Undesirable?..

Why is it so challenging to admit how we really feel on the inside? Why does it feel like a battle to express that we don’t like who we are in this present moment of life?

You see, for the most part, I love who I’ve become as I cultivate life with God… But then there’s this deep part of me that deeply struggles with feeling unwanted and undesirable. Honestly, it’s a root in my life that’s was planted a long time ago… And it’s grown into this awful creature that tries its best to dictate and control a portion of my life.

But you know what? I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m ready to feel the opposite of how I’m feeling now.

And I get it… God has to restore this part of my life so that He can fill me with more of His love and then make me healthy and whole on the inside, but then I do wonder… What will I be like on the other side of this? What will I have to surrender to Him so that I can be whole in this area once and for all? And will the surrender be a challenge for me at all?

And honestly, I believe it’s been a challenge to surrender this. I mean I’ve known this area and allowed in to define me for at least 24 years. However, if I don’t let it go… Well then I can never truly become all that God has created me to be. And I also will never fully know what it means to live a life where you feel wanted and desired. So I guess… Well I guess it’s time to let it go to the wind.

Worthy Queen?

Yesterday I shared about how I’ve been facing this deep feeling of unworthiness lately. Then this morning I came across the image below and thought, “Wow, this image truly captures how I feel right now.”

You see in areas of my life I can only seem to focus on the places where I don’t seem to add up and make sense. But, right now, I’m so deeply pushed by the Holy Spirit to press past this place of unworthiness. Because I believe when I get past this place I’ll realize that the things I feel about value and worth will actually help me understand a deeper level of Jesus and His love for me.

So much of the time it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that we are flawed and full of holes… But you know, if we didn’t look like the photo above then there’d be no real reason for Jesus and eternal life. Because even if the reasons I feel unworthy never go away… Well I believe He can still bring beauty and life to the places that appear to be lacking and filled with shame and unworthiness.

And I don’t know if what I’m saying makes any sense at all. I’m really just a human that feels deeply frustrated that I’ve put so much value into the way one person has viewed me in the past. And I just want to let it all go now… So that the way God and Jesus view me and see me is the only thing I hold value and worth in as I continue to cultivate life. #cultivatelife #justlive #value #worth

The Valuable Lost…

IMG_7548Last week I lost five things… On four separate occasions… And I don’t ever loose things… Especially what’s of value to me…

So I decided to ask myself “what can I learn from this situation?”…

Four of the things I lost were jewelry related… An earring… An expensive earring back… Two necklaces…

And then I lost my running earbuds…

If you know me well… You know that jewelry and exercise are of value to me… They are part of my everyday lifestyle…

The great thing about loosing each valuable thing… I didn’t panic… Well… Maybe I did panic when my new necklace went missing… But other than that I believed I would find them…

And… Sure enough… Throughout the course of each day… I found something of value that was lost…

And… Now… Now I have all of my valuable things again…

So… What’s the point?… I believe that God was trying to show me… Even when I believe some areas… Some things… Some people are lost cases… That it’s a dead end… Well it’s not… All we simply have to do is believe that that of value will be found…

If you’re anything like me… You might panic or search endlessly until you find that missing “thing”… But that’s what was so amazing about my missing pieces of value… I didn’t really search for them at all… I just knew deep down I’d find them when the time was good…

And I believe that’s part of just living… Because when we choose to just step back and live a genuine life that says, “I not going to freak out… I not going to allow my attitude to affect my moments”… Well wonderful things happen…

We find ourselves believing and trusting that that which is lost will be found… And we can live without an anxious heart and mind… We can truly live with a peace heart…

Diamond Moment of Trust…

I have a set of gold drop diamond Kate Spade earrings…. Wearing them and talking on the phone while driving never go hand in hand for me… They clank into the glass and drive me insane….

So…. I always take one off…. And I usually set it in my lap…. Thinking I’ll remember it’s there by the time I get home…

But I always forget…. And the LA hike to and from the car is too much to go “make sure” the earring is on my seat… So I always… Well I always cheat…. I ask God if it’s there… Or if, by some chance, it’s fallen on the ground…. Waiting to get stepped on or stolen…  Meaning I need to go back and get the damn thing…. It’s not a real diamond…

And every time He tells me it’s on the seat of my car… So I rest easy… Sure to see it the next morning…

This entire scenario happened 4 days ago….

But a day before that… Well I had a “I’m 26. Not in a relationship. Not married. No kids. Meltdown.”…. It was one of those “where’s my life taking me moments”…. And I was just too much….

But as I laid my head down to sleep… Well God told me to keep moving forward… That he’s got my back and I don’t need to panic at all… Because as I trust what I’m doing… Well I should trust him for the things that I want most in life… They are becoming a reality before my eyes… I just don’t see them yet…

After that convo… Well the incident with the earring happened… And in that moment I trusted that the earring was safe and sound… Waiting… Just like he said…

And of course it was there…

But in that moment I felt God basically laugh… In a way that showed me he was teaching me something yet again…. And I ignored that he wanted be to learn something… Hurrying to call everyone I could think of before I got to work… No one answered…. I finally said “ok God… What are you trying to show me?”….

And then I saw it…. The earring scenario…. Something so valuable to me…. I love jewelry… Well… I trusted exactly what he said… I didn’t panic… I rested all night long…

But then something equally as important and valuable to me… My future… Well I didn’t trust what he said… I panicked… I panicked hard core….

But there was no reason for me to panic at all… Because he was being honest with the earring and my future…

And I guess I say all of this to remind myself… To remind myself today…. That God is watching me… He’s taking care of me… He’s still my best friend… And now he’s my dad… And he’s willing to give me the answers to what I need when he knows I need them… And if I’ll just continue to chill… If I’ll just continue to live everyday to the fullest and not panic… Well my future… What I want will become a reality….

And I’m ok with that….

Recognize the Value

IMG_2421Sometimes it takes a phone call… A single conversation… One that has nothing to do with me… And within it… Well my I realize my value a little bit more…

And I still don’t realize my value in it’s entirety… And it’s taking time… And of course it’s another leg of the journey I am on called life… But I love how it all comes together…

So for a moment… Well for a moment, I’d like to recognize the fact that I truly enjoy inspiring and encouraging people… Maybe life in general…

And within this single conversation from above it was mentioned that we should all just do what we are good at… That we, as Americans, should stop doing a million and one different things… And simply focus on what we do well… And I guess within hearing that… Well it deepened my value for what I do well…

Now… I don’t know where you go with the ability to inspire and motive and encourage… but I think it’s important that I value it before I go any further… That I look at it as something precious… Something that belongs to me… That I have taken time to cultivate and strengthen…. Because if I don’t recognize it’s value… It’s worth well then I might as well be missing out on a crucial part of what makes me Amanda…

So… Within this realization… With this truth about me… I just want to move forward…

Value Found

2015/01/img_2107.jpgIt’s taken a moment… But I’m learning that as my self-worth grows… As I begin to value me more and more… Well I don’t put up with those who undervalue me anymore…

A year ago… Moving to the west coast… Starting a new life… A new job… Being around everything new… Well I was at a place where I didn’t appreciate me at all…

And during the first six months of being here I grew but my self-worth didn’t…

So standing in this place now… Being here and feeling like I’m undervalued in a place of work… Well I don’t know what to do with it…

I feel like I woke up one day and realized “oh, I’ve changed. And I’ve been weak. And I’ve allowed people to push me around long enough.”

And within this realization I begin to see how much I go out of my way because I want to… And then it’s never appreciated… And I don’t do things to be appreciated… But how far is too far?…

When do I begin to set limits and boundaries?… And how do I stay true to myself and make sure my value doesn’t get looked over?… And that I don’t look over it myself?…

Because I used to say things… But now I just do them… And I don’t complain… But I find myself frustrated with moments…

And then when I think about the fact of getting a raise at work… And what that means…

Well I realize that money doesn’t determine my value… That you can’t place a price on someone… That money won’t really change my intangible life in any way… Because I’m already at a place of happiness and contentment… A place of peace… So as nice as it is to receive something like that… Well it doesn’t really determine my value…

And I think this is a good place for me to be… In this moment… This week… To realize that an increase in pay isn’t going to change the way people I work for and with view me… That I’m still going to be undervalued… And that things aren’t going to change here…

But then the important thing is that I’ve changed for the better… That I finally value me… Me for just being me… No more no less… And that I finally see what others that value me have seen for so long… And that it’s good…

And I don’t know what drives a person to remove themselves from an environment where they’re not cared for and appreciated… But I do know that when God says “move”… When he says “it’s time to move forward and close this chapter of your life”… Well I’ll do it with a grateful heart… One that finally values and appreciates me more than ever before…

And more than anything I feel like I’ll finally move forward with more of me than I’ve ever had before…

Value Perceptions

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I had a conversation two days ago that hasn’t left my mind…. My boss was telling me that someone broke into the neighbors house and ransacked it… obviously they were looking for “things”…

And then I said “well, that makes me nervous to walk to my car alone at night now.” and her response, “oh Amanda, they don’t want you. They want your stuff and you don’t have anything.”

Funny…. people wanting stuff… and the thought that because I don’t have anything of true monetary value…. well it means I don’t have anything….

It’s funny because our world is so skewed… we value what’s in our home over what’s in our heart….

And living in L.A. makes that truth more of a reality…. this city has misperceived the value of things so much….

And I think her statement to me is even more important since I’ve been working on valuing myself… it just sticks out… and it continues to remind me that it’s so important to value what ‘s in me and what’s in the people around… it reminds me not to truly value what sparkles and shines on the outside… but to focus on the inside…

Because at the end of the day… well it’s all just stuff… the stuff we accumulate here and now… for a time… until something better is created… or until we feel like what we have isn’t good enough anymore… or of course until “they” tell us we need more… something else to place on our finger or in our garage…

And in reality it’s so useless….

I had another thought that supported this conversation last night… one of the girls was listening to a song…. and the song said “I was raised by a television”… and that line stuck with me… because I began to think “it’s so true”…. a TV did raise me… or helped raise me…

And the reason I have a miscued perception is because of what I’ve been taught through what I’ve seen on TV…. because I was taught to value the tangible over the intangible…

And things like this really bother me… they bother me because I know I need to value me more… I need to place what’s inside of me over what I see… but it’s still a challenge at times… to care more about the intangible…

And then when I think about dad being gone… and how I miss him… his love, his kindness, his jokes… just his entire personality…. the things that were gone the moment he stopped breathing… well it helps me remember it really is just stuff…

Of course then it makes me want to tell my boss “you know… it’s a shame no one would want to steal me… because what’s on the inside of me is more valuable than what’s in that house”…

And I think what I’m trying to tell myself is I should value myself enough to think “what’s inside of me is worth stealing…. it’s worth taking… it’s that valuable… but then it’s also so valuable that only those who know true value are looking”…..

And I guess realizing that people that know true value attract and look for others with true value is good for me to think on…. Because it might just be my next step to becoming and staying focused on what’s truly important… And that’s ok with me…