Unwanted Soul…

There’s something incrediblely fascinating to me about feeling alone…

I think it’s the reality that sometimes our experiences cause us to feel separated from others… Like we don’t belong because life happened and now we feel less than unwanted and undesirable…

Like we have to put up a shield of protection every time we enter a room… Because, if people see how alone we feel, well we’ll be judged and marked as a flawed person…

So, rather than show people how alone we feel, we do things to cover that pain… We turn to things that cause death and destruction in our lives… And those substances, they produce more darkness, more pain and more trouble for us…

For years I turned to food… Because food gave me a sense of being wanted… I felt comforted to a degree…
And I thought once I began to eat healthy and exercise some of this feeling of being alone would fall away… That I would lose weight, become more attractive and then the sense of feeling alone would leave…

But it didn’t…

It only got worse…

And from that spiraled the addiction I had to sugar… And that addiction made me feel out of control… Out of sorts… Even more flawed, undesirable and unwanted…

And the aloneness I felt increased and multiplied…

I was driving myself, my family and close friends crazy… Because I constantly obsessed about not being able to conquer this addiction to sugar…

Of course I left out the feelings I had of being alone… It was unimportant to share all of that in detail…

I mean, who really wants to say, “I feel alone! I constantly feel alone and unwanted at my core… and it’s killing me!!!”

But that’s how I felt… That’s how I felt for years…

And the truth is, it’s no ones fault… It’s not my parents, grandparents, friends or sisters fault…

No one is to blame…

We live in a flawed world…

Seeking acceptance, that I believe, can only truly come from one source…

And I’ve said it before, but I believed that souce is Father God… He is the only source I can go to and feel whole and complete…

And, when I spend enough time in His presence… I can then live my day with a loved, wanted and accepted feeling…

Because the inside of me no longer feels the need to be intangibly loved by my family, friends and peers…

The love I am receiving goes beyond what they can provide for my soul… And so I feel good… I no longer need an addiction to cause me to “feel” better… I just need the love flowing from His heart, and His heart alone…

So if you’re going through a hard time… If you feel alone, unwanted, undesirable and out of control with an addiction… Please be encouraged to know, Father God and His love are the power that will bring you out and away from what you’re experiencing…

Because everything else, our relationships with people, our things, what we do, say and think… To me they are a facade… Seeming to make us feel loved, accepted and wanted… But intangibly, in the depth of our soul, never actually giving us what we truly need… Which is just basic love from and connection to Father God…

Quality of Life…

The day after my grandmother died, a comment was made to my sister… “Well, you know Bridget, it’s really about the quality of life”…

If you knew my grandmother’s story, you know that she was healed 41 years ago in August… But before that day, her quality of life wasn’t that great… In a body cast and neck brace for 19 ½ years, she just wanted to die… Simple… Right?…

But that night, well her quality of life, it increased…

Because she was given a completely restored body…

Some say, her healing was the greatest healing of the 20th century…. And I don’t disagree…

But aside from her physical healing was what she intangibly gained that night…

To me… Physical healing is kind of a smoke and mirrors show… Like God’s way of getting our attention… So that then we can learn what’s truly invaluable and important…

So, she spent her life focused on the Holy Spirit… Focused on how His influence and individual, intimate relationship in each of our lives brings on a greater quality of life… And how, because of the grace of God through Jesus, well we can all gain that relationship… We can all walk with Him on a day-to-day basis…

I believe, so often, we are drawn to God because of a message on eternity, Heaven, life after death…

But what about life on earth?…

My grandmother lived for 89 years…

Was she healthy?… Was she whole?… What does that even mean?…

To me, to me it means that our spirit, soul and body are in health… Of course we aren’t going to be perfect… No one is… But we can keep them balanced…

So, do we have a relationship with Father God?… What about the Holy Spirit?… And do we know who’s blood is responsible for our ability to have these relationships so freely?…

And what about an identity?… Before this year, well my identity was founded in people, places, things, ministries, organizations… Things that can and have failed me… Things that are fragile, here one moment and gone the next…

So, are we firmly rooted in the things of God, so that when tragedy hits we will not be shaken or moved?…

And what about our thought lives?… Our emotions?… Do we try to stay positive under pressure?… Or do we crack and become a sea of emotion?…

And then there’s our physical body… The vehicle or vessel we live in?… How do we treat it?… Do we eat really unhealthy?… Or do we fill it with things that encourage our spirit and soul to perform better?…

I say all of this because to me… To me, this is life in a nutshell… Because health, spirit, soul and body, is the foundation of life… So that we can pursue what God has given us to it’s very fullest…

And it’s not always easy… Sometimes life happens and we get bitter and angry… Sometimes we think about things that we shouldn’t… Sometimes we eat the whole bag of cookies…

But the reality is, I believe, God is about our quality of life… And that He sent Jesus so that we could have that quality of life… And then He sent the Holy Spirit to help us maintain the quality, and then increase life beyond our wildest dreams…

Of course it doesn’t happen over night… It takes time and effort… Because… Well… Life is a journey… A process… A continual climbing of mountains and walks through valleys, with a lot of highs and lows…

But… The good news is, we all have the capability to cultivate the best quality of life possible…

Curve Ball…

When we live… When we just live… Moment by moment… A lot of times curve balls come out of nowhere… Or so it seems…

And right now… Well a curve ball that seems to be the size of a house just came flying into my life…

And maybe it was there all along… Maybe it was always meant to happen…

But regardless… Well I feel all sorts of ways… And in the midst of feeling all sorts of ways, I find myself protecting my emotions… Keeping them on lock down…

And it’s simply out of fear… Fear of failure… Fear of shame and embarrassment… And of course lack of control…

But I guess that means it’s time to grow… It’s time to learn… It’s time to be the woman I’ve been working so hard to become…

And when I think in that way… Well that’s when the Holy Spirit reminds me… He reminds me that the things I am afraid of are dead… That they’ve died off in the last two years… And that I’ve become stronger and more qualified…

He’s reminding me and speaking truth into my life… Saying if I’ll just be the woman I’ve been for the last 6 months… Well then I’ll be fine… Because that woman… The woman that I’ve become… She looks nothing like that girl that was afraid and ashamed two years ago…

And with that truth… Well I have the option to just believe… To just have faith… To just live… Because just living has helped me get this far…

The Follow…

The follow… It’s my life… It’s my choice… It’s who I am… The woman I continue to become is based around the follow… Not God… Not Jesus… But Holy Spirit…

And it’s the most amazing and beautiful life ever… To be able to know when following Holy Spirit I can’t go wrong…

And it’s for sure a growing process… One that stretches me… Pulls at me… My heart, my thoughts, my emotions…

But, to me, it’s the greatest way to live… And I honestly hope to be able to give… To give this gift… A gift that was greatly given to me… I hope to give him to others…

Because at the end of the day… Well, I believe, life with Holy Spirit is the secret to life…

Under the Tent…

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I was raised under a tent… A tent that brings life… A tent that brings comfort… A tent that showed me who my best friend would be for the rest of my life and how he would never leave me… And I would never leave him…

The tent I am referring to is one that contained and still contains the spirit of the most high God…

As children, we don’t always necessarily understand the environment we’re raised in… Because, to us… Well it’s all we know…

And for years I listened… I watched… I knew the Spirit of God was a he and not an it… For to call him an it means “you don’t know him”….

And then there were the years… Few… But impactful… That I spited and loathed the environment that poured and produced religion in my life and the lives of others…

But as all should, I’ve matured… And now I stand at a place where I feel overwhelmingly grateful for the tent I was raised in… Because… Again… It’s all my foundation knows it needs to make it firm and complete…

And now… Now more than ever… I feel encouraged to share what I learned under this tent…

It taught me that it’s not Jesus that lives in my heart… It’s the Spirit of God…. He’s the one that dwells inside of me… That speaks to me… That gives me power to pair with the authority given through the blood of Jesus…

And he’s so tired… Irritated because he’s been forgotten… Frustrated because he’s been mistaken and overlooked… Because it’s his will to lead and direct us in life… Not Jesus and not God… But the Holy Spirit…

So why?… Why do we choose to overlook him so?… Why can’t we simply put down our religion and listen?… Listen to what he gives us everyday…. Because he… He is as real as anything I’ve ever known… And he’s never steered me wrong… Even when I think “this was a mistake”… He’s always been there saying “just trust me”…

So… Today… I hope… I hope all begin to recognize him in his fullness… For he is about to be unleashed from the tent I was raised in… And he’s about to show himself in a powerful way…

And as all best friends should do… I feel grateful and blessed enough to encourage and help him make his works a reality…

God

2015/01/img_2324.jpgOver the years my relationship with God has changed… It’s evolved so very much…

When I was a kid… Well he was the one all the adults around me talked about… The one I’d hear it was important to have a relationship with… And my grandmother taught me so much about the Spirit of God and how he was the one I should cultivate a very personal and intimate relationship with…

As I grew up… Well God became more of something instead of a someone… I learned more and more about him through people than for myself… At school, in church, at Bible Studies… It was my responsibility to have a relationship I knew… But everyone kept telling me what theirs was like so I watched as listen… Never truly trying to cultivate a relationship with him… Because I thought I knew… I thought I had all the answers…

Then when I turned 17 I began to hear the voice of God for the first time… And I realized how prideful I was in thinking I had so many answers… That I knew the personality of God, when all I truly knew was based on other experiences….

So I started cultivating my own relationship with him… Unfortunately I will still listening to those around me too much… It was still more about what I thought I knew versus what was real…

So not until I turned 21 did I truly begin to cultivate a relationship with him… And for the next 4-5 years I would stay on this amazing journey… Learning about God in ways of never thought about him before… And he’d speak to me and tell me things in the realist way I knew…

And I enjoyed that relationship so much… I learned for myself that I strongly disliked the church for what it had taught me about God… And that I strongly disliked the school I grew up in for the same reasons… And then I found myself strongly disliking my grandmother and her ministry too…

Of course I’ve had to come full-circle with all of it… Realizing that I was gaining something of my own… Not something that was someone else’s… Not something that was borrowed and then passed out and expected to be believed by everyone… But a relationship that truly belonged to me…

And then came the time that I realized that I wanted to study Jewish teachings and learn more principles about the way God designed the earth… And those things were and still are cool and so real to me…

And as I did that my relationship with him changed even more because I grew more annoyed by what I was being told versus what I knew God was directly saying to me…

In a way I can compare my relationship with God like the one I experience at work… I feel like God’s a celebrity… He’s printed about in the tabloids and everyone thinks they know him and who he is and what he stands for and does… But those that truly know him… The ones that talk to him on a daily basis like I do with my boss… Well they know for a fact that God is who they experience on a moment by moment basis…

So now… Now I’ve come this far… And being out here in Cali… Well I’m disconnected from the religion I was raised in… Meaning… I’m alone… And nothing is really familiar… So I’ve tried to connect myself to what I knew… To jump into a church… Something familiar…

And you know what I’ve learned… Well I’ve learned that my relationship with God is changing… It’s still not what I hear the preacher preach about… And honestly I still find myself annoyed with church as a whole…

I don’t read my Bible… I haven’t read my Bible in years… I don’t find anything really intriguing and interesting… Maybe it’s because of the years it was crammed down my throat through a Christian upbringing, Christian school and the Bible college…

It’s just not for me…

But you know where I do find God?… Where I feel like our relationship is at its realist?… Where I am at my realist right now?…

It’s in my drive to work… Or my drive anywhere for that matter… Of course I can always talk to him… But my relationship with him has changed because I’ve changed… I’ve changed through what I see… And what I see on a daily basis is so spectacular… The mountains… The hills… The trees… The sunsets… The 24/7 greenery…. The colors of a flower blooming year round…

God stopped becoming what’s in a book and what other people were telling me… He stopped becoming what he told me he was and what I assumed he’d always be… He became something more when he showed me the simplicity of his creation… When he opened an opportunity for me to move to Cali and stand in awe of his creation… Well that’s when it got real…

And even more than that… It became so much more real when I got this job and became a kind of mother to three kids… Because I’ve learned so many principles from them… And I stand in awe of the way love can overpower anger, hate and jealousy in a child and home… As long as I stay patient and willing…

So too me… Right now… Within my relationship with God… Well, I thought it was real before… But as I continue to live… Well I realized it’s so much more… And it’s truly alive now… More than ever before…

Because it’s no longer him talking to me while I sit behind a computer and piece information together… It’s no longer laying in bed at night and talking to him… It’s no longer the long walks to class I used to have in college… And it’s definitely not what everyone else is saying…

Because for the first time it’s a realness through what I see… And through what I experience through helping children learn and grow… It’s so real… It’s so much God that God isn’t even mentioned within it… I just know he’s there and I thank him for it…

And if being in awe is what this relationship is right now… If it’s what’s keeping me full on a constant basis… Well then I’m ok with that… Because I honestly don’t want to read another scripture or hear another message… I’m ok with just where I am…

And the best part is… It’s mine… It’s my relationship… Based on where I am in life… Standing in awe constantly… And I’m so ok with that…