She Can’t Be Moved

Everything with God feels like a challenge lately. Every part of following His plan for my life continues to come with unscalable walls that I can’t seem to bust through without His help.

And the past two weeks… The past two weeks have had my spirit and soul deeply wondering what I’m truly doing and what’s next.

I also knew I needed to break through something. And… He did tell me a breakthrough was coming; however, I didn’t understand what it was or what would bring it.

And then in the middle of my Monday it appeared. This heavy conversation tried to tear at my heart and soul apart… It tried its hardest to make me feel like I made a mistake, but it was unable to actually succeed.

Instead I found myself resting on truth. I found myself holding onto the reality that God is the only true love I will ever need. Nothing and no one can fill me up like He can. I will only find wholeness and completeness in Him.

And for so long I’ve wanted to believe the opposite is true. I’ve wanted to fill my life with someone that would solve my problem of feeling alone… I’ve wanted someone to just take care of me.

But then how can broken people actually make broken people whole and complete? They cannot. Only a whole and complete God can.

And so… Despite the pain and insecurity that tried their hardest to tear my heart apart, I’m happy to report that I’m standing firm on the only structure and source I know will always keep me safe, protected and truly loved.

Authentic Identity…

Identity… It’s been like a foreign language to me… I was basically getting by in life because I trusted that those around me would translate what I heard but didn’t understand… Because, with their translations, then I’d feel stable and safe… And who actually cares if what they told me was true?… I mean, I trust those people, places and things… It’s where I was placing my confidence, security and identity…

For many of us, I believe, identity is like a foreign language…

We are in this great, big world searching for meaning, significance and purpose… And most of the time we choose to place our significance in the tangiblableness of life… The relationships, homes and institutes we are certain will always be there… Because they have simply always been there…

And we trust them so much, that we allow them to define who we are, what we do and what we will do one day… Never truly thinking, “what if they collapse?.. what if they fail me?”…

So then when a loved one dies, when we loose our job or when a relationship ends… Well, we don’t have a clue who we are anymore… It’s almost like we look around to listen for familiarity… For the things we are certain will keep us grounded and remind us “it will be alright”… But then we don’t understand what we hear anymore… Nothing makes sense… And so, we feel lost and confused, uncertain of who we are and what we are doing…

I feel like the questioning of “who am I/what am I doing?” has been a constant in my life… But it truly became a reality when I moved to Cali almost 3 years ago… And then it increased when my dad died unexpectedly…

Of course 2016 has truly been a year of it’s own… In January, God told me to leave my job without telling me where my next source of income would be… He basically put me on a “bread crumb” trail that’s led me to this moment (which hasn’t always been fun)… And then my grandparents (whom I’ve always relied on to be there) went into a nursing home, and their 40 year old ministry was closed… Then my mom put our families house on the market, which is so much closure concerning dad… Plus my closest aunt died unexpectedly, causing my mom to become even more depressed and afraid…

And so, in the midst of the instability of life, I’ve begun to realize I can’t really rely on people, places and things to keep me stable and safe anymore… Because they are as unstable as I am… Here one moment, gone the next…

Now, I’m going to be honest… All of the uncertainty has caused me to be a teary-eyed mess at times… To be a little mean and feel a lot of insecurity… Because each time something I believed provided stability has been shaken loose from my foundation, I’ve looked around for something, anything to cling onto…

And it was a learning curve at first, but I believe I’ve actually discovered what I can always rely on… The one source of life that reminds me who I am and gives me confidence to know whatever happens, it will be ok because He will always be who He is…

And I’ve heard it hundreds of thousands of times in church, but no one ever actually taught me what it means to have security in God… To find my identity in Him… I can say it all day long, but it wasn’t until the things I’ve always relied on in life failed me that I experienced this security, confidence and identity…

And too me, well it’s more than just God… Because He is so vast, so complex, so memorizingly authentic at His core… Because identity has so many parts that make it what it is… So having my identity in God means I am drawing my confidence and security from His love, His peace, His patience, His perseverance… From the attributes that make Him who He is… They are actually making me who I am…

Plus, the amazing thing about authentic identity… It’s universal and eternal… I’m learning that it can’t be moved, shaken or destroyed… Because once we grasp it’s authenticity at it’s core, we can be certain we will always be secure and safe… Even when life takes an unexpected turn…

Unshaken Identity…

Identity… It seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life lately…

Who am I?… Where is my foundation rooted?… Why is it rooted there?… Are the things which it’s rooted in eternally stable and firm?

I feel as though this entire year should be themed “shaken”… Because I feel like God keeps allowing my life, my very foundation to be shaken at its core…

And it’s not enough to lay in bed at night and feel the shaking my soul is experiencing…

Because I feel like each month has presented me with a reality that reveals my identity has been held within people, places, things… Parents, grandparents, homes, cities, ministries…

My security has been trapped in too many tangible things…

And in the midst I feel so selfish… So self-absorbed… Because, in some ways, well I want to hold-on to the tangible, to what I’ve always known… Because those things have always been there to keep me safe… To protect me…

Or at least I think they have…

So then… Then how do I take all of this… The places my soul feels like it’s journeyed to while being shaken… How do I take all of this and stand with a firm, unshaken identity?…

Because, as the shaking has occurred… Well, it’s revealed God on an entirely different level to me… His compassion, His selflessness, His love, His peace and His joy… They’ve all been there waiting… As each tangible player in my foundation has been shaken loose… God has revealed Himself to me in another way…

And I seem to realize… Identity…. I believe it’s universal… That we are all universally searching for intangible, eternal truth about who we are at our core…

Yes, we are all different… But, deep within, I believe we are created to connect to essential truths that make God who He is… And to allow those truths to become the key components of our foundation… Of our identity…

Because with them… With those intangible pieces and parts, well I believe we are made completely confident and secure…

And then, when tragedy, confusion and life become a reality… Well we are left in a secure place… Confidently knowing, deep within, that our core is solid and whole… That it is completely and wonderfully unshaken…

Steady, Secure and Uncertain

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/781/13106950/files/2015/01/img_2318.pngI feel so uncertain of life… Not knowingness what my next move will be or where life will take me next… And I don’t feel secure in anything more than myself right now…

Because I know I don’t want to nanny forever… And I don’t want to live in Cali forever… But it’s where I am right now… And so living from the now is so important…

But I realized something today… Something that has become so much more true with in the last year….

And that’s that no ones life and future are certain… So many of us live these lives that seem to be so concrete… Like we have the idea that this is how life will go and it won’t change without me planning the change…

And it’s so much easier to welcome change when we’ve planned it… But when it’s unplanned… When suddenly something happens in life we didn’t see coming… Something that truly rocks our foundation at its very core… Well then… Then all of a sudden life is uncertain…

And in saying this I’ve realized that life was uncertain before my dad died… I just didn’t realize it… It was also uncertain before I moved and before I the job I have now… I just didn’t live with an uncertain mindset… A mindset that says “life can change at any moment.. And I’m just here to enjoy and ride it out the best way possible”…

So I’m a way it’s comforting to think everything around me is uncertain… Constantly in a state of movement and changing daily….

And I think it encourages me to continue to be like the nature I see around me… Because nature sees a lot of uncertainly… But the flowers still bloom in the Spring and the leaves still fall in the Fall… They are confident and secure in themselves enough to do what they were created to do… Regardless of what goes on around them…

And I think I should continue to watch nature… And be in awe of what I see and how truly fascinating it is to just live and be with the changes that go on around…

And for me… Today… As I head back to Cali… With a heavy heart…. But a light mind… Well I’m just going to continue to stay steady, secure and so uncertain…