Spirit

Reflection…

IMG_7450 (1)Sometimes… Sometimes moving forward with life… Moving onward with the present moment… Moving towards greatness… Moving towards your destiny… Well… It comes with a price…

And sometimes that price is sacrifice…

Because no matter how much we might dislike moments of life… Well those moments have made us who we are…

And that’s where I find myself…

Reflecting on moments in the past two years… Moments that weren’t always fun… Moments that weren’t always happy… Moments that caused me to question and wonder… But moments that shaped and molded me into who I’ve become today…

And as I reflect on them… Well I am grateful… I’m grateful for opportunity… Grateful for love… Grateful for the ability to learn and to be taught be those that are younger than me…

Because as this day ends… As we put a cap on the first week of this new year… Well I find myself grateful for every moment of it…

For tearful goodbyes to children I love… And to the excitement of what lies ahead…

For I know and believe it will be great…

Mind · soul

Looking Back…

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You need to write… that’s what he says to me… write… express what you’re thinking… express how you feel about life and the place you are in right now… and honestly… well I don’t know what to say about life… about this year… about all that it has been….
Looking back 2014 has been a year I’ll forever remember… and honestly…. though I’ve experienced a tragedy…. well it’s been a good year…
This time last year I was depressed, disappointed and didn’t know what my life would come too… I honestly didn’t have any idea where I would go next… but I knew I hated where I was… actually… hate might not even be the right word for what I was feeling… I loathed the person I’d become…
And so I wonder to this day if picking up my life and moving it to Cali was the best decision… it sure feels like it… but I have my days… and my insecurities keep me questioning if I’m doing this whole life thing right…
I mean most people I know are married with kids or heading that way… and so comparing myself is an issue…
But in all… I guess this year has taught me that life is pretty amazing… that you don’t need much to live and be happy… that the people in my life… the ones I continue to surround myself with are the ones that matter… and that you can be happy anywhere once you’re happy with yourself…
And I think that’s the biggest thing for me this year… that I’m finally just happy with myself… happy to just be… and to just be me…
I’m happy and at peace… and those are too things I want to maintain in my life… I feel like I should be saying i want to maintain a relationship or the payment on something… but to me… well to me maintaining my happiness and peace are the most important things right now… because I feel like they will certainly help lead me to other things I genuinely want in life…
And these two things cost me so much… but they are good…
And who knows what 2015 will bring…. or what I may loose… 2014 brought death and I lost my father… but it also opened up the opportunity for me to start writing again in the most real way I know how to today….
Of course I’m a little scared… just the thought of entering a new year full of new unknowns… living in a city and state I know I don’t want to stay in forever… and working a job I don’t want forever either… the transition and end of those things do frighten me some and cause me to wonder “what’s next?”….
But at the same time… this all went smoothly… once I finally got on my own path… my own road marked “Amanda’s Journey”… once I got off of everyone else’s and started my own… well it feels like it’s been smooth sailing… even when waves have been rough and i’ve had some raw moments…
And I think because of this…. because I’m finally on the road marked “Amanda Winder”… well I think that means I should continue to move forward… and I should continue to just be me… and i’m honestly so ok with that…
death · soul

Lacking Support

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I’m a little irritated… maybe a little angry…. a little bit disappointed…. and I didn’t really realize it until last night….

Before dad died I forgave him…. the last year of his life…. we didn’t really see eye to eye…. he was trying to support something he didn’t understand… I was frustrated because he didn’t trust me and understand me… I felt like he really didn’t try….

Instead I felt like he was afraid all of the time… afraid and trying his hardest to control my life…. even at 25 dad tried to control my life….

In so many ways I feel bad that I’m angry and disappointed with him…. I feel bad that he’s gone and I still have these feelings… I feel bad that I never felt good enough in the last year of life with him here…

Dad was so focused on money… me making money and when it would come to me… I tried to get him to see the bigger picture… to try and see it from my angle… my point of view… but he never did…

Instead it was a constant struggle from the moment I went to Dallas…. the phone calls… the text messages… the worries I could feel all the way from Shreveport….

And now when I look back I can see that he really was so sick… so so sick and that his worrying and control were out of hand… out of hand to the point that he couldn’t even control them anymore…

But I still feel angry with him… angry that he and mom have always blindly supported my sister… angry that they’ve blindly supported her and whatever she wants in life….

And in the meantime… as I’m trying to figure it out and as I come up with ways to help people… it just never felt like it was enough in dad’s eyes…. he couldn’t blindly believe in me like he did her… And maybe it’s because deep down we all knew I never wanted what I was working for… it wasn’t my passion… it wasn’t me…

It’s different for my sister… art is her passion and she will justly ride that truth the rest of her life… but not me… I don’t know what’s true to me or for me anymore… and so as true as that is… it’s also still true that I’m hurt… hurting…

Hurt because I never got the support I wanted in a time I needed it the most… yes.. I failed… but failing would’ve been so much better if I had had the support of my family…. real mental support like I see everyone give my sister…

But it was never that way… and now… now I sit here with anger, disappointment and I guess a little bit of bitterness… because I’m annoyed that it had to be about money…. I’m annoyed that dad was finally happy for me when I was making the amount of money he thought was good… I’m angry that what I was doing before wasn’t enough… it never seemed like it was enough… ever…

And this anger inside of me… this feeling like I was robbed of the genuine support and faith that I needed in a time when I was trying something on my own.. well… it will go away… but it will always be a part of my story… and I don’t like that at all… I just wish I could confidently say dad supported me and blindly believed in me when I needed him the most…

But he didn’t… so I’m left here… I’m left with this…. this is where he left me… and I suppose making the best of it…. forgiveness and acceptance of it all is where I should go next… because at the end of the day… well… it’s stupid to be angry with someone… especially someone that’s dead… because that won’t help me move forward at all…

So I guess I’ll forgive him and hope that whatever I move on and into next… that he’s supporting me… I mean truly supporting me from some place far away…