The Most Accurate

Truth be told I’m not the best at being selfless… If I hadn’t moved home 2 1/2 years ago to help my mom move forward in life, I don’t think I’d be able to be in this moment right now… A moment where I’ve been able to totally lay down everything I want in life to help manage my sister’s art as she follows her dreams in New York City.

And I know this chapter won’t last forever, but lately I’ve found myself wanting to be selfish. A moment happened the other day that forced me to say, “There’s no ‘ME’ involved anymore. Where I am is a result of following the Holy Spirit’s lead, and so a life of selflessness is what’s been cultivated in my heart.”

You see I’ve come to learn and truly believe that selflessness is the most accurate measure of loving someone. Because when we can let go and lay down all of our self to be there for another, well it kind of kills off our ego, pride, envy, jealousy, anger, bitterness and hatred. Selflessness can’t coexist with any of those things because real, true love can’t coexist with any of those things.

And I don’t know if I’m making sense… And I also don’t know what will come from my choices over the past 2 1/2 years, but I truly hope that following Him has led me into a lifestyle that makes helping others cultivate life that much simpler.

🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive

Selfless Madness

I’m convinced the most challenging part of being selfless is the reality that you gain virtually nothing from it. Sure there’s some type of intangible lesson learned… But as far as tangible gain, it’s not there.

And that’s where I am right now… Wrestling with God over this idea… Over this lifestyle of being selfless. He told me He’d bring me to this place, a place where I’d be left with nothing more than Him and His wants and needs for my life and others… And so, here I am.

However, He didn’t tell me what came after this place of selflessness. He didn’t tell me I’d have to pitch a tent and live here and that my soul would constantly feel at war. He didn’t tell me that I’d have to grow and adapt and fully embrace every inch of this. He didn’t tell me it would seem confusing, or that I would be frustrated with my reality.

Instead… He just made selflessness sound so good and appealing. He sold me the idea because He knew I’d follow through like I always do.

And so this morning I sat and said, “But what about me?! Don’t I get some kind of something? A reward? Anything?” He said, “No… That’s the point. There’s no reward to being selfless. You have no personal gain. You’re doing this for the gain of others and my Kingdom. It’s not about you. It’s about Me.”

And so… As angry as I wanted to be with Him… I picked myself up and just embraced what He said. I mean He was and always is telling the truth.

And as seemingly frustrated as I feel about where God continues to lead me as I follow, I’m convinced that there has to be some kind of method and outcome to His madness. There just has to be.🌸🌱 #cultivatelife

Place Holder

Living in NY and working for your sister has its benefits… Like sitting on a trash bag in the rain at 6am while your sister sits across the street from you doing the same. Why were we sitting on trash bags in the rain at 6am?! Because two auditions were being held that day, and Bridget wanted to be seen at both of them! So… of course we have to get up early and wait in line, no matter the weather condition.

Now if you knew me 6 months to a year ago I would’ve complained the entire time and the night leading up to it all; however, God has drastically changed my heart… So I waited with a selfless/grateful heart!

And as I waited (number 34 in a line of at least 100+), I watched my sister stand at the head of her line on the other side… And that’s when revelation began to pour into my mind.

My entire life I’ve been told Jesus was selfless enough to take on all of my problems and pain in life so I could stand in the presence of God. And though I mindlessly believed it all because that’s how I was raised, my heart didn’t grasp any of it.

Well that all changed as I sat in the rain on a trash bag.

You see the path I’m on with God right now has continuously asked me to have a very humble, selfless heart… One that thinks of others before myself. So for the first time in my life I’m beginning to actually see what it might’ve been like for Christ to do something so amazing for us… So that we can live healthy, free lives: spirit, soul and body.

And let me tell you, watching my sister from across the street was really, really exciting. She was at the head of her line, promised a place in the audition room because I was willing to wait and be her place holder in the other line.

And did it pay off? Yeah… it did. She was seen at both auditions, and called back for the line she waited in.

And I guess what I’m trying to say is this… I am just so grateful to have a relationship with the God that continues to make me well from the inside out…  And it’s all because Jesus was selfless enough to stand in line for me. 💃🏻🙌🏻 #cultivatelife

Selfless Solution…

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Image, 2014

Selflessness… It’s a place of pure heart and soul… It’s not a boastful place… It’s not a jealous, angry or bitter place… It’s not a place where pride, lust or envy can stand… Selflessness is a very protected place… It’s found straight within the heart of Father God… And it’s an attribute that is completely innate to His character… His love… His very being is selfless…

And I don’t mean the selfless heart of a parent who sets Himself aside to care for His child who needs Him… I mean a type of selflessness that doesn’t allow anyone to feel inferior to another…

Because I’m coming to a place… A very distinct place in my heart… One that’s causing me to look at what we (as humans) are creating in our social worlds… And I can’t say hate is the word… Because the word I have is far different than that… I basically feel broken on the inside…

Because I believe real selflessness is the ability to look around and see how much we are destroying one another in our world… To see it and to stop… Because where is our vulnerability, our reality, our realness and our truth?…

My sister, whom many believe is making “bank” on artwork, isn’t… She’s living with me in expensive L.A… In a one-bedroom apartment… Her room and art studio is our living room… And she usually makes just enough to pay for rent, bills and food… And sometimes mom helps out… That’s what no one sees….

Me, I left my job… Yeah, the really cool, fabulous, celebrity-driven one… I left that one in February… Not knowing what was next, but knowing in my heart it was time to go… That that chapter of my life was over… And I’ve been living off of savings since.. And it hasn’t been fun all the time… Sure, there are moments when I think, “Gah, this is a great adventure,” but a lot of the time I find myself thinking, “what the heck am I doing?!”…

And I talk to my friends… They’re spread all over the world… Truly… And guess what… From marriage, to death, to divorce, to college and babies… They’re going through ups and downs too…

But then we’ve helped create and encourage this place… Our social world… A place where we give others a false image of what we want them to see us doing… Because then we believe we’ll feel better for the areas where we don’t feel like we’re adding up… Yeah, we might call it “being creative”… Or, as the kids say, “it’s all about the Instagram flow”…

But I honestly believe it’s one of the most selfish thing we can do…

To cause someone else to feel insecure and inferior about how his or her life isn’t adding up and fitting the social norms of life…

Why aren’t we breeding confidence and security in one another?… Why aren’t we talking about the reality and struggle it’s been to get from point A to point B… Yeah, sure I traveled the world last year for “free,” but did anyone see what it took for me to get there?… No one really knows how long it took for me to grow close to this family… I’m gonna be honest, it was a bitch… An uncomfortable one, that required patience and a total heart change on my end…

So as I sit here, I continue to wonder… How much longer is this going to go on?… How much longer are we going to be selfish and cause those next to us to feel less than they are?… And I get it.. We can’t make anyone feel anyway… But that’s just it… Through our images of life, we are… Our inability to be vulnerable and authentic is breeding and multiplying so many insecurities… Just look at most teen girls.. They wear enough makeup to be the lead in a Broadway production… It’s not pretty… It’s just sad… And no one is giving them a more powerful alternative…

So… I believe we need to come together and be a selfless solution, not a selfish problem…