The Possibility of Now…

April 29, 2015February 15, 2017 AmandaLeave a comment

Separated from the South… From all that I know… And sometimes I wonder if I am doing this thing called life the “right way”…

And though I’ve learned that there isn’t a “right way”… I believe there are good ways and the best way… The best choice for me…

Well I feel like I’m at this strange place… This place where I want whatever life has to give me…

I feel disconnected from the person I used to be… Living here… Away from everything and everyone has given me to opportunity to be myself… And God knows I needed that more than anything…

But I still find myself a little fearful… Fearful of letting go and moving forward… Fearful of letting go of all that I know and really becoming me… Because I feel like when I do… Well I’ll love it too much and forget… Forget about people… Forget about things…

I fear that I’ll totally leave it all behind…

And I don’t think it’s a bad thing… I mean happiness in life is pretty important…

So why?… Why hang on to all of these things?… It’s not like they are doing me any good… I have my whole life to live… And I’m living it from the beautiful state of California…

And I feel pretty certain that I will be here for a while… Which doesn’t bother me… It genuinely makes my heart happy… But I still feel sad… Or maybe I want to feel sad… Because it means friendships will continue to fade away… And people will continue to move out of my life…

And honestly I think I fear that because it’s taken me time to learn how to cultivate friendships… Plus… I still don’t feel like I am that great at it…

And God continues to tell me to stay in the environment I am in… To keep moving forward and allowing it all to evolve into something beautiful… And I feel like my purpose within what I am doing has changed… And I find myself impressing myself… And then I have to remind myself of all that I’ve done before…

Plus a conversation yesterday led me to realize… I like life when it moves at the speed of constant growth and chaos…

Growing up my house always had chaos in it… Sometimes it was a little too much… But most of the time… Well I enjoyed the craziness of being a Winder… Of having a dad that instigated and terrorized… Because at the end of the day it wasn’t boring… It was always fun and entertaining…

And I think that’s what I continue to see about myself… Though I feel like a boring person… I can’t stand to be bored… I can’t stand to sit in front of the TV and distract myself from reality… To me that’s not engaging enough…

So I would rather fall asleep talking to God… Or thinking about life…

And the more I come to recognize and accept these things… Well the more I feel like me…

So I guess it’s ok to let go of the things that I am holding on to so tightly… So deep down inside… Because I think when I do finally let go of them… Well I believe that my life will open up a little more to the possibilities that await me…

And honestly… Well honestly I feel like possibility is all around me… The ones that I see and the ones that are for me… And right now… Well I am so ok with that…

Confidence · soul · Spirit

Steady, Secure and Uncertain

January 4, 2015February 15, 2017 AmandaLeave a comment

I feel so uncertain of life… Not knowingness what my next move will be or where life will take me next… And I don’t feel secure in anything more than myself right now…

Because I know I don’t want to nanny forever… And I don’t want to live in Cali forever… But it’s where I am right now… And so living from the now is so important…

But I realized something today… Something that has become so much more true with in the last year….

And that’s that no ones life and future are certain… So many of us live these lives that seem to be so concrete… Like we have the idea that this is how life will go and it won’t change without me planning the change…

And it’s so much easier to welcome change when we’ve planned it… But when it’s unplanned… When suddenly something happens in life we didn’t see coming… Something that truly rocks our foundation at its very core… Well then… Then all of a sudden life is uncertain…

And in saying this I’ve realized that life was uncertain before my dad died… I just didn’t realize it… It was also uncertain before I moved and before I the job I have now… I just didn’t live with an uncertain mindset… A mindset that says “life can change at any moment.. And I’m just here to enjoy and ride it out the best way possible”…

So I’m a way it’s comforting to think everything around me is uncertain… Constantly in a state of movement and changing daily….

And I think it encourages me to continue to be like the nature I see around me… Because nature sees a lot of uncertainly… But the flowers still bloom in the Spring and the leaves still fall in the Fall… They are confident and secure in themselves enough to do what they were created to do… Regardless of what goes on around them…

And I think I should continue to watch nature… And be in awe of what I see and how truly fascinating it is to just live and be with the changes that go on around…

And for me… Today… As I head back to Cali… With a heavy heart…. But a light mind… Well I’m just going to continue to stay steady, secure and so uncertain…

Spirit

It’s New…

January 1, 2015February 15, 2017 AmandaLeave a comment

Write… write he says again… write and express your thoughts and feeling towards life…

So I find myself here… again… at my computer… sitting in my bed… in the warmth of my bed… listening to the rain coming down…. and I write… I write and I think…

It’s now a new year… we officially rung it in last night… or about 8 hours ago… and honestly… well it was a simple evening… a simple evening with the three people I love most in life right now…

And it’s taken me so long to get to this place… this place where I feel comfortable with being… just being.. just being at home… with the company of the three people in my life that are constant… my mom and my sister… I feel like the three of us have grown tighter through dad’s death… that now we are all each other really has…

Death has taught me that… to value those that mean the most… and I don’t want to spend my time talking and thinking about death… but I do want to say that simplicity of life has become who I am more so…

And maybe it’s a mindset… because I look around at the actual me and don’t see simplicity… but I feel more simplistic in thoughts and actions… and I think that’s a really good place for me to be right now…

And hopefully I can stay here in simplicity of mind…

My sister seems to think I will look back on this time in my life and really be in awe of the fact that so much was happening at once and I really didn’t even realize it… and maybe that’s true… maybe if I took a moment to step back from the picture I would see that life is moving so quickly and that I am changing so much… and that I am being impacted so much…

It’s funny… as I get older.. I care less about the people I surround myself with… I care less about being a part of the scene… the fun scene… I wanted to be a part of living life for so long… and I went about it in so many different ways… so much has brought me to this exact point… and now… well now.. it’s a means of deciding i am happy here.. I am fullest when i’m not trying to please other people but i am just focusing on being me…

And I guess that’s what packing it all up and moving to Cali was all about… finding me… discovering what I truly do and do not want… and I’ve found that I want a family… I want a husband and children and more than anything I want to create a life…

Or maybe I just want to continue to create the life I’ve started… because so far it’s been great…

And I’ve been told this year is about new beginnings… and I’m sure that’s a loaded statement for me… I’m sure there will be so many new beginnings… and honestly… I hope with each new one… well I hope I don’t freak out… I hope I maintain this peace I’ve cultivated… and that it continues to expand into my life and the lives of those around me….

And I know that I don’t know where this job is going… what will come of it… how it’s actually part of a greater picture of my life… but I do know what I’ve expressed… the thoughts I’ve had… and how in the midst of my thoughts when I am alone… that I’ve been thinking about becoming so much… yet it’s so small…

And I think that’s ok… because it’s me… the real true me… and I’ll just stay on my path now…