Reflection…

IMG_7450 (1)Sometimes… Sometimes moving forward with life… Moving onward with the present moment… Moving towards greatness… Moving towards your destiny… Well… It comes with a price…

And sometimes that price is sacrifice…

Because no matter how much we might dislike moments of life… Well those moments have made us who we are…

And that’s where I find myself…

Reflecting on moments in the past two years… Moments that weren’t always fun… Moments that weren’t always happy… Moments that caused me to question and wonder… But moments that shaped and molded me into who I’ve become today…

And as I reflect on them… Well I am grateful… I’m grateful for opportunity… Grateful for love… Grateful for the ability to learn and to be taught be those that are younger than me…

Because as this day ends… As we put a cap on the first week of this new year… Well I find myself grateful for every moment of it…

For tearful goodbyes to children I love… And to the excitement of what lies ahead…

For I know and believe it will be great…

Make Us or Break Us…

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For there are things in this world that make us who we are… And we couldn’t be our present selves without the past…

Where would I be without my past?… It has sculpted me into the woman I am today… And it encourages me to continue to become the woman that I desire to be tomorrow…

Tragedy… It seems… Well it seems as though it’s helped make me… It’s helped in crafting the woman I am today… Because it’s cut the ties of control that held me down and back for so long… It’s given me life…

And as much as it hurts to know my father’s life ended so sadly… Well without his ending I wouldn’t have my right now… And because of that… Well I am grateful for tragedy…

And though the transition for my family has been real… Well it’s been so very good…

I now believe in tragedy… Because it’s helped make me… Time has taken my pain and helped spread it out… It’s encouraged me to move forward and allowed the sting… The reality of it all to seem to fade away… And though it’s still painful.. Well I’m grateful for the making… Grateful that it’s made me and not broken me to pieces…

Diamond Moment of Trust…

I have a set of gold drop diamond Kate Spade earrings…. Wearing them and talking on the phone while driving never go hand in hand for me… They clank into the glass and drive me insane….

So…. I always take one off…. And I usually set it in my lap…. Thinking I’ll remember it’s there by the time I get home…

But I always forget…. And the LA hike to and from the car is too much to go “make sure” the earring is on my seat… So I always… Well I always cheat…. I ask God if it’s there… Or if, by some chance, it’s fallen on the ground…. Waiting to get stepped on or stolen…  Meaning I need to go back and get the damn thing…. It’s not a real diamond…

And every time He tells me it’s on the seat of my car… So I rest easy… Sure to see it the next morning…

This entire scenario happened 4 days ago….

But a day before that… Well I had a “I’m 26. Not in a relationship. Not married. No kids. Meltdown.”…. It was one of those “where’s my life taking me moments”…. And I was just too much….

But as I laid my head down to sleep… Well God told me to keep moving forward… That he’s got my back and I don’t need to panic at all… Because as I trust what I’m doing… Well I should trust him for the things that I want most in life… They are becoming a reality before my eyes… I just don’t see them yet…

After that convo… Well the incident with the earring happened… And in that moment I trusted that the earring was safe and sound… Waiting… Just like he said…

And of course it was there…

But in that moment I felt God basically laugh… In a way that showed me he was teaching me something yet again…. And I ignored that he wanted be to learn something… Hurrying to call everyone I could think of before I got to work… No one answered…. I finally said “ok God… What are you trying to show me?”….

And then I saw it…. The earring scenario…. Something so valuable to me…. I love jewelry… Well… I trusted exactly what he said… I didn’t panic… I rested all night long…

But then something equally as important and valuable to me… My future… Well I didn’t trust what he said… I panicked… I panicked hard core….

But there was no reason for me to panic at all… Because he was being honest with the earring and my future…

And I guess I say all of this to remind myself… To remind myself today…. That God is watching me… He’s taking care of me… He’s still my best friend… And now he’s my dad… And he’s willing to give me the answers to what I need when he knows I need them… And if I’ll just continue to chill… If I’ll just continue to live everyday to the fullest and not panic… Well my future… What I want will become a reality….

And I’m ok with that….

Pause… And Celebrate

IMG_3258Something I’m really bad about is celebrating the moment…. You know… The victories of life… Whether small or big, I feel like I spend too much time focused on getting “there”… And then when I do get “there”… Well I just move forward and think “ok… what’s next??!”…

And while I believe it’s good to live with a mindset of moving forward… On to bigger, better and maybe more amazing things… Well isn’t it important to stop and look down at the bottom of the mountain?…

A wise man told me once that life is like climbing a mountain… That it takes so much effort to get to the top… So much work… But that when we reach the top we should stop and look around… Look in amazement at the view… What it brings us and how far we’ve come… That we should be excited and proud (in a healthy way) that we’ve made the journey to the top…

And then of course I was encouraged to not stay at the top… But to allow life to drag me down the mountain in excitement… To feel the rush of the drop to the bottom… Because soon… Soon it would be time to climb another mountain again…

And I feel like… At this stage of my life… This chapter seems to have so many small mountains… Almost like little cliffs that I have to get past… And they seem like a lot in the moment… But then when I’m in them… Well I kind of feel experienced and like I’m acing them…

That’s why I am beginning to learn that it’s good to stop and take in what I’ve accomplished… For each jagged edge I’ve gone past…

And for me this is s tight rope to walk… To be proud without being insecure… Pride is one of my biggest downfalls… It always has been…

But when I feel the goodness and the gratefulness and the grace of life well up in me… When I realize that I didn’t get where I am today on my own… But that others… Many… Have contributed to my present… Well I just feel so overwhelmed…

And then I have to remind myself of all of the things that get us to the current moment… The people… The choices… The ability to obey authority… The want… And for me… Most importantly… I feel like it’s always been my relationship with God… And the choice to continue to follow him… Even when I am so very scared…

So within this moment… This moment where I am learning to be more graceful towards life… Well I just want to celebrate a little… Just enough to recognize how far I’ve come… And then to move forward to whatever is ahead… But with the confidence that there is a mountain with jagged edges in behind me… One that I conquered…

My Present… 

 My grandfathers in the hospital…. And I’m not going to act like it hasn’t been bothering me subconsciously… Because it has…

I think it’s bothering me more than I allow myself to see… I’m good at distracting myself from reality… Especially painful reality… Or so I’m learning about myself…

And I think the part that sucks the most is the knowledge that we are approaching one year… One year since cancer became a reality for my family… So just the thought of sickness, hospitals and the overall health of someone I love is a little challenging for me…

And I don’t know what to do with all of it… I don’t want to think about someone else I love dying… I hate those thoughts… And he just has pneumonia, but still the thought of losing more people I love is painful…

I feel like I’m losing my family… And I guess that’s part of life… It’s what happens as you grow up and get older… People pass on…

But I miss being able to have conversations with my dad… I thought about how strange it is that I can’t have death conversations with him… This thing that I had never experienced before… Well now that I have I can’t hash out my thoughts with him over it… And I always enjoyed sharing my thoughts with my dad….

It’s weird to think I never talked to him about death… Because now I feel like I talk to everyone about it… Like I’m an open book of sorts…

But right now this situation with my grandfather has me in knots… And I know that he’ll be fine… It’s just I don’t want to loose someone else I love… Not now….

Right Where I am…

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do you ever wonder what the next stop is?… what the next little growing season will be in between reaching a goal?… sometimes i wonder this god… sometimes i wonder if i am doing everything i should be doing to the best of my ability…
i look to my right and see a pile of christmas cards i need to and want to write and then i feel bad because i haven’t started them and i’ve been just relaxing and chilling and doing what i want to do for the past few days…. i’ve been home since late sunday night and all i’ve done is engaged in things i want to do…. so, is that so bad?…
and then i hear you ask “well… are you enjoying yourself?”… and of course i am… i am because i’ve been able to just relax and be… i feel like i’m finally coming to a place of peace… life around me doesn’t stress me out much anymore… and i am so much more willing to go with the flow than i’ve ever been…
it’s funny to compare life to a year ago god… i was miserable this time last year… i couldn’t and wouldn’t let go of the jealousy, pride and bitterness… it had all set in so quickly… and i just watched it as it took hold of my life… and i was frozen in fear… and i couldn’t get out of the place i was in for anything… the best thing for me to do in that moment was pick up my life and move it across the country…. in hopes and search and with faith that soemthing greater was waiting fo me here…
and i believe that it’s true… that it was… that in that moment i made the best decision for my life… and i look around and realize that it was the best decision for me… and then i look at others and want to compare myself so much…. look at all the things i’m not doing…
but then i have to remind myself that this life is not about cmparing apples to oranges…. it’s not about what others are doing versus what i am doing…. more so it’s about if i’m enjoying the life you have given me… and i believe that i am….
i believe that i am enjoying my life more and more everyday…. and when i feel myself comparing myself…. well i just have to remind myself how dumb it all is… because if i am truly happy…. which i believe that i am… then what i see shouldn’t matter… unless for some reason i think it’s going to help me enjoy life more… and then i realize that comparing myself causes me to enjoy life less…
and i guess what i am trying to tell myself more than anything is that i’m alright right where i am… and that i should continue to live and love and learn right here in the present moment… because this moment has so much to offer and enjoy…

A Moment Without Words

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There’s an image in my mind… An image I can’t shake…

It’s the day of dads visitation and I’m running late… Moms a case of grief… She’s falling apart when it’s almost time to go…. So I leave… I leave with pictures in hand to place on tables and such…. But I don’t leave alone.. My cousin and one of my best friends rides with me….

The whole ride is so silent… So still… I mean what does anyone say while riding to their dads visitatin?…

And then we arrive and I try to hurry as fast as I can across the parking lot, inside the building….. Where I come across so many faces that I know…. So many are already there to pay their respects…

And mom is late… Late and the casket that we wanted closed is open… Open so that she can tell dad goodbye… But it’s supposed to be closed before everyone enters the room…

And I’m so focused on placing the picture on tables…. That I walk into a room…. A room that is still…. Still… With only the music from a video playing… Flashing pictures on the screen of our family…

Then I see it…. The casket is open… I wasn’t prepared for that moment… I didn’t want to see my father in his casket…. I opted out on that one… Only mom wanted to be a part…

And it struck me so hard in that moment…. Like I didn’t know what to do… What to say… What to think… My whole being was silent and still…

It was such a strange moment….

And as I began to place the photos on the tables… The moment became stranger…. Because I began to realize dad was in the room…. But dad wasn’t in the room… Only his body was there… Just his body…. And it was weird… Not normal….

Because it’s not normal to be in the presence of an empty body… A dead, lifeless body… Without breathe or life…

That’s not normal at all…. Or at least it’s not normal for me….

And I don’t know what to do with moments like this… The ones that take your breathe away… The ones that cause you to question all of life…. The ones that don’t really have words to match the intensity of them…

There’s nothing to say in those moments… Nothing that really describes what you’re feeling… But it’s a moment that happened…

And I believe it’s power is worthy…. Worthy of being told… Told and talked about and expressed…