Write… write he says again… write and express your thoughts and feeling towards life…
So I find myself here… again… at my computer… sitting in my bed… in the warmth of my bed… listening to the rain coming down…. and I write… I write and I think…
It’s now a new year… we officially rung it in last night… or about 8 hours ago… and honestly… well it was a simple evening… a simple evening with the three people I love most in life right now…
And it’s taken me so long to get to this place… this place where I feel comfortable with being… just being.. just being at home… with the company of the three people in my life that are constant… my mom and my sister… I feel like the three of us have grown tighter through dad’s death… that now we are all each other really has…
Death has taught me that… to value those that mean the most… and I don’t want to spend my time talking and thinking about death… but I do want to say that simplicity of life has become who I am more so…
And maybe it’s a mindset… because I look around at the actual me and don’t see simplicity… but I feel more simplistic in thoughts and actions… and I think that’s a really good place for me to be right now…
And hopefully I can stay here in simplicity of mind…
My sister seems to think I will look back on this time in my life and really be in awe of the fact that so much was happening at once and I really didn’t even realize it… and maybe that’s true… maybe if I took a moment to step back from the picture I would see that life is moving so quickly and that I am changing so much… and that I am being impacted so much…
It’s funny… as I get older.. I care less about the people I surround myself with… I care less about being a part of the scene… the fun scene… I wanted to be a part of living life for so long… and I went about it in so many different ways… so much has brought me to this exact point… and now… well now.. it’s a means of deciding i am happy here.. I am fullest when i’m not trying to please other people but i am just focusing on being me…
And I guess that’s what packing it all up and moving to Cali was all about… finding me… discovering what I truly do and do not want… and I’ve found that I want a family… I want a husband and children and more than anything I want to create a life…
Or maybe I just want to continue to create the life I’ve started… because so far it’s been great…
And I’ve been told this year is about new beginnings… and I’m sure that’s a loaded statement for me… I’m sure there will be so many new beginnings… and honestly… I hope with each new one… well I hope I don’t freak out… I hope I maintain this peace I’ve cultivated… and that it continues to expand into my life and the lives of those around me….
And I know that I don’t know where this job is going… what will come of it… how it’s actually part of a greater picture of my life… but I do know what I’ve expressed… the thoughts I’ve had… and how in the midst of my thoughts when I am alone… that I’ve been thinking about becoming so much… yet it’s so small…
And I think that’s ok… because it’s me… the real true me… and I’ll just stay on my path now…
For about a year now it seems as though God’s been emptying me of more… More fear. More idolatry. More selfishness. More hurt and pain. More of me.
New month… New season… New people… New places… New ideas… The past is gone and all is new now.
