Money or God?

As many of you know, I always try to be as transparent as I can when I share anything. However, there’s one topic in my life I don’t share about too often because the war with it has been long and intense at times.

You see I’ve been wagging war with money for a while now. It’s been this constant dance of, “Who will Amanda foundationaly worship and praise: Money or God?”

And I get it… Social media makes things look like I have it all together in this area; however, what if I told you my life constantly asks that I take a gamble with God every single day for provision? What if I told you that I don’t have the promise of a paycheck, but that I completely trust He is going to provide what I need when I need it? What if I told you I’ve learned I don’t need more than half of the things my culture keeps telling me I need?

Then what would you think?

You see I’ve come to a place in life where my cost of living is low. Money doesn’t move me with excitement or fear the way it used to. And the idea of living large is so unappealing. Actually living large at the cost of my doing sounds more like a prison than a palace. It sounds like an endless lifestyle of death and destruction… Something that gives a false illusion of power, based around the way I choose to hustle in life.

But then there’s this other path… This path to prosperity. And when I say prosperity, I mean having more than what I need. Which doesn’t include 6 cars, 2 boats and 3 houses. It more so means having more than enough in a simple setting… Like two shades of lipstick to choose from over one. Or, three beverage options in my fridge over two.

And I don’t know if you get where I’m coming from at all… But I do believe if we are ever going to truly allow God to be the foundation, security and focal point of our lives, then we have to let go of this idea of having money as a savior, lover or intimate friend. We have to be willing to constantly live around our needs, rather than our dire wants. And, most importantly, we have to be willing to trust Him when He says, “I will provide. Just create, live and cultivate life to the best of your ability.” šŸŒ± #cultivatelife #justlive

 

When Do I Get My Mom Back?…

Can I ask a really real question for a moment?…

Life… Can you pause yourself for a moment and answer a question for me?…

When does my dads death stop killing my moms joy, happiness and life?…

When does she start living again?… When will she figure out what’s next and how to move forward?…

Because, I’m gonna be real honest, I miss my mom… Sometimes I miss her more than I miss my dad… And I talk to her a lot… But she’s so different… She’s so sad…

The death of my father and my aunt have kind of placed her in a sad place in life… And I just want to know, when will she be happy again?… When will life be a place of joy and excitement for her?…

Because this has gone on long enough…

And I get it, grief is different for everyone… Everyone heals at a different rate… But I just miss my mom… I miss her excitement for life… I miss her discernment over life… I miss her joy for simple things like plants… 

So I just need to know… When do I get my mom back?… 

Life of Wants…

IMG_5122I want… I want… I want…

I live my life by a system of wants…

They surround me each and every day… They fill my conscious and subconscious mind constantly…

I’ve never had a birthday or Christmas where I didn’t receive something that I wanted…

You could easily say my culture has breeded a “need” for want inĀ me…

Ironically, I don’t actually need any of my wants…Ā Because toĀ live we only really need water, food, clothing, shelter and a sense of love from those that surroundĀ us…

And so it wasn’t until yesterday… Yesterday in the middle of a movie that it hit me so directly…

I believe, my entire life, God has surrounded me… That His desire to love me has been there… Like I believe it is equally there for every human…

But my entire life I’ve ignored that love… The one thing I’ve personally learned produces security, confidence and identity, I’ve lacked…

And, instead… I’ve bought lie upon lie reminding me that my security, confidence and identity are found in making more money, buying more things, influencing more people and having/doing what’s “better or good”…

Yes, I did grow up in church… In a very spiritual/religious household… Where I was told that confidence, security and identity are found in God through Jesus…

However… No one taught me how to actually find these truths and cultivate a lifestyle of them… I was more so pushed towards reading the Bible and listening to a pastor… Saying I have these things, but not actually possessing them in reality…

And I’m not angry or bitter with anyone or anything… I’m more so realizing that the one thing I’ve needed my entire life is the love of Father God…

Because His love is the one thing I can’t live without… Because, without it, I won’t ever feel truly satisfied, confident and secure… And that my identity is right in the midst of it all…

And I am unsure where all of this is taking me… Where the Holy Spirit is leading me… But I do trust that a lifestyle securely founded on a need truly outweighs a lifestyle securely founded on a want…

The Woman I Want to Be….

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Being honest with myself is a treasure… Sometimes I fear that I’m not honest enough… That I hide things from myself in order to protect me from reality…

Other times I think I’m too honest with myself… Too hard on me… Too real with the person that I am… And not focused enough on the person that I’ve become through the process of life…

But lately I’ve had these thoughts… And that’s what they are right now… Just thoughts… Thoughts about the woman I want to be…

But the way I’ve chosen to think this over doesn’t involve criticism… It more involves curiosity and hope…

Because as I see myself getting older… Growing up more and more… I have to admit… I’m not some college aged kid anymore… But I don’t feel like an adult either… Sure I do adult things like working a full-time, nonstop job, paying bills and constantly cleaning house… But I still don’t feel like an adult…

And I’m not sure what point in life decides that we are adults… Maybe when I’m thirty I’ll realize that I’m finally an adult… But today… Today in this moment… Well I am searching some for the woman I want to be…

So in all honesty… As I look at women I admire… Well I see them as very strong, spiritual backbones and pillars of their homes… And I don’t mean the churchy, preachy, scripture reading woman I grew up around… I mean legit women who aren’t all that afraid of anything… Women that are vulnerable and honest… That have experience to draw from… And that are full of wisdom… Not knowledge and understanding…

Because one day I hope to be able to provide my family and children with practical advice that works and that can make their lives easier to manage and sail through…

It’s funny to think how my life has evolved and come to this point… Because through the decisions I’ve made it’s at a place where it could and can go absolutely anywhere…

And I don’t know where it will go… Where I might end up next… But I do see my next direction…. And it’s simply based upon the woman that I want to become… The woman that I want to grow into… The truth of myself that I want to leave behind in the lives of others…

And for me… Right now… Well I think it’s exactly where I need to be….