Maturing… For Life…

In the quest for who we are… I believe… If we step back long enough… Examine the mountains that we’ve climbed.. Well we might just see what made us…

And somewhere… Somewhere in the midst of all of it we find self…

And that’s where I find myself right now… In this monent…

For I no longer consider myself the person I was before… This younger 20 year old in search for life…

Now I see myself maturing into more… Because in the next 3 years of life… Well I’ll mature into a 30 year old woman…

And I believe that once I’m 30… Well those things.. The truth… The way I choose to live my life… The experiences that have molded me… Well they will actually be me… And I will be them…

So I find it very very important in life right now to actually continue to go through the process and down the trail life and God have placed in front of me…

And along the way I continue to see that things I was forced to do as a kid… As a teenager… Even as a young adult… Well they’ve become something that I initially hated but now I see that I need them…

Because… Well they truly are important to life… To the quality of life… To my happiness in life… For the sake of my future and the future of my future family…

And no… No not everyone is going to experience what I’m in the midst of… Because we’re all different… But I do believe at some point… At some point the things we’ve all struggled with… The things that make us who we are…

Well I do believe… As we age… They are cemented to us… They become us.. They become our DNA… Who we are and what we do…

So… As I see this so much clearer every single day… I feel encouraged to keep moving forward… To cling to the things that are for me… And to do away with the things I do not want to become…

And then… Somewhere in the midst… Well… To just live…

Break Up…

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There’s a place in my heart that still feels pain…

Most of the time the pain is faint…

I can barely feel it because of the abundance of life…

But then there are those moments… The moments when I am reminded of dad… And how much I just… Well how much I simple miss him…

And over the past few days I’ve kind of made a promise to myself to once again work on an area of my life that needs some type of adjustment… I’d like to call it the complaining zone…

I complain so much some times…

And when I think about complaining… Well it reminds me of all the times my dad would tell me to cut the whining and complaining out… Because it’s unattractive…

He would say, “Amanda, no one wants to listen to you whine and complain”… And I don’t know if my complaining is really all that bad… But it got under his skin… And now it is getting under mine…

So… I guess in the midst of being reminded of dad… And missing him some… Well I am grateful that he always pointed this out in me… Because… Right now… Well I am finally ready to move forward… And just stop… Stop allowing something that can be so soul sucking to remain a part of my lifestyle…

So.. I guess I’m breaking up with complaining…

Bye Fear…

IMG_4346It’s ok to feel afraid… Right?… To know that there’s so much in front of me… But then to not know the details… But I can certainly feel a lot ahead…

That’s where I am right now… Where I stand… In this area that encourages me to move forward and to pursue all that’s happening in the moment… But then I have these moments… These moments… Where I want to look back… To see the past for a second… But I know I shouldn’t look there at all… It’s not important anymore…

But then I feel afraid… Afraid of completely letting go and getting lost in it all… Because what if I completely love it?… What if I get so completely lost in where I am… Well that I forget?… That I forget about the life and lives I used to know and be a part of?….

And then God says that’s what he wants…. That’s exactly where I should be to move into the destiny and life he has for me…

And I know deep down that fear…Fear will keep me here… It will keep me disconnected from what I’ve been pursuing… And what I want so much…

So I guess I’m just going to throw it all aside… Throw fear to the wind and separate myself even more from where I was… Because hanging onto it all… Well it won’t get me anywhere…

It’s New…

IMG_2285Write… write he says again… write and express your thoughts and feeling towards life…

So I find myself here… again… at my computer… sitting in my bed… in the warmth of my bed… listening to the rain coming down…. and I write… I write and I think…

It’s now a new year… we officially rung it in last night… or about 8 hours ago… and honestly… well it was a simple evening… a simple evening with the three people I love most in life right now…

And it’s taken me so long to get to this place… this place where I feel comfortable with being… just being.. just being at home… with the company of the three people in my life that are constant… my mom and my sister… I feel like the three of us have grown tighter through dad’s death… that now we are all each other really has…

Death has taught me that… to value those that mean the most… and I don’t want to spend my time talking and thinking about death… but I do want to say that simplicity of life has become who I am more so…

And maybe it’s a mindset… because I look around at the actual me and don’t see simplicity… but I feel more simplistic in thoughts and actions… and I think that’s a really good place for me to be right now…

And hopefully I can stay here in simplicity of mind…
My sister seems to think I will look back on this time in my life and really be in awe of the fact that so much was happening at once and I really didn’t even realize it… and maybe that’s true… maybe if I took a moment to step back from the picture I would see that life is moving so quickly and that I am changing so much… and that I am being impacted so much…
It’s funny… as I get older.. I care less about the people I surround myself with… I care less about being a part of the scene… the fun scene… I wanted to be a part of living life for so long… and I went about it in so many different ways… so much has brought me to this exact point… and now… well now.. it’s a means of deciding i am happy here.. I am fullest when i’m not trying to please other people but i am just focusing on being me…
And I guess that’s what packing it all up and moving to Cali was all about… finding me… discovering what I truly do and do not want… and I’ve found that I want a family… I want a husband and children and more than anything I want to create a life…
Or maybe I just want to continue to create the life I’ve started… because so far it’s been great…
And I’ve been told this year is about new beginnings… and I’m sure that’s a loaded statement for me… I’m sure there will be so many new beginnings… and honestly… I hope with each new one… well I hope I don’t freak out… I hope I maintain this peace I’ve cultivated… and that it continues to expand into my life and the lives of those around me….
And I know that I don’t know where this job is going… what will come of it… how it’s actually part of a greater picture of my life… but I do know what I’ve expressed… the thoughts I’ve had… and how in the midst of my thoughts when I am alone… that I’ve been thinking about becoming so much… yet it’s so small…
And I think that’s ok… because it’s me… the real true me… and I’ll just stay on my path now…