Sky’s the Limit… Right?

Over the past week or so something has been troubling my heart. Nothing bad has happened, but all of a sudden I feel very distant from God…

You see for almost a decade I feel as though I’ve been climbing this very, very tall, but bumpy mountain range. Now when I began my journey I had thoughts about what life would be like when I reached the top where the sky rested. I just knew in my heart it would equate to an authentic relationship with God, something to cherish and hold close to my heart. Something that reflected closeness and reality.

And, as I’ve climbed, I’ve definitely felt close to Him. At times I’ve looked parts of the sky straight in the eye and thought, “Gosh, I’m finally here. I’ve finally cultivated a relationship with God in this area of my life.”

However, at this place in my life… Well, I’m coming to what seems to be the highest point of the range I’ve been climbing. And, for some reason… Well I don’t feel the way I thought I would.

You see instead of feeling close to God, I look out at the journey below and look up at the sky above and I realize that there’s so much about God that I don’t know at all. In a way, the sky intimidates me because I know in my heart it stretches so far upward and sideways. And all of those thoughts and feelings about reaching the top and being close to God have somewhat disappeared because I realize that I am so very distant from who He really is.

Now, in this moment, well I feel two distinct things. Half of me is in awe that there is still so much to learn about Him (I mean, I’ve been at this concentrated journey for a decade. That’s a long time). But then the other half of me feels a little lost and a little confused because I don’t know where to go from here in my relationship with Him. It’s all very puzzling to me.

And, sure eventually the Holy Spirit will point the way. But right now I can’t help but sit here amazed, yet questioning God and who He actually is.

Year Four

From the window of mom’s new house I sit in my bed and watch the river flow as the sun rises every morning. Some days it flows left. Other days it flows right. But then there are days when it’s peaceful and still, reflecting the life around it.

Now, I’m not sure what the river is going to teach me about life yet. I still have about a month to spend with it before heading into my next adventure; however, the peacefulness of the river has definitely caught my attention.

You see when looking into a flowing river you can’t really see what’s being reflected very clearly. The current it moving too fast to get a clear perspective, and so it’s easy to believe things are a chaotic mess. But when the current slows down to a pace of nothing, all of a sudden this beautiful image pops back at you.

In so many ways and for so many reasons this is how I feel about the last four years for my family. The river of life has been a constant, yet messy ebb and flow. Some days the wind would move it violently to the right, and then other days it would quickly changes courses and snap it to the left. But then in moment’s like this, when it’s still, well the reflection reveals how beautiful life truly is. It’s at a calm state of being. There’s no wind to tell it which way to go or who to be in that moment. Instead you can sit back and breathe, while taking in the view of God’s goodness.

You see there were times over the last four years that the chaotic wind and current caused me to question if we’d ever make it through. I would sometimes frantically and fearfully wonder, “Will mom would be ok? Where will finances come from? Will we ever stand in the goodness of God as a family again?”

But now, now that the wind has died down I can see that it was imperative that it blew violently and harshly. I can see that it was necessary that we felt the hard struggle of the moving current below. And I can also see that God knew, in time, we would all be starring at a calm and peaceful river of life that reflects only the goodness He ordained and created within the chaos of the flow.

Going Down

If you’ve ever hiked a mountain before then you know the feeling that comes when you finally reach the top. In an instant all of the work it took to get there means nothing because you feel like you’re on top of the world. And, in a lot of cases, you can see for miles below.

Well over the last few days I had the opportunity to take a short trip to LA and hike my favorite mountain. On day one, our hike was essentially perfect. I was trilled to be in my element; however, day two was completely different. When we got to the top it was almost impossible to see what was below because a deep fog and rain had set in. And though I knew there was a buzzing city below, all I could see was the ledge in front of me.

As I starred off into the unseen distance, thoughts began to tumble through my mind. In that moment I knew we wouldn’t stay at the top for very long, but that we would have to make our way back down to the bottom. However, the hike down would most definitely be different than the hike up. Because on the way down we would be moving faster. The opposition of the climb wouldn’t be there, and we would be free to relax some and have fun.

For so many reasons that’s how I feel about life right now. The months of climbing have been painfully long and at times terrifying. I’ve wondered on many occasions, “When will this be over? When will we finally reach the top?” And, now that we’re at the top I can confidently see the goodness of God for miles.

However, like day two’s hike, there’s somewhat of a mystery to our journey down because a fog and rain have settled in. Meaning, I know in my heart there is so much of life waiting for me at the bottom, but I can’t see it. So, again it’s really going to take faith to put one foot in front of the other and walk down this mountain side.

And sure the journey down will be a lot faster, but it will be filled with things I might not be prepared for because I can’t see what’s in front of me. And yeah, that could create intimation and fear; however I’ve just got to climb down to be a part of whatever is happening at the bottom.

When It’s Finally Over

In the past few months I’ve heard it said at least 20 times now, “Well, hindsight is 20/20.”

And though I do believe that statement is true, I’ve grown to love the confusion and uncertainty built into life. Now, don’t get me wrong… I don’t like to be confused and uncertain; however, without the confusion and uncertainty of tomorrow, how would we ever grow? How would we ever learn? How would we ever become more than what we already are today?

Because I believe that the struggle and the fight and wrestling have made me who I am. And though I dont ever like the confusion and uncertainty of the moment or the season, I would truly be utterly lost without them.

It’s almost like God let’s you feel a little bit of confusion for a moment… Almost like He knows that confusion and uncertainty is not His way, but He knows that you feeling that way will end eventually because if you hold to His ways you will come out on the other side with clarity and peace and prosperity.

In my heart, I hope my family never has to walk through what we have ever again. I pray that these past four years, especially this past year and a half are over for good, but gosh I am grateful for every moment of them.

Grateful because they were filled with moments that helped uproot my weaknesses and insecurities. And now that they’ve all wilted away and died down, I can see that what I hated created a beautiful masterpiece of work. Something that I still can’t fully comprehend or wrap my mind around. But something that is good and viable and was extremely worth my time and tears. Because in this time God helped me grow up and truly mature into a woman who cannot and will not be ransacked, shaken or blown away by the realities that are found within the lows of life.

And you know what? I’m ok with it.

Another Leap

Another leap of faith with God is verbally in the books… From my mouth, to His ears… I’m gonna follow what seems crazy and strange again. Because I’ve chosen to leave doubt and fear right where they’re at.

And well… This leap means so much to me on so many levels of life.

Mainly? Well mainly it means I’m choosing to trust God again in areas of my life where I’ve felt utterly disappointed.

You see, in the past I’ve found myself following the Spirit and what He’s said for my life, but then I’ve taken the fullness of what He’s said out of context. I’ve placed my guidelines around what He’s spoken. And in doing so, I’ve expected things that were not for that season of life. And… as a result, I’ve found myself hateful, angry, bitter and disappointed with God. He didn’t fulfill things the way I wanted them done or when I wanted them done.

However, experience has taught me that God never breaks His promises… And, when it’s time, He will fulfill all that He’s spoken to my heart.

So, that’s why I find myself here. I hear what He’s saying and I want to doubt because the past hasn’t happened like He said or like I envisioned, but then He’s saying, “Now. Now it is actually time for so much of what I’ve promised you years ago. So much of what you’ve hoped for and dreamed about.” Meaning, I’m choosing to let the past be the past. I’m choosing to let go of the anger, bitterness, resentment, hatefulness and disappointment towards Him. I’m choosing to simply take a leap of faith again.

And yeah, I’m aware I might get let down; however, if I don’t leap with the Spirit’s lead, I’ll never know what happens when I hit the ground.

Doubtful Focus

It’s funny.. The Lord has never failed me in what He’s spoken to my heart, yet I still doubt what He says is to come.

You see He has a pretty good track record of being right. Actually He’s never wrong. He’s always 100% correct when telling me what’s to come.

So why do I still doubt? You’d think I’d flat out believe everything He tells me by now. The good. The evil. The right. The wrong. But I don’t. Instead, I doubt. I get discouraged in my heart and look at the reality of the situation surrounding me.

And I know doubt is the opposite of faith, but I can’t help it. It’s like I almost feel gun-shy about accepting the goodness He says is coming into my life soon.

But I shouldn’t feel gun-shy at all. No, I should hold my head high and keep my focus on Him… On Jesus… On the Father… On the God-head who so willingly leads me through the mountains, hills and valleys of life.

You see to focus on Jesus constantly is an awfully challenging task. There are so many things that try to distract and distress us. Plus, sometimes it’s hard to even understand what it means to focus on Him. But I’m learning that to focus on Him is to focus on faith, hope, love, joy, goodness and peace. It’s choosing to place my entire life in His hands knowing deep down all that I am is because of Him.

And when my ever-so wondering mind strolls down a path of doubt and fear… Well I have to quickly remind myself that I’ve never been peacefully successful on that road. And that it’s time to be led back down the only road that leaves me mysteriously reliant on an intangible God that has never failed me before.

This is the Day!

“This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.”

Psalm 118:24

Growing up, I continuously heard my grandmother sing Psalm 118:24. We could be anywhere, doing practically anything and she’d freely breakout this phrase for anyone that was listening to hear.

To me… To me these words didn’t mean much of anything at all, but to her… Well you could always tell she had a deeper understanding of rejoicing in the goodness of today.

You see, as I continue to just live in today.. As I continue to just focus on the now.. As I continue to let tomorrow worry about itself and bring it’s own problems and pain… Well I’m learning something else that is revolutionizing my life.

Today is the only day I actually have. Sure I can fantasize and hope and pray for tomorrow, but today… Today is it.

And, in so many ways and for so many reasons today is the day I’ve been yearning for. It’s the day I’ve hoped and prayed for. It’s a day I’ve cried tears over. A day that I’ve wished upon a star to be in. Because you see while I’ve been following the Holy Spirit, Jesus and the Father have been constantly and consistently supplying me with a freer life than I previously had. They’ve been working with me to toss my past, my failures, my fears, my worries and my shame so that I may pick up their grace and freedom and love.

And, in doing so, I’ve become a better person. A more alive and fuller person. An increasingly more pleasant person to be around because I’m not dictated by hate, fear and pride.

And because of this, well I can confidently walk into each day and just live my life. I can truly repeat the phrase, “This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Because, though the day might be full of trial, error and terror, it’s still a day that God has fully formed for me. A day that He created for me to walk through in freedom and in love.

Right now you might be thinking, “Amanda, this isn’t making sense. I don’t understand.” And you know what? It’s ok. If you’re anything like I am, you understand what its like to be stuck in a place of worry and panic and fear; however, when we choose to let go of pain and the past… When we give God control of our free will… And when we continuously allow Him to direct our lives, well we find ourselves in a place of peace. And in that place of peace is the ability to just rejoice and be glad in today.