Confidence · soul · Spirit · truth

Two Trees

I left social media. I didn’t deactivate my accounts, but I left… Promising myself I would return when I felt I could consume without being burdened by pride, hate, bitterness, anger, jealousy, grief and shame.

That’s what social media does to me. I pick it up with the idea of “connecting” to “share” my world and the truth I’ve experienced while following God, but then I usually leave feeling worse than when I entered.

You see over the past decade I’ve learned how to connect to God. And… through this single, significant connection I’ve allowed Him to lead me as I’ve learned how to cultivate life.

Actually, He’s emptied me of the dying, decrepit life I was living, restored my broken pieces and parts and then filled me up with grace, love, peace, patience and endless joy.

So… when I sit down and begin to eat the fruit of social media, well my seemingly healthy vessel becomes completely overwhelmed. My insides begin to fill with endless, sometimes useless knowledge of good and evil. And, a lot of the time, what I consume begins to pull my human spirit and soul down as it leads me astray. It begins to probe at my heart, in an effort to cause unneeded division, confusion, jealousy, anger and death in me and with those I choose to share it with. Also… somehow, I become like God because I begin to feel the need to shoulder up the burdens of my world…. As if I even have the understanding and wisdom to solve anything outside of what He’s given me.

It’s not supposed to be like that though. God didn’t create us to carry death and decay. He created us to connect to Him through His Son Jesus, and then point others to that same connection so that they might be made well and new too!

Because… You see when we connect to God and Him alone our souls don’t feel burdened anymore. He gives us exactly what we need when we need it, rather than us pridefully, greedily and selfishly taking from other sources. When we humble ourselves and meet with Him on a moment-by-moment basis, He hands us life-giving skills in increments because He never wants to overwhelm our refinement, development, maturity and growth. 🌱#cultivatelife

Confidence · death

Tears and the Unknown

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I cried myself to sleep last night… it’s been a while since I’ve let loose and cried that much… I didn’t think I had that much emotion inside of me to let go of… but apparently I did…

Death hits us all in different ways…. Mom closes on the house today… it’s finally over… done… completed…. she’s completed something that others didn’t think she could do on her own… especially considering the circumstances….

And I’m glad she’s done… but then what will she do next….

These weren’t my thoughts last night… they weren’t what brought me to tears… but they’ve helped me remember why I became so emotional in the first place… and it’s because of the continued absence of dad… because I can’t call him… because my life is missing him….

It’s actually lacking so much than it was a year ago… so very much… and I don’t know how I feel or what to do about it all right now… I hope that something will fill the gaps…. the missing holes and spaces I continue to feel and experience as life moves forward….

I keep learning that regardless of the amount of money I make, nothing can compare to the journey I’m on… to my story and all that I continue to experience on a daily basis…. Nothing can compare to what I’m gaining from my job…. the things that are molding me and helping me continue to become… well… me….

And in the midst of all of those tears…. the amount of sadness I feel over loss and death…. well I wonder if I’m actually becoming me… if I’m actually moving closer towards what I want….

I’ve heard a quote that says, “who were you and what did you want before the world told you who you were supposed to be and what you were supposed to want?”…. and honestly, I don’t have a solid answer yet…. which is probably why God’s response to me was “figure yourself out. I can’t give you what you want in life if you don’t know who you are”….

So I’m still here… here in this space of learning about me… of figuring me out…. And a lot of the time I feel spaced out…. like I’m on autopilot…. just doing life and hoping it will all fall into place and I’ll wake up one day and realize it all….

Someone I work with encouraged me in a way yesterday when she said “it’ll probably all click in at once, what you want to do and who you want to be. And then you’ll leave. You’ll be done here and look back and laugh that you were even here”….

And sometimes I believe that’s true…. incredibly true… that I’ll continue to pick up pieces of me… and one day I’ll sit down and realize I have them all… that moving to Cali was a good thing at the time because now I have a completed puzzle and I can confidently move forward….

Even in my dream last night I was encouraged… I found myself surrounded with people in my work environment and there was a dolphin swimming right beside me… I wanted to break free so much and swim with it…. but I was afraid it may be something other than a dolphin even though I knew deep down that it was…. But I was still so afraid of the unknown…. so so fearful of the what if… of taking a chance and getting hurt or disappointed… of venturing out on my own…

But if I don’t ever venture out on my own…. venture out and ever discover for myself if what I see is really true…. then how on earth will I be able to experience something I’ve always wanted to experience?…

Because if I don’t go for everything I am feeling… everything that feels true to me… well then I’ll always live in this area of fear…. fear of the unknown and fear that something won’t fill these missing spaces… these gaps….

So I guess… I guess I should just move forward with it all…. whatever it is that is right in front of me… but that I am so afraid of… because I don’t want to miss something great… something great and life changing….

soul · Spirit

Unknown

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Figure out who you are they say…. take the challenging, difficult and path less chosen is what I hear… Discover who you truly are and live that life is what I’ve been encouraged to do… Do it because you’ve done so many difficult things before is what I could do….

But at the end of the day…. Well I feel lazy and unmotivated…. I feel like I’m wandering around without my head screwed on very tight… I feel like I’m walking around in a dream or something… waiting for someone to walk me up and tell me to get back to work… to finish what I started… to move back to Dallas and complete what I was doing…. because at least that was known…. at least it felt familiar….

This…. this life I’m living now… it feels so different…. it’s so far from where I was… and I don’t mean the physical location…. I mean everything about who I am and what I’m doing… it’s changed… it’s different… it’s a different kind of challenge….

A challenge to really be me… to be vulnerable enough to uncover who I am and what I want… and honestly, I fear doing that because it’s unknown and uncharted and I don’t like what I don’t know…. And I fear what I can’t even see… even if if it’s right in front of me….

So I guess my question to myself today…. my real challenge I need to uncover is something simple… something small… and it’s just to answer if I like feeling confused and out of focus?….

And I know the answer is no… because deep down in me I want to help others…. and how can you truly help and give of yourself to others if you don’t know what you’re doing or which way you’re going?…

I don’t believe you fully can…. So I guess today I’m just going to try and surprise myself… to do the unknown and the uncommon… to beat my fear and begin to outsmart it…. because I honestly want to move forward… I want to find my way out of all of this mess… and finding it would be so nice….