helped me look deeper. It’s kind of caused me to start questioning God about a lot of things that I think and believe. I almost feel like I’m standing in front of a brick wall, but I can’t see the wall because I’ve painted a picture on top of it instead. And the picture is just too beautiful to be false. But then when I try to enter the image, I keep running into a wall of disappointment. I keep feeling hurt, let down and deceived. And so I now know that the wall cannot fall until I admit it’s a wall, not a fanatical image.
But, I do believe, on the other side of this wall is a path that will continue to lead me into the purposes and promises God’s intended for my life. And so, I’ve asked Holy Spirit to continue to help me remove the false images and the wall, one lie at a time. 🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive
Last night I found myself in the midst of deep internal conflict. Why? Well, I was wrestling with God’s will verses my will… this happens frequently.
You know those days when you feel like everything’s an uphill climb? You know… the ones that make you feel like you’re never going to reach the destination?
Yesterday I was on the train heading uptown to SoHo… My stop, “Prince Street.”
What do you see when you look at this photo? I see a sassy, insecure and entitled girl.. I see a girl that is essentially covered in sin and filth and all that distracts me from God’s goodness and truth for my life.
What happens when you realize you’re wrong? How do you move forward when you see that the picture… The truth… The reality was upside down from what you imagined it to be?