Just Walk…

img_4301If someone asked me “Amanda, what’s the biggest thing you struggle with today?”…

I’d have to say my pace…

Most of the time, my days and weeks are inconsistent… I jump all over the place, meaning my soul is never consistently following the Holy Spirit’s flow… He’s moving right a long at His chosen pace, but then I’m jumping from one task to the next… And I become overwhelmed with not being able to keep up, which leads me to feel overworked and frustrated…

Plus, the constant pace of the tangible is very overwhelming to me… “Hustling” has become the way of life for so many people… And, if you’re like me, choosing not to hustle might place you in the “lazy” category… Or worse, it might cause people to think, “she doesn’t want this bad enough”…

And this is why, I believe, we are created to be consistent on the inside… That God has asked us to walk… Not to sprint… Not to run… And not to hustle… To do what’s simple… Just walk…

Funny thing, walking is when I feel consistent… It’s when I feel balanced… It’s when I feel healthy and whole from the inside out…

So, as the week continues to move… I ask you to join me, as I choose to just walk through life… Because walking is so much more beneficial to us than running or hustling… Because, when we walk, we can actually see life… We allow ourselves to stop and talk to people… To consider what might be dying or growing on the inside of us… And most importantly, to give us the opportunity to be grateful for the fact that we are alive…

To Rest Means to Sort…

For the last two years my mind, will and emotions have been wrapped up in my job…

So choosing to follow the Holy Spirits lead and “just rest”… Well it sounds simple, but then I have to step back and realize it requires one word… “No”…

Because saying “no” means I have to disconnect myself from things that might still be job related… I have to say “no” to phone calls, messages and sometimes… Well things I might really want to do…

But then… Then I have to say “yes” too… I find myself saying “yes” to being still… “Yes” to not having anything to do… And “yes” to complete silence…

Because rest doesn’t mean more sleep… Sure, I might get more sleep, and that’s fine…

But really rest is unplugging my mind, will and emotions from the environment I was in for two years…

And in most cases that means I have to believe God will handle what I have chosen to walk away from… That He will place individuals in the lives of those that I care so much about… That I poured so much time and live in to…

And yes… Yes that is a little scary for me… Because I love to be a part…

And that’s what I believe I am learning this moment… That resting means disconnecting…

Disconnecting myself from the things that have held my attention for so long… Pulling the plug and focusing myself on what I’ve learned… What I’ve truly gained out of the last two years…

Because in this time… Well I’m realizing I picked up things that I don’t need… I picked up stones that looked like pearls… And I need to weed through and toss those stones on the ground…

But I’ve also picked up pearls that I need to move forward…

So today… Within this week… That’s where I find myself… Tossing out the stones… The things I want to be pearls, but will never be… That’s not their destiny…

And then polishing and cleaning up the pearls I do have…

So that I can learn how to move forward and just live an even fuller life…

Wandering with Stillness…

Emotions… They can be such a funny thing… A mixture that causes us to feel all sorts of ways at once…

That’s where I am right now… I feel peace in the place I am standing… But at the same time… Deep down… Well i recognize this unfamiliar feeling…

This feeling that my mind communicates as “oh you do not want to experience that feeling… It’s uncommon and unknown…”

Because I feel like in the midst of the peace… In the midst of the stillness… Well there’s this presence of wandering… And it’s a wandering that causes me to simply question, “well Amanda what are you going to do? How are you going to respond to your present?…”

And in a lot of ways wandering can seem negative, but I just don’t feel negativity coming off of this at all…

It’s more like preparation… Preparation that will provide the type of faith I will need in the next season… Really the next chapter of my life…

Because I feel as the world shifts and changes in all sorts of way… Well I feel that this faith is entirely and absolutely necessary…

And I also feel… That with a peaceful, still spirit, soul and mind… Well that it’s pretty simple to cultivate inside of me…

So as I enter this next chapter… This next place of my life… Well I welcome it with gratitude… Gratitude and excitement…

But most importantly… I welcome it with a state of peace and stillness…

Closing My Mouth…

img_8948It’s seems as though there’s an age old battle going on inside of me…And it simply lies in my ability to open and close my mouth…

I was raised in an environment that encouraged me to talk about others…

I can remember having a family dinner one time… I had to have been about 10… My mom, sister and I were sitting there discussing everyone we could think of… Downplaying their existence… Then… Out of nowhere, my dad gets up from the table…

He was angry… Angry that we were gossiping… That we were spending “family dinner” talking about the shortcomings of others…

He just wanted us to stop… To just enjoy the meal before us on the table… But instead we were just gabbing away…

And as I tell this story… Well it causes me to think about how my Heavenly Father has to feel…

God is simply trying to be a part of my day… Each moment… My life… In so many ways… Well he’s asked me to sit down at a table with him and feast on good things…

But I continue to find myself in the corner with the staff… Discussing the shortcomings of all that are seated at the table…

While those at the table are enjoying their meals quietly… Just celebrating… I’m looking for things to downgrade…

And I hate this… So much so that I feel sick… I had dreams last night that weren’t kind…

And I honestly just want to live… I just want to do me… To not become concerned and consumed with others…

And so… I believe moving forward.. Moving forward I need to simply keep my mouth closed…

Still… In the Now…

What happens when you look at something and think, “I know in my heart that was supposed to become something more than it is?”…

That’s how I feel right now… And honestly all I can do is stand still and trust… Trust Holy Spirit and believe that if he wants what I’m speaking of to come to fruition… Well it will…

But there’s something about not knowing… That feeling that you aren’t in control… That this isn’t your show… And no matter how hard you might push and pull… Well it’s worth nothing if God and Holy Spirit aren’t behind it all…

And that’s where I find myself… In this place… A place where very, very little is being revealed to be… Or maybe a lot is being revealed to me… But it’s in small bit sized incriments… Which makes me slightly nervous because I can’t see the bigger picture…

But then it’s good because me… With the big picture isn’t good… I get in the way with my thoughts and emotions…

So piece by piece… Piece by piece I will choose to accept what God is allowing Holy Spirit to lay in front of me…

Because… Right now… In this moment… I believe it is the best way for me to move forward…

Quietness for Peace

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It’s a new day…. a new week…. a new month….. a fresh morning…. and I need the ability to walk into my work environment with a quiet mind and soul.

In the midst of all the drama that goes on…. I need to remain drama less…. to let things just roll of my back and move forward…. but, I’m not that good at staying drama free.

I feel like it sticks to me like a magnet and finds me whenever I don’t need it the most…. when I want to just be away from all of it…. all of the gossip and craziness of another’s life….. that stuff seems to follow me everywhere…

And once again this is a challenge….. I believe it’s put in my life….my path…. where I am here and now…. to help me get to where I need to be…. to qualify me for whatever I am chasing after in life… To help me reach my goals and dreams…..

I think so many times in life we want something so much but we are unwilling to work things out in ourselves…. we are unwilling to climb the mountain in front of us so we can be at the top and enjoy the view….. instead, as Americans and a lot of the time we want life handed to us on a silver platter…. for it to be easy….

And it’s not…. Now it can be fun and enjoyable… but getting what we want isn’t always a picnic or a day at the park…. it takes work….

You’d think after last week that I’d be over life…. over having to deal with what’s here and now…. Screw in my tire, new tires and brakes, 62 hours working, exhaustion, the first college football weekend without my dad, and then I have to hear about all of the challenges mom and Bridge have been through…. and it’s exhausting….

But I know deep down within me that these things that seem like a headache…. the things that I’d rather not live with…. well, I need to live with in the moment because they are just another part of life…. another part of the journey up the mountain I’m climbing…. and one day I’ll reach the top…

I also have to remind myself life is so good… I have a job, shelter, food and clothes…. I have people that love me and care about me and individuals who continue to accept who I am even in the midst of me changing and developing and being so far away from home and all that I know….

And then…. then when I see a woman with a grocery basket asking if she can get in the gate at my apartment so she can get food out of the trash…. well then I know deep with in me I have absolutely nothing to complain about at all…. that my life is so good…. that I’m blessed beyond my minds ability to see with the family and life I’ve been born into….

And…. how dare I complain about a flat tire or a dramatic work environment….

Instead… I should be striving with all that is in my to create new healthy habits that display more love and acceptance…. an attitude that doesn’t fuel drama…. because I do…. and attitude that doesn’t fuel gossip and hate either…. because I am equally guilty of that too….

And just maybe…. in the midst of continuing to think about others…. in the midst of loving children and chowing them I care…. maybe I can find it in me to love those that don’t respect anything…. and maybe I can find it within me to keep a quiet mind…. a quiet soul and…. in return a quiet mouth…. to just be….. well at peace.