“But the disappointment God… It’s SO heavy. I don’t want to feel it anymore. I don’t want to carry it anymore. Plus… Paired with the anger… The anger that’s still consuming 10% of my heart… Well the anger really makes the disappointment feel all consuming at times.”
This is me. This is me working through more brokenness with God. And… Well… You’d think, at this point, my healing would be complete in this area. But… it’s just SO deep. All of it. The brokenness touches every layer of my essence… From my human spirit, to my soul and then impacts my body in ways that it shouldn’t.
And I’ve forgiven. I’ve forgiven and chosen to move past a lot of the pain and heartache. But sometimes… Gosh sometimes I feel like the disappointment will never go away. And then I can’t seem to quite understand “why?” Why did it have to play out like this?
Actually… I’m not stupid. I understand “why,” but then I’d rather live in the deception of the past. The deception and manipulation was just so fanatical and illusive… Almost like I was living in a dream I’d never wake up from and have to take responsibility for.
But… Then… Well, I woke up from that dream several years ago and was forced to enter a world of truth and disappointment. And, some days (though they are few and far between) I still feel like I’m still waking up to an undiscovered layer of truth and disappointment.
So… what am I to do with layers upon layers of continued disappointment? Well that’s what I’ve been asking God.
And… Do you know what He keeps showing me?
Of course, it’s been way too simple for me to process at once. But everyday I hear Him say, “My love for you woke you up from the fanatical, illusive dream. My love for you drove out the lies, deception and manipulation you both created. My love protected you. It empowered you. It’s given you the ability to constantly move forward, one whole and complete step at a time. And maybe you still feel angry and disappointed. I don’t blame you. The deception was deep; however, keep focusing on My love. Keep your eyes anchored to My heart. For inside of it you will discover the healing your heart is seeking.” 🌱 #cultivatelife
Can I ask a question?… Or more so a series of questions?
In the midst of this great awakening, are we constantly and consistently focused on the heart of God and what He’s doing? Have we set aside isolated time… Time where we can focus on the will of God and what He truly wants as we move forward?
Are we allowing Him to use us based around what He’s saying… Not around what social media is telling us to do and say?
Also… Do we hope to see more truth revealed so that deception and manipulation cannot hide anymore?
Oh! And… what about healing? Do we hope the exposure of evil, wickedness and darkness is followed by a powerful gust of healing and restoration from the Holy Spirit for our country’s soul?
And if so, are we praying His movement is holy and pure… Something that is sanctified and structured in the heart of God where love dwells?
You see I ask all of these questions because they are things I keep asking myself. I need to know if my own heart is turned towards the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I need to remind myself that this is about His Kingdom for His glory. I need the God-head to continuously push my heart towards healing and deliverance of sickness, pain and disease of the spirit, soul and body. I need the Holy Spirit to continue to probe around inside of my heart and push me towards the fulness of life through Jesus Christ.
So… Are you focused in on His heart? 🌱#cultivatelife
Could you tell her what’s happening inside of you right now?
Could you explain to her what you believe in, who you believe in and why you believe?
Would you be able to examine your life and explain who/what placed these beliefs in your mind and why?
And what about your spirit and soul? If you opened up to truth would she find death, decay and a life that’s languishing? Or would she find a glorious, pure and flourishing life that’s capable of giving more life to those around him/her?
And… Most importantly, if truth called, would you be able to boldly say, “My beliefs drive me closer to human connection and the divine rather than farther away?”
I ask all of these questions because I believe having an honest, transparent answer to each one is vital. I also believe truth… Truth is searching for individuals that are confident enough to answer her call with a bold heart ♥️🌱 #cultivatelife
Do you wanna know what moving forward with Holy Spirit looks like for me right now?
It’s choosing to FULLY trust in everything He’s cultivated inside of me.
Yep… I feel challenged deep in my spirit to believe… To FULLY believe in the LIFE He’s helped me refine, develop, nurture, mature and grow.
And, honestly the challenge I feel feels… Well It feels large.
Actually… It’s like there’s a giant tree standing in front of me. A tree that’s blossoming and blooming fruit, flowers and shades of life and glory I never realized existed until I encountered them.
And I’m having to FULLY grasp the truth that everything I see is going on inside of me at this very moment!
And I don’t know where you are right now. My greatest hope is that you’re filled with so much life it’s flowing out of you and touching the lives of those you encounter. However, if you do feel like me, if you’re having trouble believing in what you see… Then PLEASE be encouraged to ask Holy Spirit to reveal truth to you. Please ask Him to fully reveal the LIFE He’s cultivated inside of your heart. And, if you realize there are areas that are languishing and dying, PLEASE be encouraged to ask Jesus to restore them… To restore them totally and completely 🌱 #cultivatelife
I don’t want to write. Honest to God, I don’t want to at all. It’s become somewhat of a challenge to keep moving forward in this area.
But I must… I must mustard up what’s inside of me to get this done because it’s what Holy Spirit is asking.
Which makes me wonder… Where is my heart right now in the midst of everything? What’s it saying? What’s it doing? How alive and thriving is it? Am I passing constant judgment based around what I see others doing or not doing? Am I talking about people behind their back because it’s in “private,” so they’ll never truly know? Am I praying for those in real, true need? Am I using my God-given dominion and authority to speak to darkness and death and command them to be still and come no further?
What’s going on in there?
And the answer is simple. I am doing all of the above. I am alive. I am thriving. I am passing judgment. I am talking about people behind their back. I am praying for those in real, true need. I am using my God-given dominion and authority to speak to darkness and death.
So… A lot is happening in my heart.
And maybe that’s too honest for you. Hey… Maybe that’s too honest for me. But, well… It’s the truth. And I live by the truth because it sets me free.
Which is why… Deep down, past all of the dark and light inside of me, I want to encourage you to pursue truth. Truth that sets you free from any pride, fear, bitterness, deception or manipulation that have control over your heart. And, in the midst of that, I hope the freedom leads you straight to the heart of God. Because His heart… His heart has the love to heal and restore our newly freed hearts 🌱 #cultivatelife
Deception called. The masses are answering. Manipulation stared us in the eyes. The droves are buying her “truth.”
My soul feels heavy. It’s actually grieving. I feel like I’m watching my dad die all over again, but this time I’m deeply concerned about what will happen to the souls incased within each body.
And I guess He said it would happen like this. He told me, “The masses will be deceived. People you love and care for will not see truth. This is the highest form of deception Amanda. They will call false light “the light.”
But my soul… My soul is still heavy. It grieves.
But then all at the same time the war wages on… It wages, so I must let go, pray and move forward. 🌱⚔️ #cultivatelife #justlive
If deception called, would you pick up the phone and answer? If manipulation were to stare you in the eyes and claim to be “truth,” would you have the discernment to see THE truth?
Deception and manipulation, at their highest levels, have been released. Do you see it? Can you feel it? Are you asking Holy Spirit what THE truth actually is? Or… Is the Holy Spirit you know and commune with a counterfeit spirit?
We live in incredible times of falseness of all kinds. Times when darkness looks like pure light. I only speak from experience though. I used to live in deep, deep deception of dark light.
So… Again, if deception calls, will you answer? 🌱👑⚔️ #cultivatelife
What’s real? What’s true? What’s eternally lovely and ever-growing? That… That is love.
However… It’s not human love. For human love is too faulty. Too futile. It’s too fatal.
You see this love, this love is pure. This love is whole and complete because it’s structured for one place and one place only.
What’s that place you may ask? That place is the heart.
Deep beneath the surface of the skin… Beneath the layers of the ill-beaten soul lies the heart. And it… It is THE prime real estate of the spirit. A place so deep and intimate I’m convinced no man or woman can fully know it.
You see I believe our hearts are created to contain a love that’s so powerful, so magnificent, so great that we cannot help but constantly be overrun with the joy of the Lord when we are consumed with it.
For this love… His love… It brings healing. It brings peace. It brings restoration. It stops anxiety and depression and calamity of all sorts in its tracks. It can stand on every single battlefield and win the war when darkness seems to overshadow life.
It’s the love of Father God. It’s the love that Jesus walked this earth in. It’s what I feel coming off of Holy Spirit when I’m in His presence. It’s the sweetest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever known. And it’s made… It crafted for me and for YOU! ♥️🌱 #cultivatelife #cultivatelove
Lies… Deception… Manipulation… Layers upon layers rest upon my soul. And so my soul feels confused.
But then, my soul doesn’t want a fragment of falseness. My soul wants truth. My heart and spirit crave truth too. But then my mind fears the truth because the lies sound so good and feel so powerful and strong. The lies have been given so much weight and support with my thoughts and my words. I’ve helped cultivate this kingdom of lies.
But the fruit… It isn’t good. The fruit just causes more pain, heartache and disappointment. And even when I try to believe the pain is for a purpose, I find myself more manipulated and deceived than I was before. Constantly pacing in mental hell as I scream, “Why?!!!”
But I hear God. I hear Him clearly when He says, “Why would I lead you down a path of deception and manipulation? Why would I bring pain and confusion to your soul? I want you healthy and whole. So let go.”
This might sound silly, but… do you walk with God?
Of course I don’t mean physical walking. I mean spiritual walking. Are you spiritually walking with God on a daily basis?
You know if I’m completely honest, I’m embarrassed to say I’ve spent most of my life walking with God. I feel embarrassed because the life of a “walker” is constant and consistent, BUT it’s also very slow. It requires patience. It requires self-control. It requires me to listen more and talk less.
And I guess the height of my embarrassment comes when I start comparing my walk to the way other people are running. And wow… Life is surrounded with hundreds of millions of “fast” runners. Runners that make me feel so small for choosing to walk.
But that’s not me. It never has been. Never will be.
And so if you understand where I’m coming from, I hope you’re encouraged to cultivate confidence in the area of walking with God. Don’t look to the left or the right where our culture pulls us to posses everything around us. Instead, just walk with confidence and courage into the life He’s continues to provide you with. 🌱 #cultivatelife