Spirit · truth

Lovely Perception

Can I be honest for a moment? I honestly see no real need for Valentine’s Day. I mean if you want to spend a day wasting more time, money and energy on those you love to prove you love them… Then go ahead and add pink and red hearts to your narrative. But, you see it’s all really a little much for me.

However, since we’re talking about love, I believe it’s important to mention something I’ve been going through lately.

You see I have this place inside of me that constantly feels like there’s no one there to take care of me. Since I’m unmarried, without a boyfriend and my dad’s dead… Well I constantly feel like no one has my back at all.

Now, I always feel protected by God and the supernatural… But when it comes to feeling like someone cares about my emotional needs and thoughts, well I just feel unsupported.

And I know I’m supposed to gain all of this from Father God, but lately I’ve been really angry with Him about life… So then it’s hard to think that He really cares.

However, the other night some things that could’ve been a complete failure equated to success. And… Well… Honestly, the success had everything to do with God having my back. He was in my corner in a moment when I needed Him the most by making sure everything was seemingly seamless.

So now I find myself in this place…. A place that’s forcing me to admit that I’ve misperceived God and His love for me.

And… Well, I don’t want to do that anymore. I need better perception. šŸŒ±šŸŒ· #cultivatelife

Mind · soul

Stone Wall of DefenseĀ 

Ignore it… Ignore it happened and allow the world to go on around you… That’s how I’ve been handling the death of my father lately…

Because I’m so consumed in my own world… And it’s so simple to ignore that someone is gone when you are 2,000 miles away from home…

And I thought ignoring it all was ok… Really I did… Because then I don’t have to focus on the pain… And that’s fine for me…

But what happens when the pain I am ignoring causes someone else to feel pain?…

It’s not good… Not good at all…

Moms been here since Saturday…. And I’ve been excited about her coming… But not as excited as I should’ve been… Because I’ve been practicing ignoring things that pertain to dad…

So it shouldn’t surprise me at all that in theists of ignoring… Well I’ve been really mean, emotionless, and all together a bitch…

It’s easier to be stone when you don’t know how to handle what you’re feeling…. It’s easier to just brush off the fact that mom is hurting so deep…

Those things are easy to do when I don’t know what to do… And I feel like I’m supposed to have it together… Like I’m supposed to have some kind of answer… A solution to this entire thing…

But I don’t….

I don’t know what to say when I see mom all alone… When she cries and says that she feels lost and alone… I just don’t know what to do with that at all…

And I want dad back… Here… With us so badly… Because then… Well then things would be like they were before and mom wouldn’t feel so lost… So abandoned… So without… And confused…

And I hate that in the midst of her feeling so low… So out of sorts… Well that I made her feel worse… That I’m being mean… A cold person towards anything and everything right now….

And while I should be open…. Open and alive to all of this… Well… I’m not… I’m closed off and feel out of sorts…

And I think my pain is directed towards the fact that I don’t know what happens next… I don’t know for my own life… And now I’m faced to think about the fact that my secure little family is no longer concrete anymore because we lost someone so intricate… The one who helped hold us together…

And I’m not a hugger… Someone that is affectionate… So I don’t understand why it’s hard for mom when I don’t hug her back… I don’t get how that hurts her….

And I don’t want to be mean at all… My meanness isn’t intentional…. It’s just the defense mechanism I’m using right now… To protect me from reality…

But I guess I should stop using it all together… Because in the midst of using it… Well I’m hurting someone that’s in more pain than me… And that’s not cool at all….

So I guess it’s better to be open to this reality… And to continue to remember that I’m human and that I hurt and bleed too…

death · truth

Protection

IMG_4924

When we were kids, a friend down the street had a bunch of invisible lizards. They were contaminated from some sort of chemical and the friendĀ let us play with them… Totally harmless! Well…. that was 20 years and 3 houses ago. Today our homeĀ is about 20 miles from the home the lizards were first seen. Since that time, we haven’t seen them… And mom has questioned when she will see them again.

Well.. the night dad passed, momĀ came home to find 3… yes 3 invisible lizards on the front porch entrance way. Mom, came running inside, freaking out telling us to come look. So Bridge and I rushed out the door and saw 3 lizards just chilling on the stucco wall. It was really cool in that moment… and mom kept saying I haven’t seen these since we lived on Yarbrough. Then Bridge (true to form) laughed and said, “Well… dad came back to us in the form of 3 lizards. You know there’s NO worries or stress in that life.”

Since that night, we see lizards everywhere. Seriously. There’s one that’s always on the outside window shade, and he peers in through the window at all times of the day… rain, sun or clouds… the little dude is always chilling there. And today… today, mom went out to dad’s garage to find a doorknob (she hasn’t been out there since dad passed) and there was a lizard just hanging out on his work bench…. Of course she yelled for me and was freaking out again… My mother isn’t dramatic at all…

So… since this morning I’ve been thinking about lizards some.. Is it possible that a piece of dad could come back in the form of a lizard? Is God just reminding us that dad will always be a part of our lives? Or… are we just a little crazy? I mean it is summer in the south and lizards are everywhere.

Whatever the answer is… I looked up lizards and discovered some pretty cool meanings and symbolisms behind them. The RomansĀ say they symbolize death and resurrection. So, in a way, this means a lot to me because I am experiencing death for the first time and dad is truly dead… But, since we believe in heaven, his body is new and he has been resurrected in a way. And then I could go with the whole thought that he’s been resurrected into a lizard… but I won’t go that far.

But the meaning that meant the most was the West Africans. They believe the lizard represents protection. And I love this the most because it’s nice to think my dad is here in some way protecting me. This doesn’t in any way discredit God protecting me… I promise… But I’ve always felt very protected when my dad was around. I always knew he had my back… even when we didn’t see eye to eye. Even when we went through a time of arguing everyday… he still cared and wanted to make sure I was taken care of.

When I went to college, he hated that I was 6 hours away because he couldn’t control and patrol my every move. Thank God he wasn’t watching TV when the tornado landed in Tuscaloosa because… honestly he would’ve been flipping his shit. He didn’t even know anything happened until I texted him and said we’re alright. His response was, “what are you talking about?” And my response, “turn on the news.”

And… Once there was a bomb threatĀ on LSU campus (I went to BAMA), and he sent me a text saying, “LSU campus evacuated after bomb threat- y’all keep your eyes and ears on around there, we live in crazy times. You and B should talk about what you’d do in a crisis on campus. Call me if you need some input.” And when I called him later to laugh about his text…. his response was even better, “I’m not kidding Amanda. Watch for guys in trench coats and stay aware of your surroundings!”

In a lot of ways… well in almost every way my dad was overprotective…. but he had good intentions for the protection of Bridge and I. He never wanted to see us hurt or in pain… Ever. One time I was very hurt by a family member and he wanted me to let it go… but I was in so much pain at the time. It wasn’t time to let it go yet. After getting in a heated argument, I burst into tears and expressed my pain. In that moment, my dad saw how hurt I was and just let me cry. He didn’t argue with me anymore. From that point, he took my feelings to heart and started protecting them for me a little more… making sure I forgave, but only when it was time.

And I am so grateful for his protection now. Yes, it was overbearing at times.. but I miss it. I mis him and his constant phone calls about living in L.A. and how earthquake prone it is… “Maybe you should come home pooch. Not too safe for living.” And.. I hate that it’s taken his death to be appreciative of his overbearing ways. I hate that. Why couldn’t I have appreciated it then? Or, at least acknowledged my appreciation? And, there’s really no reason to regret…. but I do hope… I hope with all of me that my dad is protecting me in some way… even if it’s through the sight of a silly little lizard.