I Don’t Know…

I don’t know… I don’t know where life is taking me…

And, in my opinion, none of us truly do…

But, aside from not knowing where life is taking all of us… Is the fact that following the Holy Spirit has been the best option I’ve chosen in life…

And, I’m going to be very honest… Following Him, His plan and His purpose can be exhausting for my soul…

I believe the soul to be our mind,will and emotions… The middle ground between our spirit and body that can sometimes become confused and a little overwhelmed… Especially when choosing to follow God’s lead…

Also, I like to know what’s next… Not so much because I’m terrified of the unknown, but more so because I just seek the ability to be in the loop… And, I more so fear missing out…

I fear missing out because I’ve always felt a little behind… A little on the outside compared to most people my age… Always arriving late…

And, sure, maybe it’s not really “late”… Maybe, in God’s eyes, I’m right on time…

Regardless, the truth I feel in this moment is not knowing… But, then choosing to be confident in not knowing… Releasing complete and total control to God… Because, at the end of the day, I firmly believe my life, my story, my time belongs to Him…

And maybe, just maybe as I continue to follow Him, not knowing will become a more comfortable place to be… An accepted place in my mind that says, “I don’t know and that’s ok because I will run into the next piece of this puzzle called life soon… And when I do, it will be good enough to move where ever God leads next”…

Orchestration of the Unknown… 

Why does it so often seem like “living”… Living a full life of cohesiveness and togetherness means that we can’t worry… We can’t think… We can’t truly plan for tomorrow?..

Because doing so causes friction… Static in a world we can’t see… In a world where God is orchestrating the unknown…

And to me… Well to me, I usually choose planning… I choose order… I choose a sense of togetherness I can see before its come together… Something that doesn’t surprise me… Because, well I don’t like to always be surprised…

However, life… Life has continued to surprise me… It’s continued to show me that planning for the next turn is quite impossible… And even when I think I know…. Well I don’t…

And somewhere inside of me… Well I’m quickly learning to live with the fact that I don’t have a schedule to follow… That I have to keep believing in what’s ahead…

Even though what’s ahead is completely unknown, and probably something that causes me to feel all together uncomfortable…

But if I don’t keep living life like this… Well then life will remain the same… And the thrill of what’s coming could fade away…

And so… I guess… More than anything… I want to keep living a life of unknowness… Because it means that I’ll continue to discover who I truly am… How far I can truly go… And the life I can truly cultivate in fullness when I just live…

Foreign Language Ahead… 

Have you ever made a decision before that was genuine?… Soley yours… One that no one else influenced at all?…If you have, congratulations… Because all of the choices I’ve made seem to have one common thread… The opinion of another…

And that’s totally fine… Completely normal… And truly healthy…

But… Well over the course of the last month I’ve come to find myself in a state of almost desperation…

And at the end of this desperation I’m coming to realize something…

I’ve made God an idol…

Moving to Cali and working for Kimora, I learned that God placed me on a personal path… One that wasn’t boxed in to the ways I was raised and the people I was raised around… I learned that He could speak to me in unique ways through life’s daily activities… I believe I learned more about Him in those personal moments than I ever learned in a Bible, Bible college or through a mentor…

Of course my past says God speaks to us certain ways…

So when an opportunity opened for me to take over my grandparents ministry, well I knew deep down that’s not what I ever truly wanted… But then I felt fear… Fear of saying no… The truth that I knew my time working at Kimora’s was coming to an end…

So…

So, I made a fear-based decision… One that included people I trusted knew the voice of God… Because in that moment I was hit with fear and uncertainty…

And with listening to those voices… Well I found myself listening to a bunch of characteristics of God I used to idolize…

The amount of fear of the unknown was so great that I opted for what I knew and used to know for so long…

But in truth… Well I liked life better when God was revealing Himself to me in unique, personal ways…

It’s easy to idolize and live by a handful of characteristics of God… Things about Him we know to be true… Because then we are left without so much extra, unknown space concerning Him…

I thought boxing Him in was over… A thing of the past… But I am learning how easy it is to revert back to old ways and thoughts about who He was in my life for so many years…

God is different to so many people… Throughout so many religions… And I think we all might idolize, to a degree, our version of who we think He is and will always be to us…

That His language is the same… And for Him to speak a different language is so foreign that it’s like He’s not speaking to us at all… We can ignore it if we don’t understand it…

But if we don’t listen for the unusual, for the foreign, well we can easily create a belief… An idolized version of God and those characteristics… And the next thing we know we’re worshiping it as the truth…

But for me… In this moment… Well I want the unusual again… Yes, it’s way easier to listen and understand a language I know… But it’s much more difficult, life changing and life-expanding to listen to something I don’t recognize and allow it to open my mind to more of Him…

And so… That’s where I want to be… Just living with an unfamiliar, unidolized language of God…

Tears and the Unknown

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I cried myself to sleep last night… it’s been a while since I’ve let loose and cried that much… I didn’t think I had that much emotion inside of me to let go of… but apparently I did…

Death hits us all in different ways…. Mom closes on the house today… it’s finally over… done… completed…. she’s completed something that others didn’t think she could do on her own… especially considering the circumstances….

And I’m glad she’s done… but then what will she do next….

These weren’t my thoughts last night… they weren’t what brought me to tears… but they’ve helped me remember why I became so emotional in the first place… and it’s because of the continued absence of dad… because I can’t call him… because my life is missing him….

It’s actually lacking so much than it was a year ago… so very much… and I don’t know how I feel or what to do about it all right now… I hope that something will fill the gaps…. the missing holes and spaces I continue to feel and experience as life moves forward….

I keep learning that regardless of the amount of money I make, nothing can compare to the journey I’m on… to my story and all that I continue to experience on a daily basis…. Nothing can compare to what I’m gaining from my job…. the things that are molding me and helping me continue to become… well… me….

And in the midst of all of those tears…. the amount of sadness I feel over loss and death…. well I wonder if I’m actually becoming me… if I’m actually moving closer towards what I want….

I’ve heard a quote that says, “who were you and what did you want before the world told you who you were supposed to be and what you were supposed to want?”…. and honestly, I don’t have a solid answer yet…. which is probably why God’s response to me was “figure yourself out. I can’t give you what you want in life if you don’t know who you are”….

So I’m still here… here in this space of learning about me… of figuring me out…. And a lot of the time I feel spaced out…. like I’m on autopilot…. just doing life and hoping it will all fall into place and I’ll wake up one day and realize it all….

Someone I work with encouraged me in a way yesterday when she said “it’ll probably all click in at once, what you want to do and who you want to be. And then you’ll leave. You’ll be done here and look back and laugh that you were even here”….

And sometimes I believe that’s true…. incredibly true… that I’ll continue to pick up pieces of me… and one day I’ll sit down and realize I have them all… that moving to Cali was a good thing at the time because now I have a completed puzzle and I can confidently move forward….

Even in my dream last night I was encouraged… I found myself surrounded with people in my work environment and there was a dolphin swimming right beside me… I wanted to break free so much and swim with it…. but I was afraid it may be something other than a dolphin even though I knew deep down that it was…. But I was still so afraid of the unknown…. so so fearful of the what if… of taking a chance and getting hurt or disappointed… of venturing out on my own…

But if I don’t ever venture out on my own…. venture out and ever discover for myself if what I see is really true…. then how on earth will I be able to experience something I’ve always wanted to experience?…

Because if I don’t go for everything I am feeling… everything that feels true to me… well then I’ll always live in this area of fear…. fear of the unknown and fear that something won’t fill these missing spaces… these gaps….

So I guess… I guess I should just move forward with it all…. whatever it is that is right in front of me… but that I am so afraid of… because I don’t want to miss something great… something great and life changing….

Unknown

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Figure out who you are they say…. take the challenging, difficult and path less chosen is what I hear… Discover who you truly are and live that life is what I’ve been encouraged to do… Do it because you’ve done so many difficult things before is what I could do….

But at the end of the day…. Well I feel lazy and unmotivated…. I feel like I’m wandering around without my head screwed on very tight… I feel like I’m walking around in a dream or something… waiting for someone to walk me up and tell me to get back to work… to finish what I started… to move back to Dallas and complete what I was doing…. because at least that was known…. at least it felt familiar….

This…. this life I’m living now… it feels so different…. it’s so far from where I was… and I don’t mean the physical location…. I mean everything about who I am and what I’m doing… it’s changed… it’s different… it’s a different kind of challenge….

A challenge to really be me… to be vulnerable enough to uncover who I am and what I want… and honestly, I fear doing that because it’s unknown and uncharted and I don’t like what I don’t know…. And I fear what I can’t even see… even if if it’s right in front of me….

So I guess my question to myself today…. my real challenge I need to uncover is something simple… something small… and it’s just to answer if I like feeling confused and out of focus?….

And I know the answer is no… because deep down in me I want to help others…. and how can you truly help and give of yourself to others if you don’t know what you’re doing or which way you’re going?…

I don’t believe you fully can…. So I guess today I’m just going to try and surprise myself… to do the unknown and the uncommon… to beat my fear and begin to outsmart it…. because I honestly want to move forward… I want to find my way out of all of this mess… and finding it would be so nice….

Respecting the Unknown

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I miss my dad so much…. I miss him so much and all of a sudden jokes about death and dying strike me differently. Like yesterday…..

Yesterday one my the kids mentioned cancer… getting cancer and jokingly wished it upon everyone that wasn’t wearing sunscreen at the amusement park…. I just looked at her…. I looked at her and I wasn’t angry, but I was also very serious with my response.

I told her she shouldn’t wish cancer upon anyone. Ever. I mean wishing cancer on someone is like wishing death on them. Unjust and just flat out cruel.

Of course my feelings are so different towards it now that I feel like a victim…. it’s robbed someone from me.

And it hurts….. it hurts so much to be stricken with truth like this in a moment like that when a kid is being overdramatic….. only because she has a skin disorder and doesn’t think it’s fair that she had to cover up so much at the amusement park…

And then the comment of the day came…. the one that all teenagers say… even I’ve said it before…. she said, “this pimple is awful and I want to die.” Then she repeated herself over and over and over again and made it overdramatic.

At that point I looked at her and said you really don’t want to die… death is much to big of a thing to want over something as small as a pimple…. but in her little world… it’s a tragedy.

And honestly…. I don’t get upset over things like that anymore…. over pimples, cuts, bruises and the rest… I just ignore them and let them go because they really aren’t anything to be talked about or blown out of proportion.

And then for some reason once I was finally able to go to bed last night… well I found myself thinking about dad…. thinking about how much I missed him and feeling a little bit of guilt…

The guilt came from a collage of pictures my sister put together…. and I could see in all of them a very sick man…. a very, very, very sick man….

Because of the years he was getting sicker and sicker with cancer and a tumor… and the sad thing is I never really did anything about it…. I just let it continue to happen….

Yes there were times when I tried to get him to see a doctor and cared for his health…. and he did become spiritually healthier…. and our family dynamics as a whole did change for the better over the last 5 years….

But what I saw in font of me was the progression of death….. the down spiral of a great father and good man…. a man who loved others and thoughts of his family before himself…. and that made me hurt on the inside….

I was hurting out of guilt…. guilt that caused me to think about the fact that I was in college and he was paying for it all… Not just monetarily, but physically and mentally as well…. he was sick, so so sick…. And I was just growing up…. trying to gain maturity….

And I missed it…. I missed the fact that he was living with such a terrible sickness…. Maybe it’s because I was sick too….

Before I moved to Cali…. well I would consider myself sick…. with my fear of money, my body image issues and my major jealousy towards my sister…. and then my lack of compassion and severe judgment…. those things make us mentally sick..

So how can sick people even see the sick? Maybe they can…. but honestly they probably can’t…. at least not very well…

And I guess I say all of this because it’s teaching me…. once again… to look for those that are in need and needing to gain love, acceptance and life… those that are hurting and sick in the mind…. because loosing someone is painful….

And then hearing others joke about death reminds you of the pain and absence in your life…. and it’s all just too much sometimes…. and…. at the end of the day…. well I hope I can become for sensitive, caring and compassionate about those that walk beside me…. the ones that I don’t even know…

Because…. well… we are all going through things that are painful…. that remind us of reality… and shouldn’t we respect the ones we don’t know the most? Because…. after all….. we just don’t know.