Spirit

Continuing to Become Self…

Some moments in life ask more than I thought they would…

It’s almost like everything is moving a long at this amazing pace… I’m over here living in the moment of life…

And then… Well… Well God asks me to do something… And of course I say, “yes”… I reply with an, “yeah, I can do that”…

But little do I know the curve ball that actually comes win acceptance… Because now I find myself in a place of insecurity… A place where I’m once again being asked to allow something to help define me…

Becoming self is such a process… And honestly… Well I believe very few are themselves… Because I continue to learn that being self requires sacrifice… It means putting to the side what you think is right… And then going with what feels right… What feels effortless…

And for me… Well I feel insecure with the unknown… The unknown that will lead me to the next place in my life…

But deep down I feel like this is the best choice for me to make… And with the choice comes more for me to juggle… And while I don’t mind juggling… I am afraid that I’ll get caught up in the juggling and miss out on something…

And deep down I know that’s just my lack of confidence in myself… My lack of not believing in me…

So… In this moment.. Like the other moments of insecurity and non belief… Well I’m just choosing to move forward and do what I’ve been asked to do…

death · grief · vulnerability

Comfort in Finding Self

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In death I’m learning that we’re all supposed to keep living…. keep living and moving forward and pursuing whatever it is we truly want in life.

Last night I was trying to download a program to save voicemails from my phone…. and as I was doing it, I found all of my text messages that have been backed up over the years.

So I began to read the stream with my dad…. and they went all the way back to 2009.

Reading them made it feel like he was here…. and I honestly began to realize that I talked to my dad much more than I ever realized.

So many conversations were about my growth, how much he missed me and of course football.

Reading about my growth…. how much I wanted to continue to move forward…. how much I wanted to continue writing when I was 20….. and how much I enjoyed change and becoming better, well it helped me remember to not get comfortable where I am right now.

In so many ways I get comfortable in my own comfort zones…. I’ll step out, try something new… realize I like it… only to find myself comfortable in that place…. comfortable and not wanting to move again….

Sometimes I think it’s in our nature to stay where we are for fear of the unknown or fear of a new challenge…. When we are comfortable, we’ve kind of chosen to settle…. but how will we ever continue to grow if we remain comfortable?

Within these thoughts…. I also had thoughts the night before that helped me realize that I’ve grown up since moving to the west coast…. I’m also seeing myself become well myself….. I think too often that we don’t become us…. who we are truly meant to be because of fear.

Fear of leaving the place we are in now…. and fear of just begin us… but I think the true Amanda lies inside of me…. for so long, I’ve tried to find me on the outside… I’ve tried to put things in my life and take things away…. I’ve added religion, information, friendships…. I’ve taken away anger, hate, shame and people…. But I’ve learned that those things didn’t really help me find myself….

I might have been buried beneath the things that I took away…. and I might have helped myself come forth with the things I added…. but searching for me has always been a useless search…. because I’ve been hear all a long.

I also looked at myself the other night and thought, “huh, I’m not what I see in the mirror. I’m not this body. I’m what’s inside of this body.” Basically, I saw it as I was placed inside of this thing called a body to help me accomplish purpose…. to live and to love… to experience this thing called life and earth.

Almost like we are all this little spec of dust…. placed in flesh…. with a computer like mind that helps us consciously process the things around us.

And before…. if I hadn’t been used to changing…. and realizing that I can’t get comfortable… well those thoughts would’ve made me very uncomfortable… and I probably would’ve dismissed them and backed them up with my religion….

But now…. well I accept them… because I believe that in finding myself…. who I really am…. well it causes me to have thoughts like this…. because if I really am this soul, this spec of dust, this here one minute/gone the next thing…. well then it means I need to acknowledge that…. to become comfortable with it and move forward.

And I’m ok with that…. I’m ok with living in the now and having life sneak up on me with a new change…. a new way to throw me out of my comfort zone and into chaos for a little while whenever it wants.

death · grief · soul

Fitting in With Self

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Life’s situations have a funny way of leading us to what we love…. of course that’s only if we’re open enough to let them.

In the midst of having a breakdown that led me to a breakthrough yesterday, I realized that I was depressed because I’m ready to leave. I’m actually not depressed with dad’s death, but with the idea that life is moving on without me and I’m sitting here in Shreveport.

Don’t get me wrong…. Shreveport is home and it will always be that… at least I think it will….. but I’m tired of being here and I can’t wait for Tuesday to be here so I can drive 30 hours back to Cali.

This past week I’ve been doing what I shouldn’t do, which is living in Cali from my mind…. and that hasn’t done much good. It’s just made me depressed and very irritated and a little bit mean to those I love.

So… now that I know why I feel depressed…. I think it’s important for me to recognize that I’m growing. I’m ready to move forward with whatever life decides to serve up next.

And… yes, I am scared of what life will serve next because it could be absolutely anything. Plus, I don’t know what I want in life at all. I do know certain things, but overall…. I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.

And where do we even get that phrase from anyway? Why do we all feel so much pressure to have answers to life… and a few plans if those answers don’t play out correctly? And why is there so much want to conform to a society that doesn’t even promise happiness anymore?

Sometimes… and I really should do it more often… but sometimes I’m grateful that I’m not married with kids because if I was, I’d probably miserable. I’d probably be annoyed with the fact that any money I have has to go towards bills and feeding children. And I’d be even more annoyed with the fact that my time would be consumed with fitting the social norms of business parties, kid parties and daily chores.

And don’t get me wrong, I want marriage and a family…. but I think I’m learning when I do have those things… well, fitting the social norm may not be what I want.

Because I’m so tried of the guidelines we’ve created and continue to follow. I’m so tired of thinking, “Another wedding. Another time to celebrate. Another time for my friends to throw a big, expensive party for their friends.” Because that’s genuinely what a wedding has become. It’s not so much about marriage anymore. It’s more about outdoing everyone else.

I mean, I hear more about weddings than marriage… and honestly, I’ve been subconsciously taught more about weddings than marriage. Funny that I’m so educated and well-versed on a subject that will last a day, but not on something that’s meant to last me until the day I die.

And I’m not in any way trying to bash weddings… I’m more or less giving my opinion… the way I see life through the pair of eyes I’ve been given.

And…. when I do get married one day, I might have a giant party for my peers. But right now, well right now that’s not what I want but people change…. and parties are fun. And I do like to be the center of attention when I can be.

But since weddings have caused me to think about society’s picture for humanity…. I think it’s best to take these thoughts and channel them towards life after the breakthrough I had last night.

So…. what if my life continues to play out differently than I ever imagined? And how will I continue to avoid all of these things we are supposed to check off life’s to do list? Also, is it more of a headache to try to not conform? I mean, we’ve made it pretty easy to conform today… all we have to do is have some type of electronic device in our hand and conversion should be pretty complete.

Then again, I guess I could just follow the man that helped create me. He never really cared too much about fitting in. Dad was more a “come as you are” kind of guy. He really didn’t care. He was going to live life comfortably without being comfortable. Basically…. he was comfortable in his own skin, but he was willing to try new things.

And I guess…. once again… I should strive to be a little bit more like my dad, fitting in with myself first and then letting the rest fall into place.