Not According to My Plan…

A lot of the time… Well… Most of the time… In the midst of the unraveling of the moment… Of the next moment… Of the now…Well I find myself wanting to be somewhere else…

I find the moment I’m in isn’t good enough… And I always want more… I always want better…

And then sometimes life isn’t like I planned it to be…

Because things happen off of my schedule… When I believe they should and shouldn’t happen…

And then comes the terrific thing I have called my imagination… And you’d think by now I’d just use it for good… To build things that are worthwhile… Things that won’t disappoint me…

But I don’t…

So I find myself frustrated and angry about situations that never existed in the first place (maybe I should’ve been a fiction writer)…

And then God has to come in and remind me over and over again that life is fine… That I just need to keep living and doing what He’s asked of me right now…

But that doesn’t stop the feeling I get of being flat out disappointed…

And I believe this is when I should just continue to realize that life doesn’t go according to my plans…

It doesn’t follow the signs “Amanda’s Way, Turn Left Here”…

And I believe… Deep down… If it did… Well I wouldn’t be the person I am today… And life might be way more stressful and confusing…

Because… As much as I think I know myself… Well I don’t… And that’s when I’m so glad God knows me better… That He knows what I need and what will make me truly happy…

So I just have to continue to believe following His Spirit is the best plan for me… And that He won’t let me down…

Even when I might think what I’ve planned is better…

The Possibility of Now…

IMG_3560Separated from the South… From all that I know… And sometimes I wonder if I am doing this thing called life the “right way”…

And though I’ve learned that there isn’t a “right way”… I believe there are good ways and the best way… The best choice for me…

Well I feel like I’m at this strange place… This place where I want whatever life has to give me…

I feel disconnected from the person I used to be… Living here… Away from everything and everyone has given me to opportunity to be myself… And God knows I needed that more than anything…

But I still find myself a little fearful… Fearful of letting go and moving forward… Fearful of letting go of all that I know and really becoming me… Because I feel like when I do… Well I’ll love it too much and forget… Forget about people… Forget about things…

I fear that I’ll totally leave it all behind…

And I don’t think it’s a bad thing… I mean happiness in life is pretty important…

So why?… Why hang on to all of these things?… It’s not like they are doing me any good… I have my whole life to live… And I’m living it from the beautiful state of California…

And I feel pretty certain that I will be here for a while… Which doesn’t bother me… It genuinely makes my heart happy… But I still feel sad… Or maybe I want to feel sad… Because it means friendships will continue to fade away… And people will continue to move out of my life…

And honestly I think I fear that because it’s taken me time to learn how to cultivate friendships… Plus… I still don’t feel like I am that great at it…

And God continues to tell me to stay in the environment I am in… To keep moving forward and allowing it all to evolve into something beautiful… And I feel like my purpose within what I am doing has changed… And I find myself impressing myself… And then I have to remind myself of all that I’ve done before…

Plus a conversation yesterday led me to realize… I like life when it moves at the speed of constant growth and chaos…

Growing up my house always had chaos in it… Sometimes it was a little too much… But most of the time… Well I enjoyed the craziness of being a Winder… Of having a dad that instigated and terrorized… Because at the end of the day it wasn’t boring… It was always fun and entertaining…

And I think that’s what I continue to see about myself… Though I feel like a boring person… I can’t stand to be bored… I can’t stand to sit in front of the TV and distract myself from reality… To me that’s not engaging enough…

So I would rather fall asleep talking to God… Or thinking about life…

And the more I come to recognize and accept these things… Well the more I feel like me…

So I guess it’s ok to let go of the things that I am holding on to so tightly… So deep down inside… Because I think when I do finally let go of them… Well I believe that my life will open up a little more to the possibilities that await me…

And honestly… Well honestly I feel like possibility is all around me… The ones that I see and the ones that are for me… And right now… Well I am so ok with that…

My Present… 

 My grandfathers in the hospital…. And I’m not going to act like it hasn’t been bothering me subconsciously… Because it has…

I think it’s bothering me more than I allow myself to see… I’m good at distracting myself from reality… Especially painful reality… Or so I’m learning about myself…

And I think the part that sucks the most is the knowledge that we are approaching one year… One year since cancer became a reality for my family… So just the thought of sickness, hospitals and the overall health of someone I love is a little challenging for me…

And I don’t know what to do with all of it… I don’t want to think about someone else I love dying… I hate those thoughts… And he just has pneumonia, but still the thought of losing more people I love is painful…

I feel like I’m losing my family… And I guess that’s part of life… It’s what happens as you grow up and get older… People pass on…

But I miss being able to have conversations with my dad… I thought about how strange it is that I can’t have death conversations with him… This thing that I had never experienced before… Well now that I have I can’t hash out my thoughts with him over it… And I always enjoyed sharing my thoughts with my dad….

It’s weird to think I never talked to him about death… Because now I feel like I talk to everyone about it… Like I’m an open book of sorts…

But right now this situation with my grandfather has me in knots… And I know that he’ll be fine… It’s just I don’t want to loose someone else I love… Not now….

Grateful for the Present

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Ten days into a new year… ten days in and I feel like life is moving along so swiftly… and I don’t really have time to live in the past anymore…

And I think the truth in not living in the past becomes more real everyday… almost like I feel as if I am wasting time by going back to the past to think about memories or to feel some kind of guilt, jealousy or even self-hatred… It’s all become so ridiculous…

And I feel like in this moment… this particular one in general… well… once again I am learning so much… and I feel like it’s true… that I’ll look back on this time… this time where I got to become me… that I’ll look back and realize I was growing faster than I even realized or imagined… and that life was taking me on this amazing journey… and that God was guiding me right along… and that he continued to surprise me and just give…

And sometimes it seems difficult to continue to live in the moment… and love the moment I am living in…

To me… well… to me it’s much simpler to plan and create what might happen next… then I can control what my life will become… and nothing will sneak up on me… but I’ve learned that I like the surprise… the sneak attacks and not knowing what card I’ll be dealt next…

And it’s taken me so long to come to this place…

But today… well today I am just grateful… grateful that I can continue to look around me in amazement… that everything I see on the west coast is so spectacular and beautiful… it’s designed in such a way that I feel like speechless…

And I’ve never been good at being grateful… but it’s something that I’m striving towards… because I am learning… that in the midst of moving towards what I want… which is my own family one day… well life is giving me so much along the way…

And if I can’t stop and smell the roses on my journey to that destination… well then I’ll miss out on the goodness God has provided me with right now… and I can only enjoy all of this right now.. because it is after all in the present…

So saying this… well it encourages me to continue to just live…