Not Instant Gratification…

The woman I want to be… The woman I should be… Well she’s much more patient than I’ve been lately…

As so much curiousity over where I am in life swirls around in my mind… Well I believe I’m just learning another aspect of God…

It’s an aspect… A way of looking at what He’s promised…

A way that I’ve never truly wanted to or have known how to pay attention to before…

My grandmother used yo say, “just put it on a shelf”…

That was her way of holding onto the promises… The prophicies… The truths of what God has spoken… But what she had yet to see become a reality….

And in this crazy world we live in… Where almost everything is given to us instantly… Well I’ve forgotten that she taught me to put it on a shelf…

And when you’re 20… And then 25… And even now at 27… Well you’d think some of the things Gods shown me would have become a reality…

But I think I’ve finally come to a place of perspective…. A place that speaks more on the truth of God’s timing… And that says to me that… Well maybe God shows us things when were young… But maybe that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll happen in a year… Or in 5 years… Or even in 10 years…

Because I’m finally realizing this mindset of instant gratification is so unrealistic… And completely unhealthy…

And that… Yes, yes sometimes God does things instantly… Or within months of each other…

But the kinds of things I’m talking about are more like “my life’s mission” type of scenrio… And for some reason I just keep thinking they’re going to play out now…

It almost feels like planning for my 50th birthday party… Only I’m in my twenties… And it doesn’t matter how much I plan now… Well I still have to live several decades before I reach 50….

So I believe that’s what’s happened here… Gods placed something in my heart… And being young… And living in an age of social media and immediate download… Well I’ve assumed it’s going to happen “now”… Or really, really soon…

But with age I continue to see that good things take time… Lots of time to grow and mature…

And so we are challenged with just being in the now… And loving the now… The present… Just loving it with all that’s in us…

And for me that’s actually a thing I hate…  Because I want to follow the “I can do anything I want… Be anywhere I want… And have anything I want instantly…”

But God… His systems… His ways… His Kingdom… Well that takes time for change to be enacted…

And as much as I don’t want to be ok with that piece of reality… Well I believe having peace with it will be helpful… And will encourage me to just live and experience whatever is next in all of its fullness…

Waiting for the Bloom…

Why does it seem like… In the midst of seeing where my life is in this moment… In the midst of being in this moment where I have to grow… In the midst of knowing that I’ve chosen to follow what God says is best… Well why is it that I find myself trying so hard to distract myself from reality….

Reality being that growth isn’t always exciting… Yeah, sure… It’s great to look in the rear view mirror and see it in the past… Sometimes I wave at the past and think, “I’m glad that’s where you are!”…

But then there’s the reality of looking at what’s ahead… What’s right in front of my face… And the knowing that patience… So much patience is required to see something bloom…

It’s funny… I never purchase flowers with the intent of staring at them until they open up and reveal what’s on the inside…

So why is it that I choose to stare at my life like that…

Why do I choose to look at it… Study it with great intent… And try and figure out why I haven’t seen the beauty of what I know and believe can and will be on the inside…

No with flowers… With flowers I go about my day… I live life and enjoy the moment… And then when I least expect it I glance at the flowers… And all of a sudden they’ve opened up to reveal something marvelous…

And… Well I think that’s how I should be living right now… With the knowledge that this stage of life… Well that it hasn’t exactly bloomed yet… And it feels boring… And it seems monotonous…

But if I can just keep living… Keep living and stop looking around at everything else that’s already bloomed… Well then sooner or later life will have opened up for me too…

Wandering with Stillness…

Emotions… They can be such a funny thing… A mixture that causes us to feel all sorts of ways at once…

That’s where I am right now… I feel peace in the place I am standing… But at the same time… Deep down… Well i recognize this unfamiliar feeling…

This feeling that my mind communicates as “oh you do not want to experience that feeling… It’s uncommon and unknown…”

Because I feel like in the midst of the peace… In the midst of the stillness… Well there’s this presence of wandering… And it’s a wandering that causes me to simply question, “well Amanda what are you going to do? How are you going to respond to your present?…”

And in a lot of ways wandering can seem negative, but I just don’t feel negativity coming off of this at all…

It’s more like preparation… Preparation that will provide the type of faith I will need in the next season… Really the next chapter of my life…

Because I feel as the world shifts and changes in all sorts of way… Well I feel that this faith is entirely and absolutely necessary…

And I also feel… That with a peaceful, still spirit, soul and mind… Well that it’s pretty simple to cultivate inside of me…

So as I enter this next chapter… This next place of my life… Well I welcome it with gratitude… Gratitude and excitement…

But most importantly… I welcome it with a state of peace and stillness…

Waiting…

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Have you ever had to wait for something?… But you don’t really know what you’re waiting for?…

I feel like I am waiting on something… Like I cannot move forward in life until something happens… But I don’t know what that is…

And God feels distant from me right now…

Like I have the security of knowing, if I need him, he’ll be right there… And each time I speak to him he answers… But it’s very distant… Like he’s holding back for some reason… And I have no idea what that reason is…

So I suppose I’ll just wait… I’ll just sit back and wait for him to give me whatever I feel like he’s preparing…

And the preparation feels like he’s getting something ready… But he can’t give it to me jut yet…

And honestly… For me… This could be a challenge… To wait… To be patient… To know something good is coming… To feel it around me… But to not know what that something is…

But if I can’t learn how to just be… How to just wait for the weight of something great… Well then I can’t be the woman God is consistently shaping me to be…