glory · goodness of god · kingdom · Manifestation · stillness

Summer of Stillness

If you followed my writings over the past summer, then you know I shared about stillness and the glory of God a lot. At one point, I mentioned that Holy Spirit said, “How are people going to know that I am truly with you, if you won’t let My stillness rest upon you? It’s okay to be still. It’s okay to not have any movement going on in you. That doesn’t mean things aren’t moving. Instead, it means you’re cultivating a space to carry the weight of My glory, which you’ve never truly carried before. And sure, sure it’s cumbersome. Sure, being still is not your favorite thing because you want to be doing, but I have called you to a life of stillness: spirit, soul, heart and body right now. A life of stillness that mediates on My goodness constantly.”

And so, when I wasn’t working, you could find me sitting in silence without any distractions (phone, TV, computer), commanding my soul to step back and inviting my spirit to come forward so I could engage with the stillness. And, in those moments of stillness, my mind was mostly quiet. I didn’t hear Holy Spirit speaking too often, but I did feel a very significant amount of His presence and glory growing and surrounding me as I mediated on His goodness.

Below are three stories (from the summer) that demonstrate the growing manifestation of His presence.

The Smoke

On June 17, at 2 am I woke up to the smell of thick, thick smoke. The smell was so strong that I was convinced something was on fire. I woke my sister (who is usually awake at 2am) up. She could smell it too. We both firmly agreed something was on fire. So, we hurried towards the windows in back of the apartment. Bridget said, “I don’t smell anything outside of the windows. It’s not coming from over here.” Then she turned on the lights and the room looked kind of hazy, like smoke was definitely in the room. Next, she checked the radiator pipes that run through the apartment for the heat in winter. Again, nothing. I checked the windows in my room. Nothing. We checked the hallway. Nothing. So, it was evident that the smoky smell and haze was isolated to our apartment unit only.

We both kind of laughed about it and confidently decided to go back to sleep. Convinced it was occurring within the spirit realm surrounding us. 

When I woke up the next morning, I consulted Holy Spirit. He led me to Isaiah 4:5. It says, “Then the Lord will create over all of Mount Zion and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night; over everything the glory will be a canopy.” Again, I kind of laughed because both of our spirits knew that’s what we had experienced. But, before I could confirm for sure, I called my mom. I told her the story and she said, “You know Amanda, last night I had a dream y’all were in a fire in NYC, but you were okay. When I woke up, I felt a little panicked, but I knew y’all were fine.” 

Why did God reveal Himself to us like this? I still don’t have all of the answers; however, I am confident that we were so confident in the manifested demonstration of His presence that we went back to sleep without a worry or a doubt.

The Tears

During the month of June, my sister was working on a painting of her spirit. She said, “Amanda, there’s water on the floor in front of the painting, but I don’t have a clue where it came from.” I walked over to the painting, and, sure enough, there were several droplets on the floor that resembled tears. We both backtracked the past hour and decided there was no way either one of us was responsible for the water. So again, we knew they manifested from the spirit realm surrounding us. But why? 

Over the next few days, the Father made it clear that He was very overwhelmed with what my sister was bringing to life. It moved Him to tears to see that she was so interested in putting paint to canvas to watch the truth surrounding her spirit come to life.

The Diamond

In mid-July, I had been sitting on the living room couch all day working on my computer. After several hours, I got up and went to my room to sit with Holy Spirit and focus in on being still. After I had been sitting for a while, my sister rushed in my room to tell me Britney Spears was testifying in court and we could listen to the stream on Twitter. So, we both sat on the end of my bed and listened. When it was over, we both gleefully left my room (research the case if you want to know why) and went back to the living room. She sat down on the couch where I had been sitting all day and said, “Amanda, what is this?” In her hand she was holding what looked like a tiny rhinestone. She said, “Did this fall off of a piece of clothing?” We both thought through all of the clothing we own and decided it didn’t. Then she said, “Actually, I don’t think it’s a rhinestone. I think it’s a diamond!” So, she rushed over to her phone and pulled up a YouTube video to verify a diamond. The video said we needed to drop it in a glass of water. If it sank, it was surely a diamond. So, she filled up a clear glass, took it into the bathroom and I dropped the tiny stone into the water. Sure enough, the diamond went straight to the bottom. 

Then we checked every piece of jewelry. Nothing missing. We asked our friends that had been over. They weren’t missing anything. We asked my mom. She wasn’t missing anything. So, again, we laughed. Surely, this did not fall from the spirit realm surrounding us? Or did it? And if so, what was God’s plan for it? To show that the very presence of Heaven is surrounding us at all times? To encourage us to keep engaging Heaven? To demonstrate the realness of the realm of Heaven, that often feels like a caricature of sorts?

And while I don’t have too many answers, I am sure of this… Engagement with our human spirit, paired with stillness and meditation on the goodness of God can bring about some very unique manifested experiences. And while we haven’t stumbled upon another diamond yet, we have had many more experiences with hazy smoke and tears. They just seem to appear in places where we’ve been mediating on the goodness of God, while paving a road for angelic assistance and operating in the gifts, purposes and trading routes Holy Spirit is constantly laying before us.

So if you’re reading this, I want to encourage you to take the time to cultivate a relationship with your human spirit, Holy Spirit and stillness. Take many undistracted moments (moments without technology) to just mediate on areas of your life where you know He provided for, protected, healed, delivered, connected with and loved you. And then see where that takes you. Look around for the growth of His manifested presence within your life. I promise you, you won’t just feel it, you may just see it too! And the best part is, mediating on the goodness of God will become a part of your lifestyle and you will consistently see His glory revealed. 🌱

love of god · soul · vulnerability

Just Tears and Love…

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Sometimes pain isn’t evident until you have something to provoke it….
You feel fine and life is just moving along… And then something reminds you that there’s still a gap in your life… And that life became so much realer… So much more authentic and true with death…
And there’s nothing you can do but cry… Not that crying makes it better… It does help you feel better… But it doesn’t make the situation better… It doesn’t bring someone back from the dead… And it doesn’t give the person you are hurting for what they need in that moment….
So it’s just tears… And they won’t stop… And they don’t stop… Because it feels like every one that falls from your face is followed with a thought… A memory… Things that remind you of what’s true in this life… And how you can’t change the situation… And how you just kinda have to work with what you have… How you have to be the person you were created to be…
And I guess that’s how I feel right now… Weighed down with what I see in my present life… Weighed down so much that it hurts me… And then it causes me to feel pain in other ways… It causes me to remember the pain of dad not being here…
But at the same time it causes me to be grateful that I had a parent that cared so much about me… sometimes it felt like too much…
So then i’m stuck… stuck without knowing what to do next… How do you keep loving someone who doesn’t know love?… How can you be insured they will be taken care of when you are gone?… When you aren’t a part of their life anymore…
This is what I question… This is what I don’t have answers for…
And I know deep down I should believe that love is enough… That the simple ability to be there and care is enough… But I still question… I still wonder… And I still find myself hurting for those that are in hurting in a way that i can’t really imagine…
But maybe that’s part of who I am… Part of the person I pushed away so long ago… Maybe it’s within me to have this type of compassion for others… And maybe I didn’t want to see it before… but maybe it’s been there all along and maybe I should just keep it… Hold onto it and allow it be cultivated inside of me…
Because maybe it’s the very thing or one of the very things that makes me Amanda… That causes people to call me sweet… And loving and caring…
And if that’s true… I guess the ability to love and hurt for others… The ability to feel compassion and want to do something… Well I guess it’s more than enough and I should be confident in it….
death

Tears and the Unknown

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I cried myself to sleep last night… it’s been a while since I’ve let loose and cried that much… I didn’t think I had that much emotion inside of me to let go of… but apparently I did…

Death hits us all in different ways…. Mom closes on the house today… it’s finally over… done… completed…. she’s completed something that others didn’t think she could do on her own… especially considering the circumstances….

And I’m glad she’s done… but then what will she do next….

These weren’t my thoughts last night… they weren’t what brought me to tears… but they’ve helped me remember why I became so emotional in the first place… and it’s because of the continued absence of dad… because I can’t call him… because my life is missing him….

It’s actually lacking so much than it was a year ago… so very much… and I don’t know how I feel or what to do about it all right now… I hope that something will fill the gaps…. the missing holes and spaces I continue to feel and experience as life moves forward….

I keep learning that regardless of the amount of money I make, nothing can compare to the journey I’m on… to my story and all that I continue to experience on a daily basis…. Nothing can compare to what I’m gaining from my job…. the things that are molding me and helping me continue to become… well… me….

And in the midst of all of those tears…. the amount of sadness I feel over loss and death…. well I wonder if I’m actually becoming me… if I’m actually moving closer towards what I want….

I’ve heard a quote that says, “who were you and what did you want before the world told you who you were supposed to be and what you were supposed to want?”…. and honestly, I don’t have a solid answer yet…. which is probably why God’s response to me was “figure yourself out. I can’t give you what you want in life if you don’t know who you are”….

So I’m still here… here in this space of learning about me… of figuring me out…. And a lot of the time I feel spaced out…. like I’m on autopilot…. just doing life and hoping it will all fall into place and I’ll wake up one day and realize it all….

Someone I work with encouraged me in a way yesterday when she said “it’ll probably all click in at once, what you want to do and who you want to be. And then you’ll leave. You’ll be done here and look back and laugh that you were even here”….

And sometimes I believe that’s true…. incredibly true… that I’ll continue to pick up pieces of me… and one day I’ll sit down and realize I have them all… that moving to Cali was a good thing at the time because now I have a completed puzzle and I can confidently move forward….

Even in my dream last night I was encouraged… I found myself surrounded with people in my work environment and there was a dolphin swimming right beside me… I wanted to break free so much and swim with it…. but I was afraid it may be something other than a dolphin even though I knew deep down that it was…. But I was still so afraid of the unknown…. so so fearful of the what if… of taking a chance and getting hurt or disappointed… of venturing out on my own…

But if I don’t ever venture out on my own…. venture out and ever discover for myself if what I see is really true…. then how on earth will I be able to experience something I’ve always wanted to experience?…

Because if I don’t go for everything I am feeling… everything that feels true to me… well then I’ll always live in this area of fear…. fear of the unknown and fear that something won’t fill these missing spaces… these gaps….

So I guess… I guess I should just move forward with it all…. whatever it is that is right in front of me… but that I am so afraid of… because I don’t want to miss something great… something great and life changing….