Place Holder

Living in NY and working for your sister has its benefits… Like sitting on a trash bag in the rain at 6am while your sister sits across the street from you doing the same. Why were we sitting on trash bags in the rain at 6am?! Because two auditions were being held that day, and Bridget wanted to be seen at both of them! So… of course we have to get up early and wait in line, no matter the weather condition.

Now if you knew me 6 months to a year ago I would’ve complained the entire time and the night leading up to it all; however, God has drastically changed my heart… So I waited with a selfless/grateful heart!

And as I waited (number 34 in a line of at least 100+), I watched my sister stand at the head of her line on the other side… And that’s when revelation began to pour into my mind.

My entire life I’ve been told Jesus was selfless enough to take on all of my problems and pain in life so I could stand in the presence of God. And though I mindlessly believed it all because that’s how I was raised, my heart didn’t grasp any of it.

Well that all changed as I sat in the rain on a trash bag.

You see the path I’m on with God right now has continuously asked me to have a very humble, selfless heart… One that thinks of others before myself. So for the first time in my life I’m beginning to actually see what it might’ve been like for Christ to do something so amazing for us… So that we can live healthy, free lives: spirit, soul and body.

And let me tell you, watching my sister from across the street was really, really exciting. She was at the head of her line, promised a place in the audition room because I was willing to wait and be her place holder in the other line.

And did it pay off? Yeah… it did. She was seen at both auditions, and called back for the line she waited in.

And I guess what I’m trying to say is this… I am just so grateful to have a relationship with the God that continues to make me well from the inside out…  And it’s all because Jesus was selfless enough to stand in line for me. 💃🏻🙌🏻 #cultivatelife

Not Instant Gratification…

The woman I want to be… The woman I should be… Well she’s much more patient than I’ve been lately…

As so much curiousity over where I am in life swirls around in my mind… Well I believe I’m just learning another aspect of God…

It’s an aspect… A way of looking at what He’s promised…

A way that I’ve never truly wanted to or have known how to pay attention to before…

My grandmother used yo say, “just put it on a shelf”…

That was her way of holding onto the promises… The prophicies… The truths of what God has spoken… But what she had yet to see become a reality….

And in this crazy world we live in… Where almost everything is given to us instantly… Well I’ve forgotten that she taught me to put it on a shelf…

And when you’re 20… And then 25… And even now at 27… Well you’d think some of the things Gods shown me would have become a reality…

But I think I’ve finally come to a place of perspective…. A place that speaks more on the truth of God’s timing… And that says to me that… Well maybe God shows us things when were young… But maybe that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll happen in a year… Or in 5 years… Or even in 10 years…

Because I’m finally realizing this mindset of instant gratification is so unrealistic… And completely unhealthy…

And that… Yes, yes sometimes God does things instantly… Or within months of each other…

But the kinds of things I’m talking about are more like “my life’s mission” type of scenrio… And for some reason I just keep thinking they’re going to play out now…

It almost feels like planning for my 50th birthday party… Only I’m in my twenties… And it doesn’t matter how much I plan now… Well I still have to live several decades before I reach 50….

So I believe that’s what’s happened here… Gods placed something in my heart… And being young… And living in an age of social media and immediate download… Well I’ve assumed it’s going to happen “now”… Or really, really soon…

But with age I continue to see that good things take time… Lots of time to grow and mature…

And so we are challenged with just being in the now… And loving the now… The present… Just loving it with all that’s in us…

And for me that’s actually a thing I hate…  Because I want to follow the “I can do anything I want… Be anywhere I want… And have anything I want instantly…”

But God… His systems… His ways… His Kingdom… Well that takes time for change to be enacted…

And as much as I don’t want to be ok with that piece of reality… Well I believe having peace with it will be helpful… And will encourage me to just live and experience whatever is next in all of its fullness…

Waiting for the Bloom…

Why does it seem like… In the midst of seeing where my life is in this moment… In the midst of being in this moment where I have to grow… In the midst of knowing that I’ve chosen to follow what God says is best… Well why is it that I find myself trying so hard to distract myself from reality….

Reality being that growth isn’t always exciting… Yeah, sure… It’s great to look in the rear view mirror and see it in the past… Sometimes I wave at the past and think, “I’m glad that’s where you are!”…

But then there’s the reality of looking at what’s ahead… What’s right in front of my face… And the knowing that patience… So much patience is required to see something bloom…

It’s funny… I never purchase flowers with the intent of staring at them until they open up and reveal what’s on the inside…

So why is it that I choose to stare at my life like that…

Why do I choose to look at it… Study it with great intent… And try and figure out why I haven’t seen the beauty of what I know and believe can and will be on the inside…

No with flowers… With flowers I go about my day… I live life and enjoy the moment… And then when I least expect it I glance at the flowers… And all of a sudden they’ve opened up to reveal something marvelous…

And… Well I think that’s how I should be living right now… With the knowledge that this stage of life… Well that it hasn’t exactly bloomed yet… And it feels boring… And it seems monotonous…

But if I can just keep living… Keep living and stop looking around at everything else that’s already bloomed… Well then sooner or later life will have opened up for me too…