Just Walk…

img_4301If someone asked me “Amanda, what’s the biggest thing you struggle with today?”…

I’d have to say my pace…

Most of the time, my days and weeks are inconsistent… I jump all over the place, meaning my soul is never consistently following the Holy Spirit’s flow… He’s moving right a long at His chosen pace, but then I’m jumping from one task to the next… And I become overwhelmed with not being able to keep up, which leads me to feel overworked and frustrated…

Plus, the constant pace of the tangible is very overwhelming to me… “Hustling” has become the way of life for so many people… And, if you’re like me, choosing not to hustle might place you in the “lazy” category… Or worse, it might cause people to think, “she doesn’t want this bad enough”…

And this is why, I believe, we are created to be consistent on the inside… That God has asked us to walk… Not to sprint… Not to run… And not to hustle… To do what’s simple… Just walk…

Funny thing, walking is when I feel consistent… It’s when I feel balanced… It’s when I feel healthy and whole from the inside out…

So, as the week continues to move… I ask you to join me, as I choose to just walk through life… Because walking is so much more beneficial to us than running or hustling… Because, when we walk, we can actually see life… We allow ourselves to stop and talk to people… To consider what might be dying or growing on the inside of us… And most importantly, to give us the opportunity to be grateful for the fact that we are alive…

To Rest Means to Sort…

For the last two years my mind, will and emotions have been wrapped up in my job…

So choosing to follow the Holy Spirits lead and “just rest”… Well it sounds simple, but then I have to step back and realize it requires one word… “No”…

Because saying “no” means I have to disconnect myself from things that might still be job related… I have to say “no” to phone calls, messages and sometimes… Well things I might really want to do…

But then… Then I have to say “yes” too… I find myself saying “yes” to being still… “Yes” to not having anything to do… And “yes” to complete silence…

Because rest doesn’t mean more sleep… Sure, I might get more sleep, and that’s fine…

But really rest is unplugging my mind, will and emotions from the environment I was in for two years…

And in most cases that means I have to believe God will handle what I have chosen to walk away from… That He will place individuals in the lives of those that I care so much about… That I poured so much time and live in to…

And yes… Yes that is a little scary for me… Because I love to be a part…

And that’s what I believe I am learning this moment… That resting means disconnecting…

Disconnecting myself from the things that have held my attention for so long… Pulling the plug and focusing myself on what I’ve learned… What I’ve truly gained out of the last two years…

Because in this time… Well I’m realizing I picked up things that I don’t need… I picked up stones that looked like pearls… And I need to weed through and toss those stones on the ground…

But I’ve also picked up pearls that I need to move forward…

So today… Within this week… That’s where I find myself… Tossing out the stones… The things I want to be pearls, but will never be… That’s not their destiny…

And then polishing and cleaning up the pearls I do have…

So that I can learn how to move forward and just live an even fuller life…

Learning to Rest…

Rest is a word I’ve never been too fond of making friends with… I mean come on, we live in 2016…. Most see it as “keep doing and doing and doing until you’re dead”…
Or, as it was put to me, “sleep when you die”…

But lately, well I’ve been learning that life without rest… Well it happens to be a mindset of the world…

And, as a child of God, I live in the world… But I’m not living of it and it’s systems and principles…

So this idea… This truth about resting… Well it requires me to shut off and out so much of what’s been a part of my life for 2 years…

It’s requiring me to slow down… To question… To ask myself again, “what do you want and why do you want it?”…

Rest in God is almost asking me to examine where I am, where I am going, and if it’s truly what I want…

And for so many reasons that’s a little discouraging… To be placed in a position where I have to answer questions I was certain I knew the answer too…

But… I truly, with all of my heart, want to be exactly who God has called me to be…

And I believe that is his daughter…

So as I learn how to rest… Well I do hope that it will help and encourage me to just live a fuller life than I am right now…

Wandering with Stillness…

Emotions… They can be such a funny thing… A mixture that causes us to feel all sorts of ways at once…

That’s where I am right now… I feel peace in the place I am standing… But at the same time… Deep down… Well i recognize this unfamiliar feeling…

This feeling that my mind communicates as “oh you do not want to experience that feeling… It’s uncommon and unknown…”

Because I feel like in the midst of the peace… In the midst of the stillness… Well there’s this presence of wandering… And it’s a wandering that causes me to simply question, “well Amanda what are you going to do? How are you going to respond to your present?…”

And in a lot of ways wandering can seem negative, but I just don’t feel negativity coming off of this at all…

It’s more like preparation… Preparation that will provide the type of faith I will need in the next season… Really the next chapter of my life…

Because I feel as the world shifts and changes in all sorts of way… Well I feel that this faith is entirely and absolutely necessary…

And I also feel… That with a peaceful, still spirit, soul and mind… Well that it’s pretty simple to cultivate inside of me…

So as I enter this next chapter… This next place of my life… Well I welcome it with gratitude… Gratitude and excitement…

But most importantly… I welcome it with a state of peace and stillness…

Still… In the Now…

What happens when you look at something and think, “I know in my heart that was supposed to become something more than it is?”…

That’s how I feel right now… And honestly all I can do is stand still and trust… Trust Holy Spirit and believe that if he wants what I’m speaking of to come to fruition… Well it will…

But there’s something about not knowing… That feeling that you aren’t in control… That this isn’t your show… And no matter how hard you might push and pull… Well it’s worth nothing if God and Holy Spirit aren’t behind it all…

And that’s where I find myself… In this place… A place where very, very little is being revealed to be… Or maybe a lot is being revealed to me… But it’s in small bit sized incriments… Which makes me slightly nervous because I can’t see the bigger picture…

But then it’s good because me… With the big picture isn’t good… I get in the way with my thoughts and emotions…

So piece by piece… Piece by piece I will choose to accept what God is allowing Holy Spirit to lay in front of me…

Because… Right now… In this moment… I believe it is the best way for me to move forward…

Just Me

FullSizeRenderSo as my relationship with God has evolved… as it’s become something other than what others claim to be theirs… as it’s become mine… well I definitely find myself filling more full… rather than empty…

And in so many ways… well I think this a good thing… but now I find myself standing at a little bit of a crossroads… because I find myself content… content with just being me…

And I don’t know what to do with all of that…

In the past I’ve lied to myself and everyone else and said I was ok being alone… that I could handle myself when no one else was around… and I’ve learned that was a lie… a really big lie…

But as I just continue to truly live… and as I continue to truly cultivate this relationship with God… well I am so full…

Meaning right now. I don’t need a huge group of friends around me at all.. and honestly I don’t feel close to anyone right now… I don’t feel close to anyone but myself…

And I think that’s a good thing… because without realizing it, I’ve reached something I’ve always needed… to be close to self… to be so close to self that I am content and happy… not comfortable… not insecure… but just content… that I can truly stand being around me without being distracted by others or other things…

And it’s really taken me so long to come to this place… Maybe it’s happened quickly in the scheme of living out here in Cali… but in terms of life… it’s taken a while…

But the feeling I get when realizing I am so ok with just being and just being me and just being with me… well it’s a satisfying feeling… No longer do I feel like I need to fill my time and space with people, things, books, knowledge and conversation… and I can just be…

And I truly hope… as I continue to live a life of being content with myself…. well I hope I can learn how to include others… and I hope I can learn how to include other things as well.. And I hope this is a true starting point for me to leap from on my own…